Secrets for Marital Excitement |
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I don't feel loved or "special" anymore.
Your spouse used to positively glow whenever your eyes met or when you walked into the room. We all love basking in the warm glow of romantic love, but take a moment to examine your life through "reality-colored" glasses. Do you require this kind of reaction from your mate to feel good about yourself? Are you someone who needs constant reaffirmation? Do you forget who you are when your mate is absent, preoccupied with important tasks, or inattentive? How do you feel when you are alone?
Understanding our inner selves is a lifelong task, and marriage compels us to learn all that we can, says ThirdAge Insider and psychologist David Schnarch, Ph.D., author of Passionate Marriage.
It's okay to want affirmation from your partner, but when your self-worth hinges on it, you and your relationship will suffer. If you need your mate to make you feel special, then you're depending on what Dr. Schnarch calls "a reflected sense of self." This means that your sense of identity and self-worth will rise and fall depending on your partner's behavior, and your perceptions of same.
Your marriage will thrive in proportion to your ability to feel steady self-worth while building your relationship with a partner who's growing increasingly important to you.
Dr. Schnarch suggests an exercise that promotes self-discovery and relaxation. It's called "Hugging 'Til Relaxed," and it often helps reinforce individual perceptions of self-worth and rekindles romance in mid-life marriages.
- Move close to each other and stand squarely on your own two feet.
- Put your arms around your partner, and calm yourself way down.
- Stay in the hug long enough to deeply relax your body and your mind. (The average hug only lasts several seconds before one partner or the other breaks it off.)
- Shift position as necessary to make yourself comfortable. Eventually you will reach a meaningful, quiet connection with your partner--while also maintaining your relationship with yourself.
- Pay attention to what you're thinking and feeling.
Do this every night and you may soon feel stronger about yourself and more secure in your relationship. The cuddly romantic encounters that Hugging 'Til Relaxed often leads to are another great benefit!
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I love my spouse, but I'm no longer "in love."
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