What struck me most forcibly was the fact I'd known his wife quite well even though I'd never met her! If that sounds rather odd, let me explain. In my business life, I come into contact with many male colleagues on a regular basis, yet rarely do they talk about their "other halves." Guy was different -- he was always bringing his partner into the conversation so that I had a clear, rounded mental picture of her.
Guy's inclination to talk about his wife openly and fondly was an indication of the strength of their relationship. And as I thought about this, I also wondered about the marriages of all those men I knew who hardly ever mentioned their wives. I'm not suggesting that any man who doesn't [rave] about his partner to colleagues or associates is heading for the divorce courts, but when, at a pre-Christmas gathering last year, we took time to remember Guy, a kernel of an idea planted itself in my mind.
As I looked round the table at all the men who habitually didn't refer to their wives, I speculated over what their Christmases would be like. Had they, as so many high-powered men do, spent all year grafting away in order to provide for the family, including the annual overseas summer holiday and the excesses of Christmas and New Year? Were they looking forward to the holiday and the chance to put their feet up for 10 days?
My mind turned to their anonymous wives: How were they feeling about the approach of Christmas? And then I had a flash of inspiration -- men and women view Yuletide in entirely different ways, and it is this clash of expectations that causes so many problems.
For most businesses, January is a sluggish month; for divorce lawyers, it is the busiest time of the year. Why? Because marriages that are already shaky finally collapse amid the stress of planning food and festivities, playing host to relatives and being cooped up in the house for more than a week during the dark days of late December.
Even happy families can find Yuletide a strain, so what hope is there for unhappy ones?
It occurred to me that even rocky marriages might be helped if Christmas wasn't such an ordeal. If it was planned carefully, in a way that helped to avoid the obvious pitfalls, it could even rejuvenate a tired marriage. So I decided to write a guide, explaining the different sexes' very different takes on Christmas and providing tips on how to get through the festive season in one marital piece. The result is "How NOT to Get Divorced After Christmas: A Yuletide Survival Guide," published recently. One half of the booklet is aimed at men, the other at women.
The soft-focus view of Christmas is of tinsel, toys and family togetherness -- singing carols round the tree, toasting chestnuts on the fire, and feasting on mouth-watering home-cooked food. Yet this sentimental view often bears little resemblance to the reality. Quite apart from the families already fractured by divorce, many people find Christmas an oppressive time, fraught with tensions and false expectation. One of the main reasons for this is that most men view Christmas as a holiday, whereas a majority of women -- particularly those with full-time careers -- view it as possibly the most stressful time of the year when they are required to do 10 times the amount of shopping and cooking on top of decorating the house, being nice to the in-laws and keeping the kids entertained.
Add to this the pressure of buying all the right presents and creating a Christmas dinner fit for Gordon Ramsay, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Of course, there are plenty of men around who don't simply sit back and let their wives bear the brunt of the work, but I'll bet a fair few of you reading this don't play a part equal to your wife's in terms of choosing gifts, deciding on menus and preparing the food.
So what can men do to ease women's burdens, and what can women do to ensure they're not tied to the kitchen sink all Christmas? Most importantly, what can both sexes do to ensure they won't be dismantling their marriage along with the Christmas tree in January? If you haven't done so already, start planning now. Go to the pub with your spouse, each taking a sealed envelope containing details of what you really want to do at Christmas and who, if anyone, you want to invite into your home. Open one another's envelope and start from there in discussing what arrangements to make. That way, any decisions are joint ones.
There are a host of potential flashpoints -- from back-to-back catering to dealing with the invasion of relatives -- and my booklet provides tips on how to manage them all so that Christmas is the festive season it's meant to be rather than the humbug of resentment, stress and disappointment.
Such advice might seem strangely at odds with my job as a divorce lawyer, but having seen the emotional and financial ravages caused by marriage breakdown -- including my own-- I strongly urge everyone to avoid treading that road if they can possibly avoid it.
Top Tips for Women
Christmas is meant to be a holiday -- make sure you have one, too.
- Keep it simple -- especially the food.
- Don't overlook what you want to do.
- Have realistic expectations; nothing is ever perfect no matter how much effort you put into it.
- If there are tensions in your marriage, lay off the booze.
- If you're divorced and the kids are with the ex, don't mope; pamper yourself or learn a new skill.
- If you're contemplating divorce, savor the time with your family; it might turn things around.
- Concentrate on making it a family time in the true sense of the word; plan fun activities with the children and enjoy yourself.
- Don't be a slave to convention: If it suits you to turn Christmas lunch into Christmas Eve dinner so you can just watch TV and open presents on Christmas Day, then do it.
- If it all seems too much, then tell everyone you're going away -- and go (or draw the curtains and pretend you've gone).
Christmas is meant to be a holiday for everyone -- not just you. Make sure it's a break for your wife, too.
- Reassure your wife that a simple Christmas is a great Christmas.
- Get involved in the planning -- and do it early.
- Make joint decisions on food, guest list, presents and activities.
- Draw up a list of jobs for you to do that will ease your wife's domestic burden -- and make sure you do them.
- This is supposed to be a family time in the true sense of the word, so make a detailed plan of shared fun activities, indoor and outdoor, and enjoy yourself.
- If there are tensions in your marriage, lay off the booze.
- If you're divorced and the kids are with the ex, don't drown your sorrows; hone those biceps or practice your overhead swing.
- If you're contemplating divorce, savor the time with your family; it might help turn things around.
- If it all seems too much, then book a family holiday in the sun or on the ski slopes.
Source: Birmingham Post; Birmingham (UK). Powered by YellowBrix.
