When Your Other Half Dies

Grief counselors encourage the bereaved to call on family and friends for support as they undergo the shock, sadness, anxiety, and isolation that inevitably follow a loss. Especially in the early days of shock, it's important to enlist help for daily tasks, like child care or elder care, which can suddenly seem so impossible.

After the shock come tears. "We may have cried before this, but now it's an intense sadness," explains grief counselor Marianne Kelly of the dramatic emotional release which often follows the first stages of grieving.

Next, grief--an extreme loneliness--can manifest itself physically, with nervousness, sleeplessness, or loss of appetite. During this period it becomes very important to rest, drink plenty of fluids, and do some kind of physical activity every day, she says.

Then, "things seem to happen all at once," says Kelly. The bereaved find themselves unable to focus at home or work. "This is when people can feel like they are going crazy and say, 'I can't take this anymore.'"

Anger and guilt usually follow. Some will wonder what they could have done differently in the relationship. "Guilt is power," says counselor Margerite Suarez, "And this is such a powerless time." Focus on the good instead, she advises.

Eventually the aggrieved will face the fact that their partner is not coming back and they may become depressed. This is when counseling can help. Then suddenly, despite their grief, the survivors begin to find occasional moments of joy.

Finally comes the time to refocus on the future. Kelly, who has lost three partners and two children, adds that out of these losses may spring new dreams and opportunities. "The most positive thing I did with my grief was to start the Center for Living with Dying. Reaching out to help others can help you."

More on losing a loved one

Finding support online: find those who share your pain online.

When Your Other Half Dies: return to main story.