ThirdAge Insider: Dr. David Schnarch |
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Should You Commit to Your Relationship?
THE COMMITMENT THAT COUNTS If monogamy, relationship longevity, and long-term passion are your goals, the most important commitment is the one you make to yourself. Your partner's only real security with you is knowing that you don't lie to yourself or violate your own integrity. Without that, commitments made to your partner are worthless.
Perceived "commitments" made to each other are usually null and void when one partner feels the other has defaulted on the deal. These commitments encourage reciprocal withholding and retaliatory indiscretions. Commitments made to yourself still apply even when your partner violates himself/herself or treats you unfairly. That doesn't mean you tolerate your partner's behavior, regardless. It means you don't tolerate or excuse your own poor behavior when your partner treats you poorly.
When we value the commitments our partner makes to himself/herself, we love him/her the way he/she is. When we extract commitments from him/her, we seek promises that we think he/she doesn't really want to make. Only a fool or a perpetual victim relies on commitments begrudgingly made by their partner.
Two partners who make parallel unilateral commitments to themselves always produce a stronger relationship than those who make reciprocal quid pro quo promises to each other. Extracting commitments, like getting your partner to love you, is a fruitless task that destroys love and romance. Real commitment, like love, involves willing investment in our current life, frequently re-evaluated and reaffirmed, which helps transcend the frustrations and limitations of human relationships.
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