Still Sexy After All These Years

Linda Ade-Ridder knows a lot about sex, intimacy, and happiness among the over-50 crowd. As a professor at Miami University in Ohio, she conducted a research study on marital happiness among 244 couples. Half lived in retirement communities and the other half lived in the community at large. We caught up with her for a brief chat.

Q: What's the most popular myth about sex in the third age?

A: That being older means an end to sex. My research found that two-thirds of couples over 50 were still sexually active.

Q: How many years does that activity typically continue?

A: It differs widely, but it's interesting to note that the end of sexual activity is caused not by disinterest or lack of agility, but by injury, disease, or the loss of a partner. Aging is no different from disability in this regard: as people's needs and abilities change, their practices will change. You learn to express yourself sexually in a different way. When sex becomes difficult, touching and caressing become important and powerful means of expression. Everyone needs and craves physical attention, no matter their age.

Q: Does that mean there's a lot of sexual experimentation going on out there, as our bodies and physical needs change?

A: Not really. Although some people in this generation have overcome horrible beginnings, such as marriages started with little or no sexual experience and limited opportunity for frank discussion of sexual matters, most probably aren't taking on new behaviors. People probably aren't going to start having oral sex, for example, at age 60 if they haven't been having it all along.

Q: Are there any significant ways that sexual behavior does change over time?

A: Couples naturally express intimacy in different ways as they get older. Companionship becomes more important than sex. Sex is still important--among the top five favorite activities, say--but deeper, closer connections are at a premium. There's a change of focus.

I teach my students, people in their twenties, that sex is not just about orgasm. And this is a lesson they can learn from their elders. Older couples emphasize intimacy over physical prowess.

Q: How about frequency of intercourse? Does that change significantly?

A: While younger people tend to equate intimacy with intercourse, older and more mature couples do not. They do have intercourse less frequently, but it's not less pleasurable!

Q: You seem to be describing a return to romance, on a certain level. A shift from the physical to a higher level of intimacy. Does that mean that extramarital affairs, for example, decline in number as life goes on?

A: We don't really know much about extramarital affairs among seniors. People don't look at that among the population. But I'd love to see that change.

Q: Well, maybe we can change that here today! What about the romance, though? Do people tend to seek romance at all times of life, even after, say, the loss of a partner?

A: Eighty percent of widowers remarry, as long as they're healthy. And they typically marry women younger than themselves. Women, on the other hand, remarry in far smaller numbers, partially because there are fewer fish in the pool: women tend to marry men their age or younger...and the available men their age are off marrying younger women.

Still, despite those high numbers, the driving force in both intimate friendships and romances here is companionship, not necessarily romance. Common ground, spending time together, having someone to play with! It's important to not always be "the respected elder." You need to get out of that role, too, and reminisce, meet new people, spend different kinds of quality time with people outside the family role. People need both family relationships and peer relationships at all stages of life.

Q: You mentioned that sexual activity doesn't decline, though, as long as people are healthy. Seems to me that the health-conscious and active boomers, then, will be having sex later into life than their parents did, no?

A: Yes, probably. They're healthier, and they're living longer, too. The boomers have lifestyles that stress diet and wellness. They have more options. The average life expectancy in 1935 was 65, and today it's around 78. Sexual behavior will not decline while people are healthy.

Q: So we're looking at basically ten extra years of life, on the whole, to enjoy. And as you say, as we get older, there's more of a chance we'll be alone at some point. What mechanism do you think will emerge to get people together? I know that cruises and retirement communities have a reputation as being great places to meet people, but they're not affordable for everyone.

A: Well, there's an economic aspect to living longer, too. The people who can afford decent health care are the people who are living longer. People with less assets may be sicker longer.

Q: ...and may fall prey to certain conditions more readily due to living conditions, stress, that sort of thing.

A: Yes. But keep in mind that medical advances are also helping this situation for everyone. Even impotence, frequently brought on in years past by high blood pressure and heart medications, isn't as much of a problem anymore. Prostate surgery can cause impotence, because older procedures called for the cutting of some nerves--but now surgical practices have changed. Penile implants and so on can prolong sex life, where ten years ago this was not the case. There are more treatment options. One of the biggest problems is getting men to stop suffering in silence and go to the urologist!

Q: Any other advice to offer?

A: Emphasize finding intimacy! It requires communication and the flexibility to adapt to new needs.

Find out what other ThirdAgers are doing to keep the steam in their relationships. Join the Sex and Romance Discussions.

What is sexy, anyway?