Yep, this is another letter you can probably stick in your "softy" file. Occasionally, I have a problem with impotence. Not totally soft, but it doesn't stay hard long enough to complete intercourse so we usually resort to mutual masturbation, which isn't ALL bad--definitely better than nothing! Is there any medication available to help with this situation other than resorting to a Popsicle stick and duct tape OR an air compressor to blow the damned thing up? ..LOL Thanks for your time, and I will await your reply.
Suzi Says:
Yes, there are lots of medications. The newest one is called Viagra, and your Doctor can prescribe it. There will be many more on the market in the next year or so, too. You can also improve your erection by exercising regularly and becoming healthier and in better shape. Your blood pressure and circulation has a lot to do with your erection, so exercise really helps.
Won't Come Inside Me
My guy can make love to me for hours, and I reach orgasm several times, but he never ejaculates inside me. I've never experienced such a situation, and I feel that I'm not doing my part to please him. I feel frustrated when I'm exhausted, and he just quits. We have great oral sex, and he doesn't hesitate to ejaculate in my mouth. We've talked, but there's been no resolution as far as I'm concerned. He says he gets pleasure from pleasing me. I'd like your opinion.
Suzi Says:
It is not uncommon for men to become intercourse machines who don't involve their feelings in sexual activity. They see tons of porno that makes getting a blow job the ultimate ego boost and power trip.
Job Stresses Sex Life
I am over 50. I have a very stressful job that is becoming a major interference with my sex life. As a matter of fact, my wife and I haven't had sex in several months. I also suffer from impotence. Is there any help for me?
Suzi Says:
You're off to a good start because you know the cause of the problems with your sex life. Your job must be very important to your self worth. The level of stress tells me you believe you need whatever it offers. Yes, there is help for you as long as you are ready to take the difficult and scary steps it will take to fix the problem.
Stress is fear! What are you afraid of at work? If it is a really negative environment that you can't change, move on. But a really good job doesn't take away from your primary love relationships. My husband David's sex drive lessened for a while, too, when he took on a very stress-filled job. We talked about his fear and worked together to help him feel more secure. Now, he laughs more about what happens at work. And, I do, too.
Replaced by Younger Boyfriend
I am a 61-year-old male with an erection problem. I did not have sex for about four years until I met a 47-year old lady, Nancy, who became the center of my life for four months. When we first slept together, I had a problem, but her response was perfect. "Not to worry, just hold me," she said, and the next morning, we got our reward. Although I was sometimes slow getting hard, we had satisfactory sex. By that, I mean usually 15-30 minutes of active sex plus plenty of foreplay and hugging in the afterglow. Also, my response time was improving as time went on. Then, an old and younger boyfriend reappeared and she asked me to release her. I did while telling her I still loved her. Now, Nancy is always on my mind, and I have a fairly long list of failures. Is it my mind or penis that is dysfunctional? Nancy was very athletic and seemed to have total control of her vaginal muscles. I am slim, run two miles a day and have no negative medical history. My worst vice is several cups of coffee a day.
Suzi Says:
There is nothing wrong with your mind or your penis. But I do think your self-confidence is bruised and was even before your experience with Nancy. I think counseling might give you some insight into your mind, heart and penis connection. You have already started the process. Keep searching. Dig into that self-worth closet and throw out any thinking that doesn't help you feel worthy. Examine all your attitudes about sexuality, love, and personal self worth. Trust me, we all have to do it, and it's never too late. Let me know what you discover.
Golden Anniversary
As an oldster with an erectile problem, what are my options? I'm in relatively good health, and I'm not on medication of any sort, although I do take vitamins, including "E" which doesn't seem to help with my erections. My wife and I have had a fantastic sex life, and want to continue. I'm 75, and we'll be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in June. Is oral sex our only solution? We enjoy it, but a little coital sex would be desirable.
Suzi Says:
You have several options. First, you need to go to several urologists and have them explain all the options in detail. Many men have never gone to a urologist and don't know how much they can teach you about your penis and sexuality. Go to several so that you can find one you like and feel is sensitive to your needs. Have your wife come too! When David went to have his sperm count checked, I went, too! He comes with me to my gynecologist. Make an appointment today!
Medications Interfere
I am a asthmatic with diabetes. Many of the medications I take have a bad effect on my sex drive. It has affected my enjoyment the most, but I also feel I do not give my wife as much pleasure as she would like. She has not said anything directly about it, but I know that she really enjoys having sex. I have trouble starting a conversation about this type of thing. But I fear that at some point it will cause problems. Is there any way of over coming the effects of the medication?
Suzi Says:
Those conversations are very important to building love and a good sexual relationship, and they will become easier each time you have them. The most important thing we can do in a marriage is create an atmosphere where both partners can be 100 percent truthful.
The medication probably is interfering with your sex drive. Talk with your doctor. S/he may be able to lower the dosage or change it to a medication with fewer side affects.
You also need to get healthier through exercise in order to help your body heal and increase your sex drive. Read any books by Bernie Siegel, Dr. Andrew Weil, and others who encourage their patients to take responsibility for their health. You can help yourself and your sex life by talking honestly with your wife and doctor about your desires to be sexual and more healthy. Go for it! Start an exercise program today, change your diet and make an appointment to see your doctor.
Coming on Empty!
My partner and I would like to know if it's possible for the man to have an orgasm without actual ejaculation. Sometimes she and I will make love two or three times during the day/night, and although we may be interested in doing it one more time, since I
don't feel I have anything left, we don't try.
Suzi Says:
You can empty your prostate by having a lot of orgasms in a short period of time, but the good news is it will always fill back up. Yes, you can have an orgasm when there is little or no semen available. Some men may notice an aching as a result of this much sexual activity, but it won't damage the prostate. My husband Dave says that after two orgasms, his prostate is "ringing."
Selling Oral Sex
I am a 74-year-old male who is married for the third time. I divorced my first wife, and the second one passed on at age 39. Both of them fully enjoyed having me give them oral sex, and I enjoyed it, too. This wife, whom I have had for 28 years, allows oral sex only when I get really insistent, and then only for a short time. I do not ask her to do it to me, but my first two wives also enjoyed giving it, and I really miss it. I do have an erection problem of sorts because of medications, but I do like to make certain she is satisfied. What can I do to improve the situation?
Suzi Says:
There are many women who never really get used to having someone's face in their crotch or putting a penis in their mouths. It's unfortunate that we don't encourage women to like their own genitals and odors so that they can feel comfortable receiving oral sex. Most women also need to get used to a man's genitals slowly. If they explored a man's genitals, learning to just kiss and rub them before putting them in their mouth, they would learn to like giving oral sex, too.
Ask your wife why she doesn't like oral sex. Ask her to put great smelling and tasting creams and foods on you--just for a hoot! Don't make oral sex a "have to." Instead, make it a fun and funny activity. Don't push--it will only make her back off more. Find out why she doesn't like oral sex and then work together to make it more pleasant for both of you. My husband likes to give it to me more than I like or need to receive it. I tell him we'll compromise. Now I like it more than I did, and he has backed off a little, so we're in the right range together. Focus on what you both like and do well for each other.
Climax Wherever
I am 70 years old and my wife is 55. We have been married for just about a year. I am taking medication for high blood pressure and also, before we got married my sex life had been at a standstill for quite a few years. I did masturbate regularly but I do have trouble coming to a climax while inside my wife. Any suggestions?
Suzi Says:
First let's get that blood pressure down with better nutrition, more exercise, and whatever else will work. You can heal your blood pressure if you work with your doctor and really make some life changes.
It's ok not to be able to climax while inside your wife. It's not mandatory for great intercourse. I don't orgasm from intercourse either. I rub my clitoris while Dave is inside me, and that works great. Enjoy intercourse for stimulation, and then pull out and either have your wife masturbate you or you masturbate yourself while she kisses you.
There are no rules for intercourse, except make it work for both of you and be creative. I don't care if David comes in me or on me or around me as long as I'm there to enjoy his satisfaction and know I gave him some help. He feels the same way. Adjusting to aging means changing our attitudes about sex as well as how we have it.
Saving the Soldier
I am 65 years old and have been impotent since I was 60. My wife doesn't complain, she says there are other ways to attain sexual gratification, and I agree. I can bring her to an intense orgasm by performing oral sex. I satisfy myself through masturbation. My problem is that I feel very inadequate, She is six years younger than I and still has a strong sex drive. I love her dearly and want to satisfy her in every way, but when the old soldier don't come to attention anymore, it makes things kind of rough. I have heard there may be medical help coming, It can't be too soon for me.
Suzi Says:
First, we need to find the source of your impotence. Go to a urologist and have a complete workup before you think about medical options. How healthy are you? How much do you drink? How stressed are you? What's your blood pressure? Do you exercise regularly and are you overweight? What do you eat? All these things can contribute to not being able to hold an erection for intercourse.
Also, your emotions have much to do with impotence. You've lived with it for five years, and you said it makes you feel very inadequate. That alone can keep the old soldier down. Go to the doctor right away and get some answers. You will have to put some time and effort into getting your erection back. If it's important, fight for it by getting into the best physical and emotional health you can.
Desperate About Erection
I have just turned 53 years old, and frankly, I desire sex as much now as I ever did, maybe more. However, my erections these days leave a lot to be desired, and it is just tearing me up. I have an annual vacation coming up soon with a longtime love, and the thought of my failure at that time is more than I can stand. I am actually considering canceling the trip.
Suzi Says:
Go get a complete--I mean very complete--physical. Tell the doctor everything! Make sure you see a urologist as part of the exam because a urologist can diagnose and prescribe treatment for any physical problems you've got having an erection. Know that you have a lot of fear around performing! And that can create a vicious circle. You are not your erection! You are a total being capable of being a sexual person with and without your erection.
Start working out regularly--at least four times a week. Eat healthy and drink only a few glasses of wine a week. Masturbate slowly, using your imagination, not pictures, and use this time to make love to yourself, not just beat off. Use oil, candles and relax!!!
I know this is scary, but you need to reduce your fears so that your self-confidence can increase. Let me know how you're doing and don't cancel the trip. Talk to this love about all your feelings, including your fears around your erection. If she is a love, she'll understand, and this will help ease the pressure.
Get a New Doctor!
I am a 66-year-old man who is very active. I have been married for 42 years and my wife is in good health, also.
My question pertains to impotence. I get very excited in bed but cannot maintain any erection. I am frustrated as is my wife. It's not as if I don't want to. It's just that I can't seem to complete the job (I DO have adult onset diabetes treated without medication, diet only). My physician tells me "Hey, you're getting older. Live with it!"
Is that the answer?
Suzi Says:
Ask your doctor if he would just live with it and not try some remedies! See a new doctor. There are several medications that may help, including some new oral medications that are still in clinical trials, but which may be available next year. Get into a vigorous fitness regime. That will help your circulation. Also, know that you can have an orgasm without a hard erection. Have your wife use her hands and you use your hands on and in her! If David ever loses his ability to have an erection, I'm not concerned. He has the best hands! I know that we are prepared for any changes because he has also experienced an orgasm with out an erection. Go talk with a new doctor first. One who wants to help!
Diabetic problem
Suzi, what happens if you have diabetes and cannot maintain an erection
because of circulation problems, which I have?
Suzi Says:
First, talk with your doctor about Viagra. There are other erection
helping devices too. You don't need to have an erection to have an orgasm.
My husband is 50 and has been under some stress lately. He couldn't maintain an
erection the other night, but he still had an orgasm. Also, you can still
give a great orgasm to your partner through your hands. I'd be much more upset
if Dave lost his hands instead of his penis! Talk to a specialist and see
if you like any of the options.
Relax and use your hands
I am 50 and my penis doesn't always get rock hard and secrete
lubricant anymore. What can I do to help it along? The doctor says I am
in good health, but offers no solution to my so-called "problem."
Suzi Says:
My husband is 50 and his penis isn't rock hard all the time either. But we
still have great intercourse. Remember, women don't need vaginal
stimulation from a rock-hard penis to have an orgasm. We need great fingers,
hands, and a mouth stimulating our clitoris. So, don't mourn the loss of
hardness, celebrate your hands as the best lovemakers. You can still have a
great orgasm without an erection. Stay healthy, exercise, don't drink a lot,
don't smoke, and lower all stress. That will help keep your erection harder longer.
The more you worry about it, the worse it can get. Erection stress can cause
erection failure. Relax and get into the gym!
Erection fades away
I'm interested in sex with my partner, and I'm able to start out with a good erection,
but it always diminishes either after I enter or sometimes even before. How come?
Suzi Says:
There is probably a combination of things: stress, being overtired, and not being in the best of health and fitness. An erection is connected to your emotions; it's not all plumbing (sorry for the pun). If your sexual ego is based on your erection, you're going to get worried when it doesn't perform the way you want it to. Don't worry so much about it. Re-learn how to give and receive sexual pleasure and satisfaction without concentrating on just your penis and erection. Get more fit, lay off all alcohol, smoking, and fatty foods. Your erection will be as healthy as you are emotionally and physically. Get a physical, so you rule out any big problems. My husband was taking St. John's Wort and he says it hurt his erection ability, so he stopped taking it and he's back to his old decent erection. He's hard enough for me and besides, he has the best hands!!!
How do you judge a man?
I'm dating a man who's 59. Recently, we began to sleep together, but his
erection isn't very hard most of the time. I didn't expect this problem
because his penis was very hard under his pants when we were still just
making out. In bed, it comes and goes, and I get kind of anxious. I don't
look forward to sleeping with him anymore, although he is great company on
a date.
Suzi Says:
I feel bad that you've decided to judge the value of a man by the
hardness of his erection. Haven't we as women felt the pain and humiliation
of being judged by the size of our breasts?
You are using this man as a sex object and he probably senses your
judgment. That kind of pressure and stress will soften even a 29-year-old
penis. Most men have learned to judge their sexual value and masculinity by
the size and hardness of their erection, not by "the content of their
character" and their ability to build a satisfying partnership. You say
he's great company and yet you need a man of steel! David (my husband), who
just turned 50, isn't as "hard" as he used to be either but then, I don't
demand that his penis be responsible for all my satisfaction or orgasm. If
he lost his erection tomorrow, he'd still have 10 great fingers and a
wonderful mouth and, for the other 23 hours in the day, well, he's great
company!
