ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch

What's worse than a teenager's first date? A ThirdAger's first date--especially after years of marriage and a bumpy divorce. Here's what you need to know to make your first date in years your best date in years.

Remember when dating was simple? Boy met girl. Boy called girl. Girl said, "Yes," and the next stop was either the bliss that prompted the next date--or the embarrassing anguish that made the whole romance crash and burn on take-off.

But if the simplicity of adolescent dating was sublime, the psychological trauma was always ridiculous. Some things never change. The complexity of changing sex roles, anxiety over aging, those rusty edges that set in during marriage--all of these things--can paralyze many otherwise socially competent ThirdAgers and transform them from interesting, confident people into Saturday night wallflowers.

HIGH ANXIETY  According to ThirdAge's romance expert, psychologist and author Dr. David Schnarch, you're betting your sense of self-worth on the outcome of a few casual hours. Almost no other social encounter has as much risk riding on the outcome. You may endure an eternity of anxious moments wondering what your date thinks, worried about whether or not--at least in your date's eyes--you're okay.

This core anxiety, common to all ages, turns up the volume on other uncertainties: should we group-date in a big, comfortable pack of pals or make it an intimate date for just the two of you? Should we have a formal dinner date? An outing like a bike ride? Is it okay for the woman to call the man? Or should she wait until he reads her signals clearly enough to give him the chops to pick up a phone.

UNFAMILIAR TERRAIN  Finally, add the unexpected reversal of sex roles, says Schnarch. Men, whose sexual activity may be slowing, wonder if the women they're dating expect a pass. Women, perched on a coy pedestal being sexually interested but not too available, calibrate their display of libido to what they think a man can handle. And there's the whole confusing message of gender warfare conveyed daily in the media.

The truth is nobody knows what's really going on. No wonder a first date is often first and foremost an encounter with distress.

SOLUTIONS  Just deciding to stand on our own two feet and be yourself will help, says Schnarch. If you're less anxious, your date will be, too. Be playful. Enjoy the process of dating as well as the person you're dating.

Ask your questions in the Intimate Lives discussion.

More about Dr. David Schnarch.

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