Do Ultimatums Really Work?

Bonnie Anchors recalls a painful lesson well learned from a past relationship: She can't change someone, no matter how hard she tries.

The Natrona resident says she fell hard for a charming man, although he later shattered her heart. Anchors says she gave her partner several ultimatums about fidelity and substance abuse, and although he sometimes briefly heeded them, she says he soon would go back to his old ways. Again and again, Anchors took him back, until she finally broke up with him permanently, after eight years together.

"It becomes a codependency," says Anchors, 51. "You think you can fix somebody, and they're going to change for you, but they won't.

"He told me he would never change," she says. "He wasn't the person that changed; I was."

Ah, the ultimatum -- a dirty word for many people. Nobody likes to receive one, and people who give ultimatums to others often feel desperate, experts say. A classic example is the woman who gives her boyfriend an ultimatum about committing to and marrying her within a certain time frame. Or, it might be a friend or family member who warns the out-of-control alcoholic to get help and stop drinking, or the relationship is over. Ultimatums also can come into play regarding small issues, like when a parent tells her daughter to clean her room, or she'll be grounded for a day.

But, is the hard-line "this or that" approach necessary to get someone to shape up and change their behavior? Do strict ultimatums -- "Do this or I'm out of here" -- work, or do they backfire?

"It all depends on whether you're trying to change someone for their own good, or whether you're trying to get them to do something for your good," says Paul Friday, the chief of clinical psychology at UPMC Shadyside.

"Neither work," he says. "That's the thing they have in common."

Ultimatums create resentment with the receiver, Friday says, and can unconsciously motivate him or her to continue the behavior. Even if an ultimatum does work -- for instance, a guy finally marries his girlfriend -- it has lingering effects on the relationship, Friday says. The husband might not really have wanted to get married, and felt forced into it.

"Change is the toughest thing you can do," Friday says. "You can't change other people."

Ultimatums, which are thought of as negative, should not be confused with setting firm boundaries, which are positive, experts say; surely, no one should stay in a dead-end or harmful relationship, and tolerate bad behavior. Yet the line between boundaries and ultimatums can be a fine one.