Lois Wyse: ThirdAge Insider |
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More Questions and Answers With Lois Wyse
Dear Lois
Nine years ago my son, daughter-in-law, and 10-week-old granddaughter left my house after Christmas dinner, and I haven't seen them since. I have tried to communicate, but my cards are returned with accusations of abuse which, of course, never happened. My granddaughter is now nine and probably has never heard of my existence. We gave our children as much as we were able: education, hospitality (they lived with me for three years while they saved to buy a house). Now they live in a million dollar house and have nothing to do with any of us, not even his brothers. BROKEN HEART Dear Broken
Unless you are able, by some miracle, to reach your son and explain your situation, you are powerless. There are some men who are controlled by their spouses (just as there are wives who are under the thumb of the men they marry), and parents are often ignored. Yours is an extreme story. I would suggest that you and your other sons meet. Maybe, together, you can present a untied front to your son (without his wife present) to indicate your continuing love and concern for him and to see if that can, in any way, soften his heart so he will permit you to have supervised contact with your grandchild.
Dear Lois
Last May, Mother, aged 86, was widowed for the second time. Now she is alone in California because my sister and I live in the Midwest. She has agreed to come back to live with me, but must sell her home first. It needs work, and I feel the realtor has overpriced it. Mom has had no offers, has reduced the price twice, but insists she will not "give the house away," though financially she doesn't have to make a lot of money on the sale. Taxes will eat up most of the money, anyway. My problem is that I like staying with my husband where I live and work, but Mom wants me there. Since May, my sister and I have used all of our vacation time staying with her because she will not leave the house vacant to come back here. I fear her health and emotional well-being is affected by the stress. Neighbors are helpful, but we're all at WIT'S END.
Dear Wits
Your poor, dear mom suffers from the same disease as many of her contemporaries. She has "Depression Mentality," a kind of financial trauma experienced by adults during the 1930s who saw banks close, mortgages foreclosed, and families ruined.
Perhaps your husband (older women seem to listen more carefully when men talk about money--for reasons contemporary liberated women sometimes don't understand) can persuade her to come to live in your community more easily than you can. Maybe he can assure her that financially she will be better off. But I think you and your sister have to convince Mom that you can't run off to California every spare minute--or you'll end up with a depression of your own, and it won't be financial.
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