Discussion
Dating after 50, Hosted by Tom Blake (tooter1)
Posted 7/23/08 6:27 PM
Dating after 50, Hosted by Tom Blake (tooter1)
During our adult years, most of us plan to retire with our spouses. Then, one day, we wake up single.
Eventually, we'd like to love again and find a mate. But we aren't prepared for this pursuit. We're confused and have tons of questions and experiences -- some good, some bad. That's what we'll discuss here, so please join in!
--Tom (AKA tooter1)
Posted 06/19/09 11:05 PM
How do I ever start again?
Tom,
I was married for 38 years before my husband passed away 4 years ago. How do I ever find love again? The men my age (62) seem to be looking for younger women. And...then there's the SEX issue. I'm not into the "free love" movement, and would ideally like to meet someone who values me for who I am first, with commitment to follow. Any advice?
Posted 05/26/09 10:39 AM
Relationships after 50
I have been single for 8 years,,,then about a year and a half ago I veered off the path and got married to what seemed like the right man. He was 11 years my senior. Very shortly after we got married he changed, his attitude and his manner. We quickly became like roommates and he wasn't happy with any amount of financial split we did with our living expenses. I have a career and was living nicely on what I made. I Own my own home and have no debt. I have a fantastic credit score. Something seemed terribly wrong when we would go months without any physical touch and he wanted me to start dipping into what little I had for retirement to go on extravagant vacations etc. I finally moved out after a year. It was my 3rd marriage and he did have a much better income than I had plus he was mostly retired. I never said I didn't want to work or help with the household expenses. What slays me are the many men who find an independant woman attractive,,they want someone who can take care of themselves and who they don't have to take care of in any way,,,,but then as they get older they want to marry this independant, slightly younger, fit woman and then they want you to take care of THEM when they are too old to take care of themselves! How does this work? Are there any men out there who see it differently? I mean this last marriage had no sex, no intimacy and he wanted to share the finances, I felt hoodwinked. I am now living again happily on my own and have no plans to ever do marriage again,,,why would I?
Posted 06/02/09 7:12 PM
I can so relate to you. I
I can so relate to you. I just lost a friend/lover companion 6 months ago. refused to marry him because he was finacially irresponsible. We lived together for 6 years, my place, of course! Now I don't know if I have the strength to get to know another person intimately again. I know that I bring alot to the table. I have a good job, good retirement, my own place, paid for. I have been divorced 3 times too. I just don't want to get married, and that's ok...
Posted 06/01/09 7:31 PM
How did I know this was you?
How did I know this was you? :-) I started reading it and said, "Oh My Gawd, This Sounds Just Like My Sister!" And 'Tis You! Good to vent hey? Just another brick in the wall. PF
Posted 05/10/09 3:40 PM
58 and single again
i just got divorved for thwe 3rd time whew do i want to do that again?i dont think i have the energy for the game anymore and find id rather stay home with a good movie then have be be on show with some stranger in suppose to impress. is there something wrong with me ? any one else out there feel the same?
Posted 05/06/09 11:18 AM
Confused!
Too many women in Oklahoma City area are looking for that perfect match and being too picky. I know alot of guys like me who are not looking for sex, but friendship and companionship. Life is too short to look for perfection as I plan to enjoy my remaining time on this planet. Anyone like to travel and see new places in the USA!
Posted 05/02/09 7:12 AM
being a cougar
whew after reading all the posts of woman who are having trouble with the men near their age in dating situations i have some good advice! relax and go for the younger man. i find them to be ingageing and really interested in being with an older mature woman! i had hesitated to date my current boyfriend of 10 months because of our great age difference of 19 years but he asked me to give him a chance to prove himself and i did. and i am glad i did . after i bad marraige .he gave me back the fun and self esteme i had thought i lost being in a miserable marriage for 3 years/so i say to you woman out there relax and dont rule out the younger man.
Posted 06/02/09 3:27 PM
I do agree, but to an
I do agree, but to an extent. I remarried a man 14 years younger. We're divorced, but not because of the age difference, and he'd remarry me in a heartbeat.
I do suggest however that we try to stick within our decade or almost. I'm not implying that a 20 year difference won't work, but that you can have a lot more history in common.
I would love however to meet someone my age, but for the last 15 years it hasn't happened. So when I find someone to enjoy and they happen to be younger....oh well....I just enjoy!
Posted 05/10/09 9:40 PM
I agree. I didn't date for
I agree. I didn't date for 10 years caring for an elderly parent. After they passed and I was suddenly free I wasn't even sure I was attractive anymore. I was so far out of dating. The first guy I met was someone 20 years younger. I didn't know at first the age difference was that big but it didn't put him off. He thought I was sexy and gave me my self esteem back. We're not seeing each other any more but he gave me the confidence to believe that a man could actually be intersted in me, even though I'm not 20 (or 30, 40, or 50) anymore. The best medicine I could have had!
Posted 03/28/09 4:57 AM
loneliness feelings
one has to sort out why he/she is lonely first, act on options to deal w/ it and take care of his basic needs in life then decide if he/she is able to share w/ another in mutually amicable terms w/ God's guidance & blessings
Posted 02/09/09 6:07 AM
NO ENTRY.
I've been divorced 7 years and am in my early 50s. As the years pass, dating becomes more and more difficult.
WE also get more and more used to being on our own and resenting "outside" interference.
So on one hand we want to date and find a partner, but on the other hand, we don't want anyone encroaching on our territory.
Or is this problem mine alone?
Posted 02/09/09 3:13 PM
I feel the same way. I
I feel the same way. I have been single for 12 years and it seems each year dating becomes more of a chore. I like my comfortable life and my routines. I'm 50 and have several relationships but haven't met any man I wanted to marry and allow to encroach on my "territory."
Posted 03/10/09 7:19 PM
I am in the same boat. I
I am in the same boat. I meet men, but don't hear from them after the first date. Or, on the first date, they ask me when are we going to have eex. LOL! Never, you dolt!
I am comfortable with my life. I would, however enjoy a relationshiop with a good-hearted man, But where are they?
Is this too hard? Or does everyone else have the same experience? Where are the men who want a close long-lasting relationship? If anyone has the answer, I am listening.
Posted 04/15/09 10:46 PM
I have the same experience.
I have the same experience. I am very fit dancer, have a lot to offer intelligent. I have tried on line, no luck, forget bars, no luck. I get asked out a lot, but guess what? They all want to bed down the first date or the third. So I think they are he players. I find the men I date are still into the past life. They just want to mess around. I think Viagra has not been our friend!!!!!
It is worse than teenagers. I don't play all the games well. I am up front and honest and from all my readings we are suppose to be smart and play hard to get and games. I don't have the mental energy for it. I think I am to the point of just saying I have a good dog. It's a good guestion and even the men I have dated that profess to be Christain...whew.. it is all about the last few notches on the belt.
So I wonder if any really do want a relationship, or to grow old together, I hear that line a lot. Or do you hear the one if we have s..x we will be closer. That is the first date line I hear from a lot of men in there fiftys. Maybe it is the viagra.
The whole thing is a turn off for me. So I ahve the same experience. Sad really as I hope there were nice guys who were intelligent enough to figure out that hey, this is your last change to really have someone to grow old with and how wonderful that could be... beats me.
Posted 06/01/09 4:36 PM
I am divorced...63 and am
I am divorced...63 and am seeing a nice gentleman but he is 11 years older than I am and is diabetic and has bought propertty 1100 miles away. He is kind, gentle, needs viagra to do anything, professes his love to me and helps me out around the place. But I do not intend to move and am worried about the age difference and his diabetis and the fact he does not eat correctly. It is the first time Ih ave had such kindness and have felt anything sexually.
Posted 04/15/09 10:46 PM
I have the same experience.
I have the same experience. I am very fit dancer, have a lot to offer intelligent. I have tried on line, no luck, forget bars, no luck. I get asked out a lot, but guess what? They all want to bed down the first date or the third. So I think they are he players. I find the men I date are still into the past life. They just want to mess around. I think Viagra has not been our friend!!!!!
It is worse than teenagers. I don't play all the games well. I am up front and honest and from all my readings we are suppose to be smart and play hard to get and games. I don't have the mental energy for it. I think I am to the point of just saying I have a good dog. It's a good guestion and even the men I have dated that profess to be Christain...whew.. it is all about the last few notches on the belt.
So I wonder if any really do want a relationship, or to grow old together, I hear that line a lot. Or do you hear the one if we have s..x we will be closer. That is the first date line I hear from a lot of men in there fiftys. Maybe it is the viagra.
The whole thing is a turn off for me. So I ahve the same experience. Sad really as I hope there were nice guys who were intelligent enough to figure out that hey, this is your last change to really have someone to grow old with and how wonderful that could be... beats me.
Posted 04/15/09 10:45 PM
I have the same experience.
I have the same experience. I am very fit dancer, have a lot to offer intelligent. I have tried on line, no luck, forget bars, no luck. I get asked out a lot, but guess what? They all want to bed down the first date or the third. So I think they are he players. I find the men I date are still into the past life. They just want to mess around. I think Viagra has not been our friend!!!!!
It is worse than teenagers. I don't play all the games well. I am up front and honest and from all my readings we are suppose to be smart and play hard to get and games. I don't have the mental energy for it. I think I am to the point of just saying I have a good dog. It's a good guestion and even the men I have dated that profess to be Christain...whew.. it is all about the last few notches on the belt.
So I wonder if any really do want a relationship, or to grow old together, I hear that line a lot. Or do you hear the one if we have s..x we will be closer. That is the first date line I hear from a lot of men in there fiftys. Maybe it is the viagra.
The whole thing is a turn off for me. So I ahve the same experience. Sad really as I hope there were nice guys who were intelligent enough to figure out that hey, this is your last change to really have someone to grow old with and how wonderful that could be... beats me.
Posted 04/06/09 5:40 PM
I think most women over the
I think most women over the age of 50 are having the same experience with dating. I was actively dating up until about 4 years ago. Most men I was meeting were just not interesting enough or if they were, it was all about a sexual relationship. More times than not, they wanted it before they even got to know ME. I finally just decided that my life is very full and interesting without having to have a shallow man in my life. I travel when I want, spend money when I want, have social opportunities when I want, etc. I'm not lonely and the only male thing I miss is good conversation!!
Posted 01/28/09 9:42 AM
Hello,
Hello,
I go thru your profile and i found it lovely and interesting as well,i want you to also go thru mine and if you are interested do get back to me thru my email sanyadloveucares at yahoo dot com Hope to read from you soonest.
Thanks
Sanya....
Posted 01/28/09 9:29 AM
Hello,
Hello,
I go thru your profile and i found it lovely and interesting as well,i want you to also go thru mine and if you are interested do get back to me thru my email sanyadloveucares at yahoo dot com Hope to read from you soonest.
Thanks
Sanya.....
Posted 01/28/09 9:10 AM
Hello,
Hello,
I go thru your profile and i found it lovely and interesting as well,i want you to also go thru mine and if you are interested do get back to me thru my email sanyadloveucares at yahoo dot com Hope to read from you soonest.
Thanks
Sanya.....
Posted 01/25/09 9:38 PM
Dumped after 28 years
My husband dumped me for a younger woman after 28 years of marriage. How cliche! I can't believe it. I feel so lost, lonely, deceived and betrayed. I met a man last week and right after our dinner, we went straight to bed for lustful, primitive sex. It felt so good to be touched, to snuggle, to sleep with someone, again. I am not fooled by this, though. There is no love, no expectation. I am too wounded by my husband. Will it ever be safe to love, again?
Posted 06/01/09 7:42 PM
I believe that there is
I believe that there is love all around us...love to give, love to get, love to share, love for nature and for animals. Why focus on one man, when there are lonely elderly men and women who need hugs and smiles, children who need love, patients alone in hospitals, who would love a visitor. Why limit ourselves and agonize over one single human being? Let some joy back in despite what you've been through. Just breathe and smile. Bliss 1249
Posted 06/05/09 5:28 PM
Hello, bliss1249. I love
Hello, bliss1249. I love your post! I think that when we are over 50 we should have experienced enough in life to realize the fact that love is like you said "all around us". We have to open ourselves up to all experiences and be willing to give to others rather than waiting for others to give to us. If I waited for a man all my life before declaring my love, I'd be 62, single, and very very depressed. Instead, I'm married to a sometimes very sweet and caring younger man and I am very capable of supporting us both, although he does contribute nicely to our finances. We have a lot to share besides sex. We enjoy experiencing the joys of life together. We also have 2 dogs who are the loves our lives. We are happy sometimes and sometimes we can make each other mad but we eventually get over our differences. Life is good at 62.
Posted 01/06/09 12:15 PM
When Music Dies
This is all very interesting to me with 25 year of post 50's dating including a brief marriage during that time.
Everything was easy for the first 20 plus years but during the last couple of years my once strong sex drive has diminished and I can relate to Zirconian's experience causing me to be more interested in companionship and intamacy than a physical relationship. Of course I keep hoping to find a miracle cure, or someone who can change that but am coming to accept this normal. However it impacts my motivation to find, or follow through with prospective companions.
So ladies don't be discourage we-men do eventually "get it"
Posted 01/05/09 5:36 PM
I agree FRUSTRATION....
....but only from a female perspective.
It's like going out with alligators, geeze. Get to know someone first.
Posted 04/07/09 12:01 AM
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. Men that I have recently encountered only want one thing. I'm sorry, get to know me first.
Posted 11/10/08 4:15 PM
FRUSTRATION
sINCE i LOST MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, i HAVE NEVER MET SO MAY CRAZY, DERANGED, COO COO BIRD, OFF THE WALL WOMEN IN ALL MY LIFE. i COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES. aLL TRUE.
Posted 09/22/08 7:05 PM
Male 67 weighing on on this "discussion"
Okay, I am just turning 67, and read maybe 1/3rd of the comments and have some things to share. I was married when I was in my 20's, it lasted 2 years. A little wary after that, I lived with a girl for 2 years, we got on great but decided to break up from living together; I am friends with her still but platonic ever since breakup. Then I even lived with a guy for two years, and we broke up...I was never more than 30% "that way" I guess, but I know a lot more about myself and others as a result. Then wonder of wonders, my sex drive (which had been "too strong" when I was young) became greatly lessened. Intimacy was what I wanted 75% of the time...no 90% of the time...climaxing wasn't so important anymore. I decided after studying the common drugs that give you an erection, that they were "very un-natural" even though we get bombarded with those crazy commercials. Now I just like intimacy, and believe in living together if you both get along and have a mix of things you like to do together, and some independence too. Any comments on THAT?????
Posted 01/28/09 8:51 AM
Hello, I go thru your
Hello,
I go thru your profile and i found it lovely and interesting as well,i want you to also go thru mine and if you are interested do get back to me thru my email sanyadloveucares at yahoo dot com Hope to read from you soonest.
Thanks
Sanya.....
Posted 11/29/08 10:24 AM
Sounds like you have a great
Sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders what part of the world do you live in. I did not know that there were men out there like you.
Posted 10/19/08 7:54 PM
Yes, I have a
Yes, I have a comment! Where on earth have you been hiding?
Posted 09/15/08 9:28 PM
All is Well,
Well, all is not well. I have been involved in a church, and having been a little promiscuious a few years back , i have been a very good girl. Well, i was at church and got involved in the Media there and I guess that lets you in on a whole underworld (hehe) , because i was being played with by some of the married couples there. I sappose it brightens there sex life.
Well, it hurt my feelings and i am moving from this town. It was the finel straw. I had went there for the friendships and the kindness that i needed without the come on, after having a bad relationship a few years ago. Well, they knew what i had went thru and that I had dated someone that i really did'nt want to , and they knew. So when the man that ran the media dept. at church, started giving me the eye, i said wow, and only my second day at practice, and then i thought that my daughter had told me that the man was married, Well, he is, i called her and made sure. I had tryed to ignore what was happining. Good thing, and then i was shunned when i did'nt play along.
I am stunned and hurt, they know i am a big weirdo right now at this stage because of the fiasco i just went thru. Well, maybe they'll think twice before involving someone single to flirt and spice up there relationship. I just could'nt. I will move to the Bay Area (sf) shortly and just be cool , and relax , no quick fixes for me, but i might meet the right man anyway. I have'nt even been dating. Wish me luck. Throw in a prayer , or what ever you all do.
Posted 09/15/08 11:33 AM
Some Support
Hello All,
I've been reading some of the post and had to join in...I need some support even if on-line (smile).
Just coming out of a marriage of 15yrs. Thought I was ready to date. But it has just been was made painfully clear that I'm not ready.( After being wined and dined, roses and all, by a man who I THOUGHT was enjoying my company for the past two months. He has just stopped calling,) As much as I want to say it doesn't sting. It does!! I'm way too old, (51),for this! I realize I may have said one too many comments about my EX issues, and more importantly, I allowed myself to make love with him. I say allow because I can't say he took advantage of me or pressured me. I fully consented. Heck, I had not been love to made to in YEARS by my ex. I know was vulnerable and wanting...not a good combination. Checkpoint: If I'm wanting, waiting and sad about him not calling, I'm too dependent on his for my emotional "feel good," as I was with my ex. Also, I don't need this type of experience when it's just put on top of my real issue...getting over my ex. I only took the step of dating to move forward. But this just pushes me back. I didn't need this blow to my self esteem. I'm reading books, the Bible, praying trying & to stay busy, to move forward. No need to condemn me for sleeping with him so soon (it was after full 2 months, not the first night) I'm trying to not beat up myself up about that.
I could use some support. Thanks
Posted 03/19/09 6:19 PM
Sounds to me like you are
Sounds to me like you are finally 'getting' it! Great! Took me 50+ years to 'get' it. When I do things that are actually good for me according to God's plan I do not suffer. That is key to knowing if I am traveling along the right path in life.
To me the Bible is God's Holy Word and in it is contained plain truth about how to live a happy, fulfilling life. Men are not an answer to happiness; as you have recently again discovered.
Only God has filled that deep inner void in my heart of hearts. God first; all else will come to me. Experiencing God compared to only knowing of Him are 2 different things...two completely different experiences.
I can feel that God loves me; that He will never leave me; that He will never be unkind to me and that He most definitely provides! It has been quite an incredible experience finding out where true happiness lies. Thank God I now 'get' it!
Having sex with dates is one sure way to make a person feel miserable because it does not satisfy the inner void I need filled with true lasting, pure love. ONLY God has done so in my soul. God first. Flowers, being wined and dined...and?
It's like standing in front of a tree asking it to me balloons. Trees don't give balloons. Neither does looking at men for what I need. So how long am I going to stand in front of a tree and keep asking them for balloons? Men are wonderful, but I know they are not God with God's power and God's lasting love. God first; all else will come.
Posted 11/30/08 9:31 AM
Stop beating yourself up. He
Stop beating yourself up. He obviously did you a favor by disappearing! You deserve much better, and God has a better plan for you~
Posted 11/29/08 10:35 AM
Please do not tear your self
Please do not tear your self up over this... We have all been there and done this are I know that I have...
One day you will meet the right person
Posted 09/15/08 8:01 PM
Hey I can empathize, I am 3
Hey I can empathize, I am 3 yrs out of an 18 yr marriage and am struggling with the when to or not to do things questions. It's tough, I've met someone I really feel a connection with, he's made it clear he's seeing a few people, (which I appreciate) and granted I've only seen him a total of 5 times, but I am so attracted to him, and am wondering if the lack in my marriage makes me more sexually attracted and responsive to him. I know that I need to wait but it's a struggle. The feeling that things have cooled after you have been intimate is really hard to deal with but I think that if you try and look at it as a learning experience (no fun I know) and try and hold off a bit next time, because it sounds like this relationship has peaked maybe??? I'm sorry but you feel it too. After a few days of licking your wounds, you should move on and be stronger for it. Was I too blunt? I hope not, we're in the same boat.
Posted 09/05/08 7:13 PM
Dating after 50
When I was getting divorced at the age of 52 14 years ago I was worried about finding a good woman who would have me. A very dear woman friend told me not to worry, I would never runout of women. She was right! When it is over with one another turns up, so not to worry all you over 50 daters out there.
Posted 01/28/09 9:25 AM
Hello, I go thru your
Hello,
I go thru your profile and i found it lovely and interesting as
well,i want you to also go thru mine and if you are interested do get
back to me thru my email sanyadloveucares at yahoo dot com Hope to read
from you soonest.
Thanks
Sanya.....
Posted 09/15/08 8:00 PM
But you are a man! it is
But you are a man! it is different for a woman
Posted 09/10/08 11:50 PM
Most of these women that
Most of these women that turn up are hoping for a serious relationship, a partner, someone they can trust and depend on and not someone who collects trophies. I have only met men who think this way. One asked me to quit my job to travel with him. And he thought I was one of these women who hates to work and I would jump to the opportunity. Well, he was wrong. Not only do I like my job, I found it very insulting from him to put myself in such jeopardy. I feel, the only good time to travel with someone is, when you have a solid relationship with that person and the only time I would quit my job is, if that man would offer me financial security. I also don't believe in sex unless it is in a commited relationship. People used to think this way. Women don't seem to have expectancies any more, or are men not willing to commit a second time?
Posted 09/06/08 3:11 PM
Notard, I had about the same
Notard, I had about the same experience but didn't find it as enjoyable as you seem to have. I divorced at 50 and found the women plentiful. For the first couple years I didn't want anything serious and had lots of casual flings. Eventually though I found that lifestyle to be empty, unfulfilling. For about 5 or 6 years now I've been hoping to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. My experience here is that it's a lot harder to find a life partner than to fine someone for a roll in the hay. The past two or three years failing health has made my search even harder. About four women during this time entered into serious relationships with me only to cut and run when the seriousness of my illness sank in to them. I told them about it from the beginning but evidently it wasn't real to them until they spent a lot of time with me and saw for themselves how sick I was. Anyway I stopped dating for about 6 months there because I was in the terminal stages of Pulmonary Fibrosis. That was reversed by a lung transplant and I'm back on the road to good health. Now three of those X girlfriends have hinted that they would like to be with me again but I don't want one who will cut and run if things get rough again. I want someone I can count on to be there through the bad times as she will be able to count on me through the bad times as well as the good.
Posted 11/19/08 9:55 AM
I'm in the same boat, ie the
I'm in the same boat, ie the serious illness part. My problem lies in that when they removed my tumor I had to have my digetive system "re-arranged". This has proven to be the BIGGEST turnoff for some men- to the point of cruelty. So what do I do? I won't lie, but how long would you continue searching for someone special? I'm not giving up yet, but the next man who tells me he finds my "predicament" disgusting, well they may find themselves face to face with the contents of my "predicament"!
Posted 09/03/08 12:47 AM
Liveinit
Don't give up hope! The Good Lord provides. Even in my wildest dream could I have ever imagined that He would send me a wonderful man. I married him when I was 61 years of age. It was his third (to me) and my second after my divorce. So don't give up hope yet. Trust HIM! When the time comes, your special will be there.
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Sorry I was not finished.. LOL.. I am a widow of 4 plus years and retired for over 3 yrs . I am seeking a place to chat with friends, Female and Male that love to cut up and tease and enjoy fellowship.If anyone knows of a place like this notify me please @dunbrok@swbell.net..
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Sorry I was not finished.. LOL.. I am a widow of 4 plus years and retired for over 3 yrs . I am seeking a place to chat with friends, Female and Male that love to cut up and tease and enjoy fellowship.If anyone knows of a place like this notify me please @dunbrok@swbell.net..
Posted 08/27/08 7:33 PM
Texas Gal
Sorry I was not finished.. LOL.. I am a widow of 4 plus years and retired for over 3 yrs . I am seeking a place to chat with friends, Female and Male that love to cut up and tease and enjoy fellowship.If anyone knows of a place like this notify me please @dunbrok@swbell.net..
Posted 08/27/08 7:30 PM
Texas Gal
Sorry I was not finished.. LOL.. I am a widow of 4 plus years and retired for over 3 yrs . I am seeking a place to chat with friends, Female and Male that love to cut up and tease and enjoy fellowship.If anyone knows of a place like this notify me please @dunbrok@swbell.net..
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