Losing hope in my life, Depressed?

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Losing hope in my life, Depressed?
I'm 19 years old (male) and am going to school this summer to finish up a couple credits and will be graduating by the end of the month. It is the forth High School I have gone to because my dad and I kept moving across town. I would make a few friends at one school and be off to the next school not too long after. I got sent to the school I'm attending now because I got caught selling marijuana at my last school (I thought it would be a good way to make money and meet new people) I ended up going to jail for it and getting a Felony. I'm currently on Felony probation for the next six years for it and because of that none of my old "friends" want to hang out with me anymore. I have a great lack of friends and didn't get the regular High School experience like most of everyone does. I thought these were going to be the best years of my life, but they ended up making my life even worse. I only really have two true friends, my sister is five years older than me and married. We hardly talk because we don't have anything in common and she's off doing her own thing. My parents divorced five years ago and I have to hear both of them talk bad things about each other for the past five or six years. I have been suffering from major depression for the past three years and it's really starting to take a toll on me. I have never had a girlfriend or anything close for that matter. Because of that it really makes me feel worthless and I often spend my days after school and work going home and sleeping it off or crying in my room. I also always have suicidal thoughts throughout every single hour of every single day. I feel like I'm trapped in a box and can't get out, like there's no more hope in my life because of my unstable existence. My parents have noticed my suffering of depression and have sent me to a head doctor for the past two years. He knows my full situation because I've been going to him for so long and he doesn't even give me good advice at all. If he doesn't have the answers, I don't know who does because he has been practicing for over thirty years. I don't get any joy out of my life anymore and have lost interest in everything that used to excite me, such as hanging out with friends, tossing the football, throwing the Frisbee, skateboarding, guitar, and videogames. Yes it passes the time, but I don't truly enjoy anything at all anymore. My parents think that what I'm going through is just normal teenage stuff and they say "get over it" or "it's just a phase" or "stop burying yourself" I don't think they have the slightest idea of how I'm feeling. I'm running out of people to talk to about this, which is why I'm posting on the internet, my parents don't understand, my psychologist isn't giving me answers, and my sister is too busy doing her own thing (she's married and works full time), and I don't feel comfortable telling any of my friends because they'll think I'm crazy and might not want to have much to do with me anymore if I do tell them. I am against taking antidepressants because I used to take them and it made my suicidal thoughts even worse than they already were. And from what I heard, they make you feel like a zombie with numbed feelings and emotions. I'm running out of answers and losing hope and would appreciate some positive advice or insight. I am very close to ending my existence if things don't turn around in the next year because my life is simply miserable and no one seems to understand my problems. Yes, I'm aware that many people have it worse than I do, but depression even effects the most successful people in the world and happiness also happens to people who are misfortunate. I'm not sure how it works that way, but it just does. I have pretty much given up on trying to find a girlfriend because I have tried in previous years and have gotten rejected every single time, which has made my depression even worse than it was before that. If I can't attract a mate that I can emotionally and physically connect with, than I don't really see a reason in living my life anymore.
Hey sweet heart I know how u feel.. I just got off paxil for anxiety and depression... ur right... don't take them! Anyways, do things that make u happy.. at work and school try to find a girl to talk to even if its just as a friend!! Be positive and don't kill urself because that means u just give up and something great may happen in the future n u don't want to miss it..
Well, at least your parents noticed something was up, even if they don't understand you. It's genereally hard for people to understand depression if they've never gone through it, or even if they have. Don't expect your therapist to know everything. He see's you through his text book. He doesn't see you as anything like a friend, which is obviously what you need. Killing yourself obvioulsy won't do anything positive, but I'm not going to rant about that, because I'm sure you've heard all that before. You don't need to have a 'mate' when you're only 19. I understand not being satisfied with anything you do, and feeling as though anything that might satisfy you, you fail at, or would potentially fail at. It's how I feel. Just find things that will make things better for you, even if they don't make you feel better immediately. Example: Don't do anything with drugs! Okay, sorry, just had to get that out, though I'm sure you learned your lesson. If you just want a friend, or to rant/vent, or anything, I'd honestly love to hear. You can message me at anjumc3@yahoo.com


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