ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch

Have you ever hurt yourself with sex? Lots of us have done a few things (or more) we regret. Few of us haven't lied to have sex, lied during sex, or lied immediately afterward.

Minor acts of sexual self-destruction still shape our lives greatly. We make small assaults on our integrity, like the infidelity of extramarital affairs, or the infidelity of pretending to be emotionally present during sex when you aren't. The latter infidelity occurs more often in more marriages, although it's a toss-up which misrepresentation is more corrosive to your relationship and your self-worth. There are a lot more dramatic forms of erotic self-destruction. Sexually abused children often develop a taste for sexual self-debasement. But why does the most powerful man in the world destroy himself with sex? Perhaps contemplating this question can salvage something productive out of Bill Clinton's sexual fiasco.

WHAT'S BEHIND A COMPULSION? No doubt the term "sex addict" will now dominate the media--and that is the problem. Sexual addiction theory says sex addicts are junkies for a sexual "high," the same way alcoholics are driven to drink. The truth is, however, that "sex addicts" often crave the low--the morning-after crash when consequences of their behavior become reality. Self-degradation through self-indulgence. Self-castration through excessive use of one's genitals. Destruction of a life's work, public humiliation, and loss of personal credibility. "Compulsive sexual behavior" is a better description than "sex addict." Like most compulsions, compulsive sexual behavior is an ineffective attempt at reducing our anxiety. And what is this anxiety? Often it is caused by our own success, however large or small. It's as if we cannot rest until we have diminished ourselves somehow. We will not accept ourselves as the people we aspire to be or actually have become. We cannot rest until we triumph in our own debasement; our narcissism tolerates no limits and thereby greatly limits us.

Think of priests who have sex with their parishioners. Are they just hedonists who care only about their own pleasure? We often overlook their self-destructive side. Imagine doing something that attacks the heart of the institution and belief system you've devoted your life to, violates your spiritual values, exploits people you've befriended, and makes your life's work a sham. To someone whose life revolves around vows and commitments, such acts are sexual suicide. It isn't true that people who engage in compulsive sexual behavior don't care about what other people think of them or what they think of themselves. The point is they often do--and sometimes they try to kill the part of themselves that still knows right from wrong. It's like when your leg falls asleep and you don't want it to wake up because you know it's going to hurt.

PROGRAMMED FOR DESTRUCTION Lots of people's sexuality is their Achilles heel. Remember the self-crucifixions by Jimmy Swaggart, Marvin Gorman, Jim and Tammy Baker, and the former Archbishop of Santa Fe? And what about Wilber Mills and Gary Hart? Did they simply have excessive libido, excessive grandiosity, or did their sense of entitlement get out of hand? Sometimes our darkest secret is that we're emotionally programmed to self- destruct. Our genitals are just the detonator.

We need to ask ourselves, "Why does someone take such risks?" Risk their career, livelihood, and future opportunity, the love of their family and their loved ones' happiness--often everything they've worked for. It isn't simply craving "risky" sex, because sometimes it's not about risk, it's about certainty. Bill Clinton isn't someone who finally slipped up and got caught. He kept doing it until "getting caught" was virtually certain. And rather than his debacle being a desperate cry for help as sexual addiction counselors will no doubt claim, it is the pyrrhic victory of willfulness vanquishing self-control and self-preservation.

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