Secrets for Marital Excitement |
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My spouse just isn't the person I married.
There's a myth in our culture that whomever we marry is our "ideal" or perfect mate and that we live happily ever after. This myth, of course, obscures the reality that we are complex creatures living challenging lives. Over time, few spouses appear as ideal mates even in happy marriages. Compounding the problem is that many people's romantic ideal requires youthful physical beauty!
The good news is that your spouse is the same person you married, but you must understand that your feelings and attitudes have changed over time. Remember: nobody lives trouble-free or happily ever after. Life has always been a test, but it's also true that enjoying a satisfying love life through midlife transition is well within your grasp.
Noted psychological researcher Judith Wallerstein, author of The Good Marriage, says that people enjoying balanced midlife marriages succeed because they maintain a healthy "double vision" of one another. That is, they remember what they loved about their spouse in the past, yet understand the reality of who their spouse is in the present. Wallerstein says memory and present reality are our keys to cultivating "double vision."
Here are some questions to guide you down memory lane.
- Do you remember the first time your spouse smiled at you? Make him or her happy, and you'll probably see it again!
- What was his or her personality trait that you first noticed and liked? Remember what brought this trait forward, and bring it out again.
- Remember your spouse's endearing habits. Does she still rumple her hair? Does he always help strangers? Can he or she still do a headstand? Realize how unique and wonderful your spouse was and is.
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My spouse no longer makes me feel good.
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