Are Most Men Unfaithful?

What does monogamy mean these days?  Some of our culture’s inherent and often misconstrued expectations about sex and marriage include beliefs like, “All men cheat,” or “It doesn’t count if it’s online” or “It’s not really a threat to my marriage if I never plan on leaving my wife for her” or “What’s the harm if its only a strip club?” or “Paying for sex doesn’t really mean I’m having an affair” or the ultimate excuse: “Marriage kills your sex life.” Monogamy agreements are based on religion, culture, community and family. The implicit monogamy agreement is an individual’s expectation of fidelity – usually never even discussed with a potential mate These implicit expectations are often hidden or nonverbal. It is almost as if the couple expects that they should be able to read the other’s mind. It’s the classic illustration of “If you really loved me you would know what I expect without me having to tell you.” Infidelity isn’t an accident, it’s a choice. Just like marriage. The trouble is that trouble is fun sometimes. The excitement of the forbidden can be erotic and edgy. And yet to use Sigmund Freud’s definition of integrity, we have a super-ego that helps us control our impulses. Of course lots of things can entice us yet we don’t have to pursue our every urge. Most of us actually can control our sexual impulses.   Does everyone cheat? No. Could they? Sure. But monogamy is a daily choice we make even on those days when we don’t feel like it.   Dr Tammy Nelson is the author of What’s Eating You, Getting the Sex You Want and the upcoming The New Monogamy.