Cohabitation Test Drives Marriage

"Whether we are married or not, he was mine," Karen Glenn said. "I don't believe it takes a piece of paper down at the courthouse to say we're married."Not Uncommon AnymoreWhile 40 years ago, such arrangements raised eyebrows, today, cohabiting is nothing unusual.About two-thirds of people entering marriage today have cohabited with their partner or with someone else before marriage, said David Popenoe, professor of sociology and co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.In 1970, about 500,000 couples in the United States were living together outside of marriage, said Brad Wilcox, assistant professor of sociology at University of Virginia. In 2004, it was 5 million. "It's become the common way most people first enter into a union."Some of those relationships last a few weeks, Popenoe said. Some last many years.Several local ministers said many of the couples who ask them to perform wedding ceremonies these days are already living together.Most religious groups still preach against that and any sexual relations outside of marriage.But with these couples, said the Rev. Dale Carden, superintendent of the Owensboro District of the United Methodist Church in Owensboro, Ky., the question is how to take the reality and "administer grace."

"I had rather marry them than see them living together," said the Rev. Ferrell Isenberg, pastor at Crosspointe Baptist Church.Some pastors say they require weeks or months of premarital counseling before they will perform the ceremony.Some say they ask or at least encourage couples to separate for a period before the wedding "to bring some freshness or newness to the ceremony," as Isenberg puts it.Why try a trial marriage?Cohabiting has become more common today for several reasons, sociologists say. Couples are marrying later but are unwilling to postpone sex that long.They see unmarried celebrities in Hollywood living together.And many have witnessed the effects of divorce in their own family. They still respect marriage, but fear divorce more.Hutchinson and both of the Glenns said their parents divorced. Both the Glenns, who are supervisors at the Opportunity Center, and Weldon have experienced divorce themselves.Weldon shares custody of her 13-year-old daughter with her ex-husband. Karen Glenn has three grown children.Hutchinson has never married before, but lived with another woman for about a year. He says the experience dissuaded him from marrying at the time.If she had lived with her first husband first, said Karen Glenn, who was 16 when she married in the 1970s, they never would have tied the knot.

Cohabitation is most common among working classand poor Americans, Wilcox said. In the past, people married right outof college or high school even though they owned nothing, he said.These days, many see marriage as part of reaching a certain status inlife, a sign "you have arrived."And finally, some see living together as a trial marriage. Others do it for convenience and economics."One challenge facing couples is one partner has one objectivein mind, and the other partner has the other objective in mind," saidWilcox, who is doing research on cohabiting with the Institute forAmerican Values, a nonpartisan think tank in New York.No Antidote to DivorceThe tremendous irony is, despitepopular perception, there is no evidence cohabiting helps anyone avoiddivorce or enjoy greater satisfaction once married, Wilcox said.Research shows, in fact, those who cohabit are actually more likely to divorce, he said."The one exception to that," Popenoe said, "is people who areengaged and committed to each other." In other words, "They have a ringand a date" for the wedding when they move in together, he said.The big question is why. Is it the cohabiting that makescouples more likely to divorce? Or are these the people who would havebeen more likely to divorce to start with?

The jury's still out on that one, Wilcox and Popenoe said."Generally speaking, people who have cohabited have had moresexual partners," Wilcox said. A number of studies have shown those whohave had more sexual partners before marriage are more likely todivorce, he said. It could be they are less committed to marriage ingeneral, he theorizes."The other explanation is cohabiting gets people off on thewrong foot," Wilcox said. They go into it with the attitude they aretest-driving a relationship."None of us is perfect," he said. A "consumeristic mind-set" isgoing to make a person more likely to see his or her partner's faults,Wilcox said."We know that people who have a more sacrificial approach tomarriage" tend to divorce less and experience greater maritalsatisfaction, Wilcox said.The Rev. John Vaughan, pastor at St. Stephen Cathedral, said he thinks cohabiting cuts down on communication.Sex "can get you along for a while, but if that's all you've got, that's not going to sustain you," Vaughan said.Also, "people who (cohabit) clearly are saying you don't have tobe married to have sex," Vaughan said. "Well, if that's the mentalityyou have," even when the couple marries, the partners are more likelyto stray, he said.

Why Marry?With so many alternative lifestyles accepted thesedays, who do people marry at all? "Most Americans," Wilcox said, "stillsee marriage as a unique expression of commitment and fidelity."Some may march down the church aisle out of pressure fromfamily and friends. "And there's still a sense, particularly amongcollege-educated Americans, that kids deserve a married mother andfather," he said."Really, the only difference when you marry is the name change," Weldon said."And the tax break," Hutchinson said.He says he and Weldon want to marry, though, for "the sense of permanency, better peace of mind.""A deeper commitment," she said."I'd hate to think of marriage becoming obsolete," Karen Glenn said. "I think it's a good thing."If Jeff Glenn had never decided he was ready to marry her,however, "I would have been with him as long as he would have me," shesaid."People have to search their hearts and find the best thing for them."Source: Messenger-Inquirer. Powered by Yellowbrix.