Are you a people pleaser? If you are, you could be putting your health at risk. According to Les Barbanell, author and psychologist, many people pleasers could be suffering from a pathological condition known as "caretaker personality disorder."
In a book, Removing the Mask of Kindness, Barbanell describes how many "nice" people are actually feeling miserable, isolated, empty, guilty, shameful, angry, anxious and afraid of rejection. Needless to say, the majority of sufferers may be female, since females are mostly brought up to put the needs of other people ahead of their own.
We all know somebody who is really, really nice. Usually a woman (but it could easily be a man) who is "always there" for everybody else. Always there with a shoulder to cry on, endless sympathy to dish out, or an hour or two to spare for a good old heart-to-heart. Even celebrities feel the need to please. Actress Juliette Binoche and actor Stephen Fry admit to this trait.
But when you think about it, isn't it all rather unfair on these nice people? Does anyone ever stop to think of their feelings, before they call up to moan about their lazy spouse, cheating partner, boring job, mounting debts, failed diet or other minor crisis? Does anyone ever consider that their favorite agony aunt might just be fed up listening to their woes. It's hard to interrupt an unhappy person when they're unburdening their soul and say to them: "Actually, I'm watching TV." Or painting my nails. Or making a pie. Or writing a letter.
But if this new book is anything to go by, maybe it's time all the people pleasers out there just stopped acting as unpaid therapists and started taking care of their own needs. In other words it's time they said no to the late-night phone calls, no to the babysitting and no to the endless calls on their time and energy? I remember someone saying to me that they had noticed an awful lot of nice people were getting cancer. And that certain prisoners who were serving a life sentence never seemed to age that much. Some of them, said my friend, seemed to look the same when they got out in the 1990s, as they did going into jail in the 1970s. And, of course, these observations make perfect sense when you compare the two lifestyles! Nice people never get a moment to themselves; they are always helping other people. Prisoners aren't really in a position to help anybody else, to be fair to them. And they don't have to worry about earning a living, or supporting a family network or helping their friends in any way. Of course, you could argue that only selfish people end up in prison in the first place. For if they were nice, kindly sorts they wouldn't have stabbed a pensioner to begin with. But the personality type that craves acceptance through kindness is much more prone to exhaustion -- both emotional and physical -- than the self-centered personality type. The nice person will agonize about letting anyone down. The nice person will ignore his or her own health worries in order to accompany a sick relative to the doctor.
The nice person will hand over money they can't afford, to a needy friend. They'll miss their favorite TV show to be a good listener. The nice person will never ask the habitual moaner why they keep on dating men who won't commit, or women who can't be faithful. Or why they keep on buying clothes and shoes or even cars when they've had their electricity cut off three times already. I don't know what the answer is. I suppose the thing to do would be to gradually stop being so, well, nice. Drop hints. Christmas is coming so that might be a good time to start. If you're a worn out people pleaser then maybe this would be a good time to announce you are going to the Outer Hebrides for Christmas. And then accidentally leave your mobile phone at home so nobody can call you for advice whilst you're away. Practice saying no. Start up a new hobby or pastime that means you have to leave the house at weekends, thus leaving your 24-hour helpline unmanned ... Go ahead and buy that new kitchen you wanted: your son/daughter/ friend/sister/brother will just have to pay off their own credit card debts. Maybe that can be your own gift to yourself this Christmas? The gift of time, peace, relaxation and a quiet life? Make that medical appointment, buy a new stereo (and headphones), book a holiday, and limit your agony-aunt duties to five minutes per phone call. Why not give yourself a gift for once? The gift of emotional freedom?
