10 Relationship Myths and the Truth About Soul Mates

Many self-described romantics agree: "In a cynical 21st century, basic core human values like love and respect are not often articulated as something that should be incorporated into every human being's behavior," says Bernard Williams, 55, a media specialist. "We might see a lot more success in our relationships if we start with those simple basic working tools. As for me, I once had a soul mate and I hope to have another. I believe in love." Myth No. 2 Your ideal mate is someone with a personality similar to yours.Truth: While it's helpful to have a lot in common with your significant other, maintaining one's individuality is important."There are differences even in people who are similar," says Dr. Bronwen Millet, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C. "You [can] create whatever type of relationship you want by working together with your significant other. What I've seen in practice is that couples [who are] committed, willing and able to step out to do the work, have healthier relationships ... Saying that there are too many differences for the relationship to work is an easy way out." Myth No. 3 Love conquers all in a marriage and relationship.Truth: The concept that love conquers all sounds good in love songs, but you need more than love to sustain a long-term relationship or marriage.

"The truth is, love is only a starting point ... to survive it needs to be tempered by tolerance, tenacity, humor and humility," says Jeff Williams, 45, an editor in Chicago. "And those things don't always guarantee it will last."Relationship experts agree that there should be other variables in place to help nurture a healthy relationship. According to Dr. Millet, couples who share common values and maintain a high level of commitment are more successful at making their relationship work. In addition, each person in the relationship has to learn to apply coping skills. These include developing problem solving-abilities, learning how to listen and communicate effectively with regard to your mate, handling anger and stress in a positive manner, and applying patience when needed. Myth No. 4 Each person gives 50-50 in the relationship.Truth: While most of us are taught that we must give equally in a marriage, it rarely happens."Someone can give 30-70 or 60-40," says Chapman. "What matters most is the person who is giving 60 percent isn't resentful of the person who is giving 40 percent." This especially holds true in today's society, where traditional male and female roles have become debunked. Some women have assumed the role of the breadwinner, or earn just as much money (or more) than their partner. In addition, men have become more versatile in their roles regarding children and domestic responsibilities. Myth No. 5 I can change my mate over time.

Truth: What you marry is usually what you get.Too often, people embark upon a relationship or marriage with the expectation of changing their partner into the ideal person they want. "To try to change a person is a setup [for a letdown]," according to Dr. Millet. "In order to change someone, you have to rework that person, starting from their childhood." Her advice is to get to know the person you are involved with and be able to understand and accept him or her for who he or she is before you commit.Myth No.6 Getting married is a cure for promiscuity.Truth: Marriage won't ensure monogamy.Experts agree that a person who is promiscuous probably has other issues that he or she is trying to avoid and will inevitable bring into the marriage."You take you with you everywhere you go," says Dr. Millet. "Whether it is sex, drugs, whatever -- these are all distractions that have to be addressed before marriage. You can't run from yourself."Myth No. 7 After a breakup, the best way to recover is with a new relationship.Truth: Jumping into a new relationship after you have just ended one is usually a recipe for failure.Time spent solo after a relationship or marriage ends (in addition to counseling for some) is necessary to heal a broken or bruised heart. Entering into a new relationship too soon might not give you a chance to work through all of your issues. To be happy in a relationship, you must first be happy with yourself.

Myth No. 8 My true soul mate will never cheat on me.Truth: Your partner may still cheat on you, even if he or she cares about you.According to the experts, it's the quality of a relationship that will usually dictate whether or not a person cheats. People cheat because there is something missing from the relationship, or because there's something missing from the individual who is doing the cheating. Usually, the person going outside of the relationship feels the need to be confirmed by someone other than his or her spouse.Myth No. 9 You can never date your best friend's ex.Truth: It depends on the circumstances.Both Dr. Millet and Chapman say that you can date your best friend's ex, depending if the situation is right. "If you are dating your friend's ex two days after they've broken up, that's a problem," says Chapman. If, however, if you start to become interested in someone whom your friend dated while you were both in high school or college and you all are adults now, that's acceptable and also less likely to seem like a betrayal to your friend. It's also important to communicate and to set boundaries, which will determine what is acceptable going forward in the relationship, according to Dr. Millet.Myth No. 10 All men cheat ... eventually.

Truth: There are still some good men out there who don't cheat.While a larger percentage of men than women do cheat, according to relationship experts, not all have -- or will. The truth is that with the latest technology (cell phones, e-mail, Blackberrys), it is easier to cheat on your spouse. Now for the twist: The number of women cheating has increased -- as many as 40 percent of women (up from 20 percent) have had affairs. "Today, more women are cheating than did during their mothers' and grandmothers' generations," says Chapman. "And women are better at it," she adds.Whether you have already found your soul mate, or are still looking for that special individual, know that any worthwhile relationship requires a mutual commitment, as well as respect and communication. And that's the truth!Source: Ebony. Powered by Yellowbrix.