Affair Can Cut Much Deeper When There's an Emotional Bond

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- The e-mails between Gov. Mark Sanford and a woman in Argentina spell out their relationship in excruciating detail.

Addressed to "My Love," "Sweetest" and "My Beloved," the words express a sensual and emotional bond rather than a brief fling.

And that can make the pain sharper, deeper and longer-lasting, family therapists said.

"This wasn't a dalliance," said Linda Olson, director of the Columbia Pastoral Counseling Center. "It makes it much harder. The emotional involvement is much more profound and much deeper. Anybody who was watching it unfold just sees so much pain for all involved.

"The emotional involvement is equally as difficult to get past as the sexuality betrayal," Olson said. "And it's hard to forget.""

Everyone the governor, first lady Jenny Sanford, the Sanford children, his mistress in Buenos Aires is affected by it. And where does it go from here?

"I certainly believe people can survive long-term affairs by kind of restructuring their marriage in a way that the fidelity is there and the trust is re-established," said Jennifer Savitz, a licensed professional counselor in Columbia.

But, therapists agree, it takes a lot of time and a commitment to work things out.

"With any couple, what's been destroyed is the element of trust. That's not something you say is fixed and it's fixed," said Kevin King, a Columbia psychologist. "It takes time for rebuilding and re- establishing the commitment to the relationship."

And even then, it's hard to predict the long-term outcome.

"I've worked with couples who can't work through a text messaging affair when there was no physical touching," said Diane Gehard, a marriage and family therapy professor at California State University- Northridge. "And I've worked with others where there was an intensive physical relationship for several years. They spend several years working through things and, at the end, they'll say the affair was the best thing that ever happened because they were able to work to a level of honesty and intimacy."