ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch

In the classic marital struggles over frequency of sex, which partner do you envision as the one with the high and unfulfilled desire? The man? Or the woman?

If your mind's voice answered "the man," you belong to the overwhelming majority of people who think of the male partner as the one who "can't get enough." In fact, we're so convinced of this supposed truth that guys grousing about being sexually deprived has become almost politically incorrect -- the drivel of an insensitive jerk who wants more frequent use of his wife's body.

But hiding behind this stereotype is one of the most heartbreaking truths of too many marriages: the invisible women who want more sex, the large number of women silently longing for a good tumble with the man they love, women who know that when Mae West said, "A hard man is good to find," she wasn't talking about body building. A surprising number of them show up with their husbands at our Passionate Marriage Couples Enrichment Weekends.

A CASE IN POINT Let's call her Anne. Chances are Anne is an older married woman who has been going for decades without sexual satisfaction from her partner. Anne is not easily dismissed. She suffers from loneliness more than horniness, and craves sexual joy more than genital relief. Anne is dying to be held by her husband -- for once, for more than five minutes -- so that they can finally relax together -- at last, before they die.

Who is this guy, her husband? I'll call him Roy. Roy is so frightened of letting someone really know him -- so filled with ANXIETY -- that he fumbles through the act of love like a paraplegic on stilts. He will have no emotional contact during physical contact. Roy's intent is to hide and protect himself. But the only one fooled is Roy. Anne knows his secrets and his vulnerabilities. The very fact that she suffers in silence year after year is testament to the fact that she knows him, and she loves him. She lies next to him each night, observing the unmarked "no trespass" zone that separates them physically by inches, and emotionally by miles.

Strip this chaste picture of Anne, the good wife, and you'll find an Anne who deeply craves a good romp in the sack. Lots of women keep more than a trace of Mae West -- that brazen hussy! -- buried under years of trying not to want sex because it hurts less that way, and feeling bad about themselves because they still do. It's okay for men and 90s "Spice Girls" to declare themselves sexually carnivorous. But women who were girls a number of decades ago aren't used to doing that.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR LOVE What is the impact of this kind of deprivation? The Annes of the world get depressed; some get bitter. They grieve for the waste in their own lives, and for the lost opportunities for shared meanings and moments with the ones they love. Their chests hurt, and their hearts ache. They feel bad about themselves and wonder, "What's wrong with me? Is it my personality? Is it my appearance? Am I that bad in bed?" And eventually, they get tired of crying in private, and drudge on through their marriages like plow mules.

While some congregations struggle over the promise to "honor and obey" in marital vows, many married women might prefer to know what happened with "to have and to hold." The answer is that sometimes, honoring your husband and your marriage demands challenging the status quo, even -- yes, especially -- about sex. And honoring your wife means taking her off the pedestal and holding her long into the night -- before giving her what Mae West loved most.

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