ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch

The media pundits who're predicting Viagra will instantly revolutionize male sexuality--much as the birth control pill did for women in the late 60s--aren't far off the mark, but probably for reasons they might never consider.

Recognizing every man's desire to turn his sometimes fickle phallus into a rigid rod, they're leading us to expect erections of monumental--as in Washington--size and longevity. Small potatoes then to revive the deadest marriage or inflame the most disinterested partner.

NO ERECTIONS WITHOUT EMOTIONS Actually, bionic fail-proof solutions that produce no-matter-what erections have existed for at least the last decade. Although these methods had drawbacks (requiring as they did injecting drugs or inserting rods into the penis), they could nevertheless turn a man into a walking, talking dildo on command and under any circumstances. Undaunted by enemy gunfire or his children's quarrels, a man could "keep it up" and watch "Ellen" at the same time.

But, ironically, Viagra's impact will be tremendous, in part, because this is exactly what Viagra won't do.

A godsend to couples with heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and other serious medical difficulties, Viagra won't make sexual desire blossom in a desert of indifference or alienation. Given that some men want to have sex with their erection rather than with their partner, it may even lower desire for some couples. Women whose partners have no problems with erections may wish it were otherwise because Viagra won't improve their partners' lovemaking. Men who are quick on the trigger will find nothing different under the influence of the Big Blue Pill.

AH! THERE'S THE RUB When urologists say Viagra resembles non-assisted erections and requires "effective stimulation," too few couples understand the real life meaning behind those words. More than any prior technology, Viagra is sensitive to a man's emotional state and conditions, existing--or absent--that determine whether friction becomes "effective stimulation." The drug's effectiveness will be influenced by whether or not his partner could care less about sex--or more importantly, about him--and rather than obviating the need for intimacy or a functional relationship, Viagra may send some therapists' kids to college.

ROCK THE BOAT Still, millions of couples will enjoy Viagra's "Lazarus effect"--and leave things at that.

Adventuresome couples will use this second chance to pursue eroticism and intimacy far beyond their previous experience together. Bravo! Many of these couples will deservedly reap the blessings which maturity bestows on onglasting, intimate, sexual relationships.

But in those for whom Viagra doesn't "work" (about 30 percent of research subjects), the next place to look is into yourself and into your "other." For a subset of this group, Viagra will uncover the dark side of marriage.

What will that look like? The male partner who was feeling he had little to give with and took whatever he could get may begin to push for more eroticism, passion, frequency, or intimacy than his partner wants. The female partner who blames her sexual passivity or disinterest on her partner's problem penis may not want a Viagra-enhanced man who can call her bluff. Hubby's new erection doesn't prop up the marriage, but rather destabilizes the unspoken status quo. And husbands who don't want sex with their wives even when they do have erections won't be found in the line for prescriptions.

Going beyond the norm of your sexual relationship always creates anxiety. When it's happening because of a pill and in the absence of good will, the resulting sparks may be hot, but they won't be sexy.

YOU CALL THAT SEX? While Viagra may help some men relax, users and non-users alike will be less likely to be forgiving of themselves when they don't get an erection. Despite whatever good it brings, Viagra honors our unconscious belief that only intercourse is real sex, and these erections-on-demand may rekindle expectations that intercourse is how "real women" reach orgasm, too. It's not hyperbole to say that Viagra, like the birth control pill, may force us to round a corner in our thinking. It will bring some couples closer together, but reveal the painful chasms between others.

But either way, the pleasure of what marriage can be, especially as we age, is about to be revealed--along with the too widespread occurrence of lousy sex, lack of intimacy, and emotional estrangement that pervades many households. Even Viagra's limitations can be a boon to couples who recognize this pill will give rise to more than just erections.

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