Two decades ago, they were high school sweethearts.
On a whim, he Googled her on his office computer, and found she lived in a nearby state.
"It's innocent enough," he told himself as he fired off an e-mail to her, "just two old friends reconnecting."
Months later, after an exchange of e-mails, then cell phone calls, in which they eventually talked about their tepid marriages, they agreed to meet at a hotel in Dallas.
This scenario, a composite of clients of Tulsa, Okla., marriage counselor Brent Sharpe, has become commonplace as the Internet and social media lubricate relationships between people.
"In the last three years, we've seen an astronomical increase in Internet-related affairs," said Sharpe, with the Life Connection Counseling Center. "This whole affairs thing is just off the charts."
Sharpe, a pastor who works primarily with Christian clients in his counseling center, said more than 50 percent of his practice is affair recovery, much of it Internet-related.
"Anything that's good always has its dark side," he said of the Internet.
"Twenty years ago, there was no way to find a high school sweetheart," he said. And social boundaries restricted the face-to- face contact needed for an affair to develop.
The Internet has removed those boundaries, he said, "allowing a relationship to begin to flourish where it never got any traction before." Sharpe said these illicit relationships usually start slowly and innocently, develop over time, and last a year or more before they are discovered. He said that 95 percent of the time, the spouses will never admit to the affair until they are caught, usually by their partners finding e-mails or phone bills. Dale Doty, founder of Tulsa's oldest Christian counseling center, said 10 to 20 percent of his new clients seek counseling because they've been negatively touched by technology. "Not a day goes by that I do not have at least one couple in my office who are recovering from relational betrayal" from a secret Internet relationship, said Doty, with the Christian Family Institute. "I don't consider technology evil. I love technology," he said, "but dangers are lurking under the surface." The explosion of social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace enables people to stay in touch with their friends, but also sparks affairs year-round that used to only happen after high school reunions, he said. Internet communication with old flames tends to be a serious violation to most marriages, even without a physical affair, Doty said. When the spouse finds out, there is a sense of betrayal.
Nearly half of Americans use the new social networking technology, he said, but the ethics and ramifications of these devices lag years behind their introduction. He recommends that couples talk about acceptable Internet behavior and develop clear boundaries. "When does an affair begin? The first moment you're doing something you don't want your partner to see," he said. Cynthia Gustafson, independent social worker and counselor, said that married people who look up old girlfriends or boyfriends on the Internet are "opening Pandora's Box." "It's even more dangerous (than developing new relationships online) because there is already something there to build on," she said. Gail Harwood, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist for 25 years, called Internet-related affairs "an incredible phenomenon" that she sees every day. "When one or both partners get involved in Internet relationships with the opposite sex, it causes tremendous damage to the relationship. It can take a long time to rebuild trust," she said. Clyde Glandon, senior therapist at the Center for Counseling and Education in Tulsa, is an anomaly: a professional without a cell phone. After helping people with what he calls addictive behavior related to the new media -- pornography, video games, cell phone texting, affairs and other abuses of Twitter and Facebook -- he is ready to see people unplug. "I think it's a cultural trend that will probably crest at some point and we'll pull back and say, 'I don't want to do that any more.' " "We all need to step back and cultivate being present with people," he said.
