Why It's High Time to Ditch Your Needy Friends and Help Yourself

Are you a people pleaser? If you are, you could be putting your health at risk. According to Les Barbanell, author and psychologist, many people pleasers could be suffering from a pathological condition known as "caretaker personality disorder."

In a book, Removing the Mask of Kindness, Barbanell describes how many "nice" people are actually feeling miserable, isolated, empty, guilty, shameful, angry, anxious and afraid of rejection. Needless to say, the majority of sufferers may be female, since females are mostly brought up to put the needs of other people ahead of their own.

We all know somebody who is really, really nice. Usually a woman (but it could easily be a man) who is "always there" for everybody else. Always there with a shoulder to cry on, endless sympathy to dish out, or an hour or two to spare for a good old heart-to-heart. Even celebrities feel the need to please. Actress Juliette Binoche and actor Stephen Fry admit to this trait.

But when you think about it, isn't it all rather unfair on these nice people? Does anyone ever stop to think of their feelings, before they call up to moan about their lazy spouse, cheating partner, boring job, mounting debts, failed diet or other minor crisis? Does anyone ever consider that their favorite agony aunt might just be fed up listening to their woes. It's hard to interrupt an unhappy person when they're unburdening their soul and say to them: "Actually, I'm watching TV." Or painting my nails. Or making a pie. Or writing a letter.

But if this new book is anything to go by, maybe it's time all the people pleasers out there just stopped acting as unpaid therapists and started taking care of their own needs. In other words it's time they said no to the late-night phone calls, no to the babysitting and no to the endless calls on their time and energy?

I remember someone saying to me that they had noticed an awful lot of nice people were getting cancer. And that certain prisoners who were serving a life sentence never seemed to age that much. Some of them, said my friend, seemed to look the same when they got out in the 1990s, as they did going into jail in the 1970s. And, of course, these observations make perfect sense when you compare the two lifestyles! Nice people never get a moment to themselves; they are always helping other people.