Expert Advice Q&A: My Lover is Afraid to Infect His Wife with an STD

QUESTION: I have HPV. I informed my partner of this at the beginning of our relationship, but we elected to have sex anyway. He has now contracted the virus, and the symptoms and warts are present in both of us.

My partner is married, but had not had a physical relationship with his wife in over two years. Recently, however, he decided out-of-the-blue to renew their relationship, and the two of them had sex.

Since his wife has never had a relationship with anyone other than him, he feels he'll need to lie to her if he ends up giving her the virus. He plans to say that the virus has been in his system for years and is only now showing up, or that he doesn't know how he contracted it.

If he does give her HPV, what are the consequences for her? Despite my hurt, I don't agree with his plan, nor do I want to continue our relationship.

ANSWER: You bring up many issues, so let me try to address them in parts . . . here we go:

1. The fact that you and your (hopefully ex-) partner both have HPV doesn't mean you're free and clear to have unprotected sex with each other. You may have different strains of the virus and could be passing them back and forth to each other. You could also exacerbate your condition by continuing to expose your body to HPV, even when you're in remission. There are real consequences to having this condition that neither of you should ignore and that you should both discuss with your doctors. You both must always inform potential partners of your condition and use condoms to prevent its transmission.