Discussion
Dating after 50, Hosted by Tom Blake (tooter1)
Posted 7/23/08 6:27 PM
Dating after 50, Hosted by Tom Blake (tooter1)
During our adult years, most of us plan to retire with our spouses. Then, one day, we wake up single.
Eventually, we'd like to love again and find a mate. But we aren't prepared for this pursuit. We're confused and have tons of questions and experiences -- some good, some bad. That's what we'll discuss here, so please join in!
--Tom (AKA tooter1)
Posted 11/10/08 4:15 PM
FRUSTRATION
sINCE i LOST MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, i HAVE NEVER MET SO MAY CRAZY, DERANGED, COO COO BIRD, OFF THE WALL WOMEN IN ALL MY LIFE. i COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES. aLL TRUE.
Posted 10/25/08 11:29 PM
Perfectly Paired
I have been a licensed clinical social worker in private practice the past 8 years, helping single and married people identify criteria for an "ideal partner". I have developed a site called www.perfectlypaired.com that will be out between Thanksgiving and Xmas. Be prepared to be perfectly matched, by utlizing special exercises for Self Discovery, Self Improvement and how to have long lasting, healthy relationships. I will keep you posted!!
Marla Stone, LCSW
www.southocwellness.com
Posted 09/22/08 7:05 PM
Male 67 weighing on on this "discussion"
Okay, I am just turning 67, and read maybe 1/3rd of the comments and have some things to share. I was married when I was in my 20's, it lasted 2 years. A little wary after that, I lived with a girl for 2 years, we got on great but decided to break up from living together; I am friends with her still but platonic ever since breakup. Then I even lived with a guy for two years, and we broke up...I was never more than 30% "that way" I guess, but I know a lot more about myself and others as a result. Then wonder of wonders, my sex drive (which had been "too strong" when I was young) became greatly lessened. Intimacy was what I wanted 75% of the time...no 90% of the time...climaxing wasn't so important anymore. I decided after studying the common drugs that give you an erection, that they were "very un-natural" even though we get bombarded with those crazy commercials. Now I just like intimacy, and believe in living together if you both get along and have a mix of things you like to do together, and some independence too. Any comments on THAT?????
Posted 09/15/08 9:28 PM
All is Well,
Well, all is not well. I have been involved in a church, and having been a little promiscuious a few years back , i have been a very good girl. Well, i was at church and got involved in the Media there and I guess that lets you in on a whole underworld (hehe) , because i was being played with by some of the married couples there. I sappose it brightens there sex life.
Well, it hurt my feelings and i am moving from this town. It was the finel straw. I had went there for the friendships and the kindness that i needed without the come on, after having a bad relationship a few years ago. Well, they knew what i had went thru and that I had dated someone that i really did'nt want to , and they knew. So when the man that ran the media dept. at church, started giving me the eye, i said wow, and only my second day at practice, and then i thought that my daughter had told me that the man was married, Well, he is, i called her and made sure. I had tryed to ignore what was happining. Good thing, and then i was shunned when i did'nt play along.
I am stunned and hurt, they know i am a big weirdo right now at this stage because of the fiasco i just went thru. Well, maybe they'll think twice before involving someone single to flirt and spice up there relationship. I just could'nt. I will move to the Bay Area (sf) shortly and just be cool , and relax , no quick fixes for me, but i might meet the right man anyway. I have'nt even been dating. Wish me luck. Throw in a prayer , or what ever you all do.
Posted 09/15/08 11:33 AM
Some Support
Hello All,
I've been reading some of the post and had to join in...I need some support even if on-line (smile).
Just coming out of a marriage of 15yrs. Thought I was ready to date. But it has just been was made painfully clear that I'm not ready.( After being wined and dined, roses and all, by a man who I THOUGHT was enjoying my company for the past two months. He has just stopped calling,) As much as I want to say it doesn't sting. It does!! I'm way too old, (51),for this! I realize I may have said one too many comments about my EX issues, and more importantly, I allowed myself to make love with him. I say allow because I can't say he took advantage of me or pressured me. I fully consented. Heck, I had not been love to made to in YEARS by my ex. I know was vulnerable and wanting...not a good combination. Checkpoint: If I'm wanting, waiting and sad about him not calling, I'm too dependent on his for my emotional "feel good," as I was with my ex. Also, I don't need this type of experience when it's just put on top of my real issue...getting over my ex. I only took the step of dating to move forward. But this just pushes me back. I didn't need this blow to my self esteem. I'm reading books, the Bible, praying trying & to stay busy, to move forward. No need to condemn me for sleeping with him so soon (it was after full 2 months, not the first night) I'm trying to not beat up myself up about that.
I could use some support. Thanks
Posted 09/15/08 8:01 PM
Hey I can empathize, I am 3
Hey I can empathize, I am 3 yrs out of an 18 yr marriage and am struggling with the when to or not to do things questions. It's tough, I've met someone I really feel a connection with, he's made it clear he's seeing a few people, (which I appreciate) and granted I've only seen him a total of 5 times, but I am so attracted to him, and am wondering if the lack in my marriage makes me more sexually attracted and responsive to him. I know that I need to wait but it's a struggle. The feeling that things have cooled after you have been intimate is really hard to deal with but I think that if you try and look at it as a learning experience (no fun I know) and try and hold off a bit next time, because it sounds like this relationship has peaked maybe??? I'm sorry but you feel it too. After a few days of licking your wounds, you should move on and be stronger for it. Was I too blunt? I hope not, we're in the same boat.
Posted 09/05/08 7:13 PM
Dating after 50
When I was getting divorced at the age of 52 14 years ago I was worried about finding a good woman who would have me. A very dear woman friend told me not to worry, I would never runout of women. She was right! When it is over with one another turns up, so not to worry all you over 50 daters out there.
Posted 09/15/08 8:00 PM
But you are a man! it is
But you are a man! it is different for a woman
Posted 09/10/08 11:50 PM
Most of these women that
Most of these women that turn up are hoping for a serious relationship, a partner, someone they can trust and depend on and not someone who collects trophies. I have only met men who think this way. One asked me to quit my job to travel with him. And he thought I was one of these women who hates to work and I would jump to the opportunity. Well, he was wrong. Not only do I like my job, I found it very insulting from him to put myself in such jeopardy. I feel, the only good time to travel with someone is, when you have a solid relationship with that person and the only time I would quit my job is, if that man would offer me financial security. I also don't believe in sex unless it is in a commited relationship. People used to think this way. Women don't seem to have expectancies any more, or are men not willing to commit a second time?
Posted 09/06/08 3:11 PM
Notard, I had about the same
Notard, I had about the same experience but didn't find it as enjoyable as you seem to have. I divorced at 50 and found the women plentiful. For the first couple years I didn't want anything serious and had lots of casual flings. Eventually though I found that lifestyle to be empty, unfulfilling. For about 5 or 6 years now I've been hoping to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. My experience here is that it's a lot harder to find a life partner than to fine someone for a roll in the hay. The past two or three years failing health has made my search even harder. About four women during this time entered into serious relationships with me only to cut and run when the seriousness of my illness sank in to them. I told them about it from the beginning but evidently it wasn't real to them until they spent a lot of time with me and saw for themselves how sick I was. Anyway I stopped dating for about 6 months there because I was in the terminal stages of Pulmonary Fibrosis. That was reversed by a lung transplant and I'm back on the road to good health. Now three of those X girlfriends have hinted that they would like to be with me again but I don't want one who will cut and run if things get rough again. I want someone I can count on to be there through the bad times as she will be able to count on me through the bad times as well as the good.
Posted 11/19/08 9:55 AM
I'm in the same boat, ie the
I'm in the same boat, ie the serious illness part. My problem lies in that when they removed my tumor I had to have my digetive system "re-arranged". This has proven to be the BIGGEST turnoff for some men- to the point of cruelty. So what do I do? I won't lie, but how long would you continue searching for someone special? I'm not giving up yet, but the next man who tells me he finds my "predicament" disgusting, well they may find themselves face to face with the contents of my "predicament"!
Posted 09/03/08 12:47 AM
Liveinit
Don't give up hope! The Good Lord provides. Even in my wildest dream could I have ever imagined that He would send me a wonderful man. I married him when I was 61 years of age. It was his third (to me) and my second after my divorce. So don't give up hope yet. Trust HIM! When the time comes, your special will be there.
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Posted 08/27/08 7:33 PM
Texas Gal
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Posted 08/27/08 7:29 PM
Texas Gal
I have been reading some of your post and I am among the lonely, needy and wanting to date people. No where can I go that there are men available whom are not married
Posted 08/27/08 4:21 PM
To HappyTeach
Hi there---A similar situation happened with me. I was dating a guy who had been married for 28 years and his wife dumped him because he was unfaithful. He was newly separated. We saw each other every weekend and went on a couple trips together. We dated for about 5 months and were getting close. After the last trip, he decided he wanted to break up. I had helped him get over his marriage breaking up and then he realized there were lots of other women out there. I would agree with the guy who posted that men over 50 act like teenagers and want to re-live those years. That is exactly the way this guy was--constantly drooling over women, talking about sex and how popular he was in high school! We are both 50. I view this as a learning experience. I am learning what I want in a potential life companion. Although as women we want everything NOW, there is no rush. Just enjoy each day as they come. Dating over 50 is challenging. The key is finding someone who likes you for who you ARE.. not the clothes you wear or the kind of home you live in. Since there are so many of us over 50, you'd think the odds are pretty good of finding the right person!! Cheers.
Posted 09/06/08 2:55 PM
Amethest, it wasn't the age
Amethest, it wasn't the age of the guy that made him act like that, he is just that kind of man. I mean, you hooked up with a man that trashed his marriage by screwing around. Did you think he would want to settle down with one woman after he done that? Most likely he'd been fooling around most of the time he was married. There are plenty of over fifty men who are single for one reason or another who would love to devote themselves to a special woman. You have to look at a person's past history to get some idea of his/her future behavior. If you get into a relationship with one who does that he will not hesitate to do it again.
Posted 08/26/08 1:13 AM
liveinit
I am a nice good looking christian lady that Just tipped over fifty. Along the way I raised 3 Children as a single parent. Just experienced the empty nest. After divorce dated on and off but didn't have much time left after kids and 2 jobs. *(Needed to support the 3 kids) I found time latter for my own interest. I have a close walk Jesus that gives me allot of joy. Didn't wait for someone to give me happiness, life is great i just want to live in it. I thought someday a relationship would develop and it hasn't, has anyone else experienced this?
Posted 08/29/08 6:22 PM
I too am a single
I too am a single parent,who raised 5 kids after my wife walked out for greener pastures. That was 12 years ago. I too thought God might bring someone special into my life in those long ,lonely years. But God works in His time, not ours. And looking back at those years, I now understand why things happened the way they did, and seeing that now, I would'nt change a thing even if I could. I guess it all comes down to this, God does'nt have to bring another person into our lives to make us happy. And I thank Him for that.
Posted 08/24/08 12:14 AM
happyteach
this is my first posting and i am about to finalize my divorce after a very painful split. you message caught my attention because moving on is a fundamental part of life. there is one simple lesson i have learned...moving on is about you not the other person. i was married for 16 years and the breakup was quite difficult because i wanted to understand what happened so i could move on. i still don't understand what happened, but i decided to focus on my feelings and not trying to understand his. it's the best lesson i have ever learned!
Posted 08/18/08 9:00 PM
atlaw191
Married twice, divorced twice (I initiated iet each time), and after having spent the greater part of 23-24 years "coupled", I've been on my own now for over 15 years and haven't even dated in the last several. Although I miss the sometime companionship, one can never be truly happy until one makes oneself happy. No one else can do this and really no one should ask that another person "make them happy". I've spent a long time getting to know myself and am happy with who I am at this point. I have 5 grandsons - no granddaughters and I am hopeful that I can enjoy them all while working full time for the rest of my life. I have a home, a new college degree and great life with my son's two Jack's (they had 3 children in 2 years)...as well as two rescued cats. In my experience "love" is blind or more accurately "calculated" in my experience. I feel very lucky in many respects to even be alive after some of the experiences I've had so I just "leave it alone." One can lead a great life without the "last love" as long as you have friends, family and especially grandchildren who teach you to love fully, unconditionally, and I've blessed to have that...Anna
Posted 08/14/08 7:00 PM
Ditto
Hey Happyteach...I was seeing a guy that I was very attracted to...thought it was mutual and he vanished too...it hurts...I'd rather the guy be honest with me rather than ignore me. If I did something I'd like to know what...I'm a big girl...I can take it.
Posted 08/14/08 3:33 PM
Wake up
The problem is, alot of men over 50 just want to have a good time like they were teenagers again. The problem is that they have never matured with age and that is so sad. It is nice to find someone and enjoy the rest of your life together. Quit playing those games because i'm tired of having to listen to those sob stories from females that i date.
Posted 08/14/08 3:33 PM
Wake up
The problem is, alot of men over 50 just want to have a good time like they were teenagers again. The problem is that they have never matured with age and that is so sad. It is nice to find someone and enjoy the rest of your life together. Quit playing those games because i'm tired of having to listen to those sob stories from females that i date.
Posted 08/14/08 2:39 PM
Whoah padna!
Hey, Texasknight! Let's not just ASSUME happyteach had sex with the guy. She just said they went on vacation together. Maybe she didn't sleep with him, the chemistry wasn't there for that, and instead of saying so the guy just vanished with the wind, as so many do. Anyway, sorry you were betrayed and hurt and glad to hear you're recovered for the most part and actively looking again.
Gretta
Posted 08/14/08 9:26 PM
Gretta in this day and age
Gretta in this day and age it's a reasonable assumption. If she did or didn't sleep with him she has nothing to be ashamed of. He should be ashamed though, if for nothing else just dissappearing from her life without telling her why. That has happened to me too often and I can empathize completely with her there. Some of them we went out a few times, others the first meeting would go something like this: Meet, have a nice meal, sit and talk for an hour or so after. Time to go she says something like "I sure do like you and I really look forward to getting to know you. I'll email you soon as I get home." She hugs me, gives me a kiss on the cheek, gets in her car and drives off into the sunset never to be heard from again. No emails, doesn't answer her phone. It takes a while for reality to sink in before I'll believe I've been done that way again. No matter how many times it happens it always takes me by surprise. I make it a point never to discuss a second meeting at the first one. If I don't want to see her again I'll email her as soon as I get home and let her know in the nicest way I can. I think I diserve the same courtesy rather than an out and out lie.
Posted 08/13/08 10:06 PM
happyteach
I am 56 years old and have been divorced for 7 years. I finally ventured out into the dating world and after several months met a gentleman to whom I was very attracted. The feeling seemed to be mutual and we dated for 5 months. We went on vacation together and had a great time. However, I have not heard from him since we have returned (over 3 weeks), and he won't answer my emails asking for an explanation as to what is going on. I am hurting and don't know what to do. If I could only understand what happened, I could move on, Does anyone have any ideas?
Posted 08/14/08 2:06 PM
Hi Teach. I'm sorry you
Hi Teach. I'm sorry you were hurt like that. My opinion is that the man is a jerk. He used you for sex and had no intention of getting into a serious relationship with you. He led you to believe he wanted something beautiful and lasting with you with the intent of getting into your panties. After a few months topped off by the vacation he decided to move on to a new conquest and to the next notch on his - uh, you know. If the truth be known he probably had other girlfriends at the same time who each think they are the one and only. It's sad thet there are people that rotten in the world but it isn't exclusive to either gender. I was in a similar situation, except the lady turned out to be married. She thought she had to lie to enjoy a little fun on the side with me. Had I known the truth I wouldn't have gotten so attatched to her but under the cercumstances I fell head over heels for the lady and ended up hurt very badly. This was in 01. I was 51 then and I'd been divorced only about a year. I'd just gotten over being gunshy because of the way my X did me and this lady set me back until it was a couple years before I would even think about getting into a serious relationship again. Even since I've been so over cautious that I've messed up a couple of relationships just by being too careful. I think I'm completely over that now but I've got health problems that make me not such a great catch. Looks like I'll be single the rest of my life. Don't do like I did, there are good, caring, loving men out there. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs along the way but don't let that stop you. Your prince is out there somewhere, it's up to you to find him. Good luck,
Posted 08/14/08 2:19 PM
Whoah cowboy! Let's not
Whoah cowboy! Let's not ASSUME Teach had sex with the man. She just said they went on vacation. Maybe she didn't have sex, which would be well within her rights to reserve that part of her for a more committed relationship, and maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for the two of them and instead of just saying so, the man wimped out and just vanished with the wind, as so many of them do.
Whad'ya say?
Posted 09/10/08 7:19 AM
wow not all men act like
wow not all men act like teenagers we only want to remember what it was like being a teenager after prostrate surgery, i didn't feel like a man anymore and went surfing to find somone to talk with who could make me feel like a man again any suggestions?
Posted 08/13/08 6:32 PM
It is hard to find Love again, no matter what the issue is....
Posted 08/13/08 8:51 PM
It is just as hard to find
It is just as hard to find someone when you're divorced...
Posted 08/13/08 3:20 PM
To NiceTiger
Sorry Tiger, but why can´t your wife do anything for you in that direction?
By Nicetiger
Posted 05/30/08 7:46 AM
I'm on the coast of CA, near
I'm on the coast of CA, near San Luis Obispo, and much in need of a woman. My wife can't/won't do anything for me in that direction.
Can we talk?
Posted 08/15/08 2:26 PM
Um, tiger, perhaps there is
Um, tiger, perhaps there is a reason that your wife won't do anything for you in that direction.
Posted 05/16/08 4:52 PM
Hi all, I havnt been on this
Hi all,
I havnt been on this site for a few years..but i miss the fun of connecting with others.
I recently moved in with my soon to be divorced son..its been funny..its like he is the kid again an i am MOM..
no complaints but its funny how we have gone back in time to the old days when he was a teenager,,,anyone else having this experince or am i the only one who is doing this ..
Posted 03/03/08 4:33 PM
I've logged in here several
I've logged in here several times over the past several weeks, and see nothing new posted. Am I missing something? Where are all the posts where dating folks discuss the trials and tribs of OLD and compare notes to give one another courage. Has anyone checked out this site?
Middleageconfidential. My lifeasadate.com
The posting there are quite interesting.
Posted 02/22/08 1:58 PM
Hi Eirenee, When you say
Hi Eirenee,
When you say *Internet Dating Classifieds* do you mean internet dating sites? I date online and have done so for a long time, off and on. Because internet dating involves a lot of rejection, truly that is the nature of the process, and you can't take things personally, I use a few sites as support groups to compare and talk it out. So, you get a *ghoster*, so does everyone else. Here's a couple of ideas: one is called, ready for this:
mylifeasadate.com
and the other is the internet message boards on ivillage
Both have great supportive people, but not classifieds. The first one is geared more to middle agers. FYI
Let me know how it goes!
Posted 01/31/08 9:29 AM
Have moved away from the
Have moved away from the area I lived in for 30 years...and finding it hard to make friends (I'm not a church goer) Though people of any age are welcome, I'd like to have some pen pals and perhaps those in the age range of 60-70 would be very compatible.
Posted 04/01/08 1:45 PM
Hi Gisele22 This is my first
Hi Gisele22
This is my first time signing on to a discussion group, but if you need a pen pal I'll give it a try. I'm not on the computer everyday, but I do find it fun.
I'm in New Jersey - where are you?
Geri
Posted 01/14/08 10:59 PM
Join my circle friends on
Join my circle friends on meetwealthyboomer.com. Pople in my circle are umlimited to connecting each other.
Posted 02/22/08 1:40 PM
Sorry, but what does this
Sorry, but what does this actually mean?
Pople in my circle are umlimited to connecting each other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted 01/14/08 10:59 PM
I hate loneliness. Join my
I hate loneliness. Join my circle friends on meetwealthyboomer.com. Pople in my circle are umlimited to connecting each other.
By JBROWNCALIF
Posted 01/06/08 9:27 PM
I have a doozy of a one for
I have a doozy of a one for you...
I just broke up with my boyfriend because of his severe case of mental illness.
This back and forth has been going on for years.
I broke up with my husband and divorced him for alcoholism and was chasing this gorgeous, sweet guy. I did not know that something was seriously wrong with him although other people noticed years before.
I wound up marrying a guy on the rebound but the marriage failed after 2 years because of drug addiction on my husband's part. He is happy with someone else now. I wish him well.
I called up my ex-boyfriend and resumed our relationship long distance.
I moved back down here to Phoenix, Arizona and in with my boyfriend because he was real sick. I took care of him for 6 months and even got a job. I could no longer handle his severe case of mental illness and I left him after I suddenly realized one day what was really wrong with him.
I had to report him to the driver license people to hopefully suspend his driver license because of his severe mental problems, and he is suicidal, and his severe vision problems and other severe health problems. He figured out that I was the one who reported him and I believe that they suspended his license based on the signed statement that I faxed to the driver license people.
My ex-boyfriend is depressed and going through a hard time right now and he even is dating a woman that he cares nothing about because he is desperately lonely but it is not working and he is in the process of breaking up with her. It has lasted about a month so far.
We have a close mutual friend who is watching over him for me. I am also praying for him every day.
He is a truck driver and a biker who likes to ride motorcycles.
I hope he gets treatment for his severe mental illness.
He has "Multiple Personality Disorder" caused by severe, horrific child abuse when he was about 2 to 5 years old, more or less.
What now? Do I give up on this man when he desperately needs someone to love him and someone to depend on? He desperately needs to know that someone cares about him and loves him.
I have sent him several cards with very loving words and I believe it helps comfort him. He is not ready to talk to me on the phone yet. He is still angry with me and terrified of me to the point of being paranoid.
So, what to do? Give up on him, or wait a while, as our close mutual friend advised. This friend is an elderly man who is 86 years old, so he ought to know something.
Any ideas? I really love this man and I know he loves me.
Anybody?
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