How to Repair Your Relationship after Infidelity

As much as your partner's hurt needs remorse in order to heal, her anger needs vengeance in order to be expunged. The best restitution is for you to let your partner verbally vent every bit of revulsion, disgust, disappointment and hurt that you caused. She needs to feel completely drained of all the negative feelings your betrayal engendered. And you need to stand there and listen and take it without defending yourself. This outpouring of emotion will help satisfy your partner's need for revenge and help clear the air so you can move on to the next step.Her hesitation to trust you needs to see you rehabilitating yourself. You need to learn how to cope with upsetting issues in your life or marriage without resorting to an affair. You also need to reach the point where you actually favor your new and improved way of handling issues over resorting to deceit.Finally, your partner's resentment needs you to request forgiveness. Make this request only after you've built up a track record of remorse, restitution and rehabilitation for at least six months (and perhaps even as long as the length of the affair). Forgiveness is something that must be earned.One last point to keep in mind: If you demonstrate a solid track record of remorse, restitution and rehabilitation, and then request forgiveness and are not forgiven, you are no longer unforgivable --- your partner is unforgiving. Dr. Goulston is co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putman, 2001).