Lois Wyse: ThirdAge Insider |
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Mourning For a Lost Spouse
For a few of us, mourning is a public act: the death of a larger than life celebrity, a princess, or a TV hero is a public event. When that happens, the whole world turns itself into a never-ending funeral cortege. But for most of us, grief is private and mourning is difficult. How it's handled can change the life of many loved ones.
Writing about our public display of grief over the death of celebrities, Thomas Lynch, author of "The Undertaking" and a funeral director, as well, offered these words in a recent New York Times Op Ed piece, "Perhaps if we were more willing to leave ourselves open to grief--deregulated, unplanned, unruly, potentially embarrassing--we'd have less free-floating, unattached heartache to spend on the packaged bereavement opportunities the media serves up. Maybe if we were better at wakes and funerals, those ancient parlor games by which we once buried or burned our own dead more publicly and mourned our local losses openly, we could let our princesses rest in peace."
Methods of Mourning
How has a personal loss affected you?
| But what happens after the flowers wilt and the tears stop? What is "proper behavior" for the survivors, particularly a surviving spouse who has outlived a long marriage? It's not the public mourning but the private behavior that worries the writer of this letter:
Dear Lois
My mother died in March of 1997. My dad is 82 and, until just recently, has coped very well. They were married for 55 years. After her death he let me know I didn't need to "worry" about him. He is in excellent health and very independent. In July of this year he left for a vacation while I was out of town. He bought an RV, was gone for four weeks and called home one time. When he returned, he tearfully asked me if I thought it would be okay if he started seeing someone. I told him I wanted him to be happy. A few days later I learned from his golf buddies that he had taken a woman, 20 years younger, on his vacation in the RV. I also discovered he had spent several hundred dollars at a local department store in the town where this woman lives although he met her just days before their trip. His friends say he never returns their calls. My brother had planned to take his vacation with Dad, but apparently Dad left with his new friend. Should I be worried? What should I do if he ever decides to tell me about this woman? Should I meet her if he wants me to? CAROL Dear Carol
If I were you, I'd be worried if Dad were camping on my doorstep in his RV. It sounds to me as if your father has decided that life is for the living and is trying to figure out the best way for him to live. I wouldn't worry in advance--who knows? You may meet her and find her a delightful and proper companion. Since she's 20 years younger, I wouldn't guess that a 60-something woman is an inappropriate choice. I should think it would be a comfort to you to know that he hasn't been out searching for women but spent a period of bereavement and adjustment. But if you have worries, why not sit down with Dad and ask him if wants to tell you about any people in his life now who matter to him? Your father sounds like the kind of man who wants your approval but hasn't figured how to get it. Give him a hand by lending him an ear. And then greet his new friend with an open mind. You may hate the idea of a woman replacing Mom (and I can't blame you), but it's Dad's life, and if you've read some of the letters from unhappy daughters and sons who are faced with handling parents who can't manage their lives and are in financial ruin, you'd be proud of your dad.
Coping: In Sickness and in Health? 
More about Lois Wyse.
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