ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch

These days, nobody's social circle is without someone who's gotten, getting, or about to get a divorce. The impact of divorce looms so large--or perhaps it's so commonplace--that it's easy to ignore how it comes about.

A couple I know is in the middle of a divorce. In this case, one partner moved out suddenly, filed for divorce, and "quickly" took a lover. All indications point to the prior existence of a hidden affair.

In this situation, our hearts go out to the partner who remains monogamous. We understand their feelings of humiliation, envisioning themselves as the butt of derision from the trysting couple--or as the object of scorn from neighbors and coworkers. Overwhelmed by a potent mixture of anger, guilt, and wounded narcissism, they're often kept afloat by the solace and support of caring friends. The faithful spouse is perceived as the more disadvantaged, almost without fail. After all, the other partner is now comfortably ensconced in a new relationship.

PATTERNS OF FALLING OUT As a sex and marital therapist, I've seen lots of marriages dissolve in this pattern, and it has changed how I focus my efforts to help both partners. For all the emotional turmoil monogamous spouses endure, I've also known them to emerge from this situation in better emotional shape than they've ever enjoyed before. Not so for the spouse who "found someone new" before separating from their current partner, all the while lying about it.

While the pain of the monogamous spouse is immediate and apparent, the fallout for the adulterous spouse is usually longer in coming and less predictable--until you understand what's going on.

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