Discussion
Relationships with Adult Children
Posted 07/23/09 8:26 AM
adult son diagnosed with depression
Our son is 22 and was diagnosed with depression about a year and a half ago. He threatened suicide, was placed into a hospital for a couple of weeks. He's now taking medications and seeing a counselor for his illness. What I see now is him thinking he has power over all of us living in the house. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and if we don't let him, he threatens either us or himself. I'm a type of person that would give my arms to both my kids if it would help them. I do things for them because I care so much and want to show them how important they are in my life. It has definitely become a problem. My son took a steak knife and cut is wrist open because I wouldn't let him put his glasses from college into my kitchen cabinets. I don't know if it's fear that's preventing us from challenging him or confronting him. I know that we can't continue to live this way. He won't listen to any of us, won't take care of his own body (hygiene), comes and goes as he pleases. I finally set him up with his own cell phone and bill and he changed banks on his own with a brand new credit card. I helped him buy a new car which he claims he will make payments to me for it. I just don't know what to do about him feeling and acting like he's the boss around here. My husband has thrown in the towel when it comes to dealing with him so I'm basically on my own to try and help him. I'm tired and so stressed out. He's not the only cause of my stress because my mother in law moved in with us a couple of years ago. My son is rude to her at times too. I can't attend his counseling sessions unless he gives his approval so I don't know how to express this to his counselor. Any suggestions?
Posted 07/23/09 7:44 PM
We have a 20 yr old will be
We have a 20 yr old will be 21 next week. Has his 3rd dui and can't get / keep a decent job. We let him live here when he got out of jail for 8 months rent free. Told him to get a job so he could pay his fines and medical bill, car insurance etc. and figured in 6 omonths he be ready to go on his own. Maybe get an apartment with a buddy. No jobs available for him till he could get his drivers liensence back. Well after 8 months he had worked about 6 weeks total. I had paid more of his fines then he did and now he had a drivers lien. again and was able to party. After 6 months we told him he had two months to get out on his own. Of course now the economy had dropped and there was no way he could find a job. Of course he wasen't working at no Mc Donold's. Two months went by he realized the last 6 weeks we were serious cause we were making plans for our life when he left. He moved out has not improved his life style. We on the other hand sleep better at night and enjoy the days more. Take away the cell phone, give him the keys to his car, and pack him that towel your husband's throwing in. Get YOUR LIVES back. Good luck God Bless.
Posted 07/23/09 11:11 AM
I am so sorry you're going
I am so sorry you're going through this with your son. Although you cannot attend his counseling sessions without his permission, there is nothing stopping you from calling or writing to his therapist to inform him/her of what is going on in your home. The therapist can't divulge information to you, but can take in what you have to say. Please realize that you are being victimized in your own home... you are being blackmailed by his threats of self-harm. Everytime you back down and give him what he wants, you are reinforcing that his threats of or actual self-mutilation are valid tools for him. If you want this to stop, you have to call his bluff. If he actually hurts himself, call 911. This is beyond your ability to deal with. It's time to get outside help.
Posted 07/22/09 8:00 PM
Stop empowering!
By continuing to pay or put up with this, is empowering the adult "children" to continue as such. I know several people that put up with unbelievable ingratitude and "use" parents as crutches and the parents don't have the "guts" to say no! It is one thing to be kind and help out responsible children when they are in a pinch, but to continue this will just keep up your suffering. Good luck, and read the responses! No more martyrdom for you!! Time for them to grow up.
Posted 07/22/09 5:02 PM
Entitled children who are chronologically adults
No one owes another person ANYTHING. Tell your spoiled sons and daughters to move out and pay their own way. That includes getting loans for school (and in some cases Pell grants) so they can be self made.
Posted 07/22/09 4:22 PM
Extremely disrespectful grown children
I was married for 25 years and it was a disaster, I finally left my wife to get out of an abusive relationship and moved in with a friend, and my son moved in with us. He has always been a great kid, but has become so mean and disrespectful it is unbelieveable. he never picks up anything of his, says he is trying to get a job, but none yet, is a senior in college, had planned to go to grad school, now not going to do that, furious because i didn't have enough money to pay tuition and he had to get student loans. Screams at me, hate my house mate, refers to him as my "queer mate" when he is most certainly not, clearly does not know how good he has it. But I am afraid for him because he has no experience in living on his own, and I of course do not want to loose my son. What do you do ? Am I supposed to live alone and continually struggle with expenses and being totally alone?
Posted 06/25/09 11:41 PM
Disrespectful Adult Child Not Paying Way
Picture This: Twenty-something son with 4-year college degree in Business and Finance - graduated two years ago. Basically good, responsible son - raised in Church, no drugs, alcohol, or trouble with the law. Lives alone rent-free in family's small, rustic "getaway" cottage. Does odd jobs to pay for food, gas, clothes, car payment, and incidentals.
We, his parents pay his college loan payments, health insurance, car insurance, cell phone bill (he's on the "Family Plan"), and cottage utilities.
According to him, we should continue to pay his college loans because it was our responsibility to provide him a college education. (I was married after my 1st year of college, worked, continued with college until I graduated, and then paid all the loans off myself - not my parents)!
Last week, he spoke to me the most disrespectfully EVER. He said that he couldn't believe that his parents were so stupid to not start a college fund for him when he was young. Yes, a college fund 20+ years ago would have been great; however, we were young, just starting out, raising a baby, and trying to make ends meet. At the time, there was no "extra money" for a college fund. I am hurt and OUTRAGED. I can not imagine calling my parents "stupid," to their faces. Afraid I would say something I would later regret, I walked away and haven't spoken to him since.
Comments, recommendations, anyone?
Posted 07/27/09 12:46 AM
So sorry to hear what you
So sorry to hear what you and your son are going through. Hope i have enough room to explain myself. Try to remember that life is all about life lessons and it sounds like your son has skipped a few. I also have three sons and one daughter. When I was growing up with what seemed like the only divorced mom on welfare in the 60's in the midwest, it was very hard. I always assumed as a child, that when I grew up things would just somehow be better. Boy, was I wrong! So in raising my children I tried to teach them that they would not always be able to butter both sides of the bread, that sometimes only one side would get butter and that sometimes there would not even be any bread! Sometimes I think we do too much for our childen, there by allowing them to skip certain life lessons. If you don't pay his student loans, they will get it from him, one of two ways, income tax return or wage garnishment. I know this from experience. Lesson learned. There are also concequinces for not paying car insurance. That one I haven't had to learn the hard way. I was too chicken I guess. As for health ins. I have raised four children without it and am still raising two. Don't get me wrong, not like I haven't tried but like you said about his college fund not getting started, we just can't affford it at this time. Getting your utilities shut off is very easy, the very hard part is getting them turned back on, himself. Lesson learned. I guess what i am tring to say is that I would have loved to give my children everything too, but probably a good thing that I have nothing to give but advice. My 26 year old is making his way very well even with no college. Started his own bussiness. My 23 year old is doing eveything on his own. He works two jobs and is planning on the police accademy, lives in his own place and drives a catelac. Altough I do remember loaning my oldest one seven dollors to buy the temp. tag for his very first car at 16 that he bought himself and paid ins. himself. He did pay me back though. They have had hard hard times too, but did live through it. As do I. A while back a young boy was asstounded to find that my 11 year old did not have cell phone. I politely told him that I did not have one so, until I get one first or she could pay for her own, she would have to go without. My friends do often comment, that my children have never spoken to me disrespectfully. You would be surprised to find what people can live without, until they find a way to get it themselves. So, motivation to want things you don't have or that everyone else has, can go a very long way! I really hope that you do not take this the wrong way, just tring to help. I know you love your child as much as i love mine. Just two different perspectives. Hang in there, I know that he will grow up someday, the question would be, when. So give him a little nuge, struggling never killed anyone, just teaches you life lessons. He may be disrespectful for a while but, like my mom always told me, You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.
Posted 07/23/09 7:53 PM
The disrespect your son
The disrespect your son showed you was, indeed, nasty and unbecoming. But, here's the thing - he had a point. When one becomes a parent, be it through careful planning or joyful accident, you automatically accept that you are responsible for bringing another human being into this world. And the second you find that out, you should be planning for it. And guess what, that planning DOES include college.
I know many parents secretly (or not so secretly) hope that their little offspring is going to grow up and become a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut. Well guess what? That requires college.
Imagine if you, as the parents, did actually put away just $100. a month starting the month your child was born. At a conservative 5% interest, you would have over $36,000 saved for your child's education by the time he/she turned 18. That would be almost enough for most state schools/universities.
But no, you ate out...took vacations...bought clothes...bought too many toys...etc. And then, when your kid does get into college, there is no money to pay for it. Sure, your child can try to get a job. And they can try to take out loans which they will end up trying to pay back for the next 20 years (many never get out from under). But really, if you took real responsibility as a parent, you could have saved for your child's education. And, you should have.
Posted 07/27/09 1:16 AM
Funny how you think of just
Funny how you think of just $100.00. This young man is probably the age his parents were when they were struggling to support him, yet they are forking out probably over 1000.00 dollors a mo. to help support him. How do you supose he would come up with just a hundred bucks extra per month to put away if he had a kid right now and had to support himself. Until you've been there, you have no idea if they ate out too much. They may have gone without luxuries that people now days would consider neccesities!
Posted 07/22/09 6:08 PM
First of all, I know what
First of all, I know what you are going through. It seems that the kids of today have absolutely no respect for adults, and they often feel that parents should do everything for them. I think not!
Growing up did you let your son get away with things, such as not doing shores at home, i.e., helping out with washing the dishes after you cooked a nice meal, did he clean his own room and bathroom? Did you (the parents) provide him with everything without expecting to be paid back? Well, I have learned the hard way, the more you do for kids, the less you receive (gratitude).
I don't know how old your 20 something is, but if he is over 21 he should be paying his way, especially if he is done with college.
My suggestion is stop paying for his bills, this will help him to face reality. He needs to learn how to live on his own, much like you did when you were growing up.
Please don't feel bad asking him to start paying for his own bills, after all he did graduate with a 4-year college degree in Business and Finance and should be looking to find a job in that field.
I know that jobs are hard to find and that the economy is bad; I don't know what state you reside, but really with his degree he should be getting a "real job", not just odd jobs.
Your son needs to face reality, thus far he is living in a world where mom and dad make things extremely simple for him and that should stop immediately, for your own sake.
Good luck to you!
Posted 07/22/09 5:17 PM
I would stop paying the
I would stop paying the cottage utilities, his health insurance, his car insurance and his cell phone bill (kick him off the plan). Those savings alone would be enough to pay his college loans. But seriously, let the bum go find a job and be responsible. Show him who's stupid.
Posted 07/22/09 4:40 PM
You are still the parent
You are still the parent (and will always be the parent) and sometimes a parent has to listen and understand..... and that is all. Of course you are hurt.... that is what he intended. But he is still your child.... and remember.... children deserve our love... ESPECIALLY when then don't deserve it! Listen to him.... understand his frustration at not having enough money.... and you can even sympathize with him since you've been there! Please don't judge his outburst personally.... and don't take it personally.... he is just being a kid! And he is your kid.... Show him you love him and that is the most important thing in the world..... not the money you could have saved for him.... It's the love and the close relationships that mean the most!!!
Hugs to you both...... I hope this helps....
Posted 07/22/09 4:24 PM
BEEN THERE,DONE THAT
BEEN THERE,DONE THAT
I have a 30 year old daughter with a 9 year old son, who has lived with me all her life. She moved out briefly 8 years ago, but returned for "just a month". She lived in my basement, never paid rent, is a drug addict, moved her boyfriend in... who has no job,stole money out of my bank account and her father's, stole from her sister, ate my food, while her father and I paid all the bills. No matter what she did, her father stood up for her. I raised my grandson while she partied, and watched as she slowly helped in the disintegration of my marriage. I had high blood pressure, and was a nervous wreck constantly with all the infighting in the house, let her disrespect me and call me words I would have NEVER spoken to my parents, and let her use my grandson as a lever against me (she would threaten to take him away and never let me see him again if she didn't get her way).
I finally remedied the situation. I left. I ran away from home. I made a plan, saved my money, bought myself a small place 1500 miles away. I left my husband, my kids, my grandson. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving till the moving van pulled up.
My husband still pays all the bills for them. He's 60 years old and has nothing, he now lives in the basement and they've taken over the main part of the home. In this economy, he's having a hard time paying the mortgage. They suck him dry. He calls me and complains about it all the time. I just chuckle and tell him to deal with the monsters he's created.
I struggle financially every month, but there's no feeling in the world like coming home to solitude and peace. My cat doesn't talk back and is always glad to see me. I've made new friends. My blood pressure is down. I can sleep at night.
I stayed in that situation for a long time because of my grandson and my love for him. Sometimes you have to let go and let God. I know I'd be dead of a stroke if I had stayed.
To all of you in this situation..... kick the bums out!! You worked hard all your life, it's time for them to make their own way. I would have NEVER asked my parents for the things kids now a days . Kids today feel a sense of entitlement. We worked things out in our lives, they will too. They need to grow up. I have never been as happy as I am now. And you know what? She's MORE than happy to let my Grandson visit whenever I want him! I'm no longer the "NANNY", I can be a grandma now!
Posted 07/22/09 4:07 PM
Maybe you shouldn't have
Maybe you shouldn't have enabled him for all these years. I meet so many parents that think it is their responsibility to babysit their adult children financially. I find it completely pathetic that today's young adults don't have more responsibility and respect for work.
You can blame this on yourself for spoiling him. Best to cut him off financially and force him to take some responsibility for his own life.
Posted 07/22/09 3:53 PM
I'm sorry but I don't
I'm sorry but I don't tolerate disrespect. It appears that you are bending over backward to help him. He need to wake up and smell the coffee. There are lots of students that don't have any help through college. Tell him to go to the nearest restaurant to a college campus to see those working to pay their way through college. As a parent, I know you are hurt by his comments. Though, it's time for him to grow up and face the reality of life. I would give him something like a 3-6 month warning that after that time period, his bills will be "his" bills! After about another 3-6 months, re-evaluate him and the situation. Same disrespect constitute same action "His bills".
Posted 07/21/09 6:40 PM
Wow, does this hit a nerve.
Wow, does this hit a nerve. I am going through something similar, although I suspect drug abuse may be involved. My daughter is a junior in college, very talented, and been a great child. She got a new boyfriend, and in the last 6 months, she has taken money out of my debit account, pawned my late mother's earrings, and not only has she been disrespectful in a way that made my jaw drop, her boyfriend told me I was a "f'n failure as a mom, and a few other choice things because I wouldn't give them gas money for his truck. My solution? I kicked her out and she is living with him and his family. If they get sick of her, she can stay with her dad. I cancelled her car insurance this morning, and her cell phone yesterday after a night of her blaming me for everything wrong in her life when I confronted her about lying to me repeatedly. I feel SO much better now. I will not spend one more dime on her and I suggest you do the same. Some things just don't need to be tolerated and disrespect is one of them.
Posted 07/22/09 4:30 PM
WELL DONE MOM!!! I ALSO
WELL DONE MOM!!! I ALSO HAVE TWO ADULT CHILDREN THAT I CALL THEM MY BOOMERANG KIDS.
BECAUSE THEY LEFT AND CAME BACK. MY DAUGHTER IS DISRESPECTFUL, RUDE AND LAZY, AND THINKS
THAT OWE HER!! THE ONLY REASON I DON'T KICK HER OUT IS BECAUSE SHE HAS
A BABY (MY FIRST GRANDSON)THE BABY HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM AND SHE HAS BIPOLAR.
I HAVE MADE HER ASK FOR GOVERNMENT HELP FOR HER AND THE BABY. I STILL PAY HER RENT AND
BILLS. BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE I AM LETTING GO. I JUST HOPE I COULD DO WHAT YOU DID!! GOOD
JOB MOM!!!
Posted 03/06/09 11:49 AM
Jobless Married Adult Children
Did I mention that the money was an inheritance that they received and lived comfortably for almost a year.
Posted 03/06/09 11:47 AM
Jobless married Adult Children
My daughter (26) and her husband (28) finally got married last August and do not know how to budget or spend wisely over the last 3 years. They do not have any children. They are both fairly healthy. The husband has had several jobs in the past and my daughter worked full time. Once the money was given to them she quit her job and both of them haven't worked since. Now they are penniless again and once again (*sigh*) have asked for financial help. Both of them said to me yesterday that "Mothers are supposed to help out their children", "that's what family does when they have money". Apparently they are going to be paying this month's rent today ($575.00). Their ambition for looking for work is next to nothing. So, in the last 3 weeks I have given them $3,600.00. The husband said they would sell everything they have and move in with his mother which is a 6 hour car drive from here. (he hasn't asked his mother yet and she said she could not help him out financially.) Apparently, he has a $750.00 course he is going to in 10 days time and that's why he can't look for work. The thing is I am not working and I do have an egg nest but I'm not getting enough money monthly to replace the money I'm spending. They both said they would help me out if the roles were reversed. I'm 62 years old and live alone and own my home. I'm very uptight about this situation. I know they will never look for work if I keep helping them with rent, etc.(why would they?) How do I say no and stick to it and not feel quilty? My question is: What exact words would I say to them without being rude or mean?
Posted 07/27/09 1:26 AM
You can it explain things to
You can it explain things to them any way you see fit. Explain to them that it is rude of them to ask. As for the guilt, remember that guilt is not an emotion that comes from within you, it is handed to you on a silver platter. So, the next time they try to hand it to you, refuse it and tell yourself that anything worth doing does not come easy but is well worth it in the end. You'll thank yourself for not giving in and teaching them to stand on their own. In the end they will thank you too.
Posted 07/22/09 7:10 PM
You need to be truthful
You need to be truthful with them and upfront; they are adults and should be treated like adults. If you get any lip service from them you can tell them that the reason they are in this type of situation is due to their own fault.
1. Your daughter should have never quit her job especially since there are no children to care for.
2. Why was all the money disbursed to them at one time. The ideal should have been to put the money on a trust so that the money would earn some interest.
3. Your daughter and son in law are adults, if they cannot resolve their own financial shortcomings after having spent all the money why should you.
Please do not feel bad, just tell it like it is; it is best to be upfront. Don't treat them with kids gloves for they are no longer kids, rather irresponsible adults.
Good luck to you!
Posted 07/22/09 4:04 PM
You don't seem like a mean
You don't seem like a mean person. I don't think you need help with the words. You likely need help witt heart to do what you know you need to do. You can find the words but it appears your heart is in the way. Your title "Adult Children" should be shortened to "Adults". Since they seem to be irresponsible, it appears that falling on their faces without someone to bail them out is what they will need to grow up and be adults. If you don't stop bailing them out, you and your nest egg will be in the similar situation as them. Make them grow up!!!
Posted 03/08/09 9:05 PM
Stop it now!! Tell them as
Stop it now!! Tell them as plain as possible that this is your retirement money and you can not help them any longer. If they are not working for themselves what on earth makes you think they will work for you when you are at your most vulnerable? Sounds like you are feeling guilty for some reason. You sound like a lady that did the best you could ad now the rest is up to them. Give them a big hug and a kiss and LET THEM GO. It's past time for you to live for yourself. As me how I know. One of my sons said that was the best thing I ever did for him. Also I went to a retirement party where the young man was crying when he told his mother thank you for kicking me out so I could become a man. The same holds true for a young woman. Also remember they are married. God Bless Pat NYC
Posted 03/06/09 11:47 AM
Jobless married Adult Children
My daughter (26) and her husband (28) finally got married last August and do not know how to budget or spend wisely over the last 3 years. They do not have any children. They are both fairly healthy. The husband has had several jobs in the past and my daughter worked full time. Once the money was given to them she quit her job and both of them haven't worked since. Now they are penniless again and once again (*sigh*) have asked for financial help. Both of them said to me yesterday that "Mothers are supposed to help out their children", "that's what family does when they have money". Apparently they are going to be paying this month's rent today ($575.00). Their ambition for looking for work is next to nothing. So, in the last 3 weeks I have given them $3,600.00. The husband said they would sell everything they have and move in with his mother which is a 6 hour car drive from here. (he hasn't asked his mother yet and she said she could not help him out financially.) Apparently, he has a $750.00 course he is going to in 10 days time and that's why he can't look for work. The thing is I am not working and I do have an egg nest but I'm not getting enough money monthly to replace the money I'm spending. They both said they would help me out if the roles were reversed. I'm 62 years old and live alone and own my home. I'm very uptight about this situation. I know they will never look for work if I keep helping them with rent, etc.(why would they?) How do I say no and stick to it and not feel quilty? My question is: What exact words would I say to them without being rude or mean?
Posted 03/06/09 11:47 AM
Jobless married Adult Children
My daughter (26) and her husband (28) finally got married last August and do not know how to budget or spend wisely over the last 3 years. They do not have any children. They are both fairly healthy. The husband has had several jobs in the past and my daughter worked full time. Once the money was given to them she quit her job and both of them haven't worked since. Now they are penniless again and once again (*sigh*) have asked for financial help. Both of them said to me yesterday that "Mothers are supposed to help out their children", "that's what family does when they have money". Apparently they are going to be paying this month's rent today ($575.00). Their ambition for looking for work is next to nothing. So, in the last 3 weeks I have given them $3,600.00. The husband said they would sell everything they have and move in with his mother which is a 6 hour car drive from here. (he hasn't asked his mother yet and she said she could not help him out financially.) Apparently, he has a $750.00 course he is going to in 10 days time and that's why he can't look for work. The thing is I am not working and I do have an egg nest but I'm not getting enough money monthly to replace the money I'm spending. They both said they would help me out if the roles were reversed. I'm 62 years old and live alone and own my home. I'm very uptight about this situation. I know they will never look for work if I keep helping them with rent, etc.(why would they?) How do I say no and stick to it and not feel quilty? My question is: What exact words would I say to them without being rude or mean?
Posted 07/22/09 4:50 PM
Hello At a loss, I
Hello At a loss,
I suggest you turn the tables around. Tell them how needy you are financially, and ask them to help YOU with YOUR bills.Try missing a utility payment and show them the disconnect notice that will ensue. That will motivate them to quickly find money to help you.
Posted 02/11/09 10:06 AM
Relationship with Adult Step Children
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one. His children are 22 and 19 and mine is 17. The problem is the oldest child. She is extremly rude to me and always treated very disrespectfully and her father has made excuses for her behavior or refused to see the problem. She moved into our home for approx a year until she recently got married. When she left things we were not and still are not on good terms. The problem now is she was married by a justice of the peace and now plans to have a nice church wedding with a big reception following the wedding and expects us to foot the bill.
Until the last year that she lived with us, I would have probably just gone along with paying for the wedding and reception to keep down conflict. However, now since we already have so much conflict... I don't want to participate in the financial support of this wedding. I have proposed to my husband that whatever the cost is we either set aside the same amound of $ in a separate account (in my name only) or whatever was planning to spend cut it in half because I don't want to give his daughter anything that I work for toward her wedding based on her behavior with me. Any suggestions for handling this situation without causing more heartache that we currently have.
Posted 12/14/08 12:06 AM
Our Dilemma
Thank you for this topic. We have provided our able-bodied, intelligent 22-year-old son with an economically and emotionally secure foundation, so we're still hoping against hope that things will get better.
We hope that the new job possibility he has really will pan out (this week?), and will be able to move out into his own place voluntarily (by February 2009?).
By his own choice, he's been living with us for four years while working (until his recent job loss). It's very disappointing that he paid rent only once, "borrowed" money, up a credit card I'd consigned, and uses our groceries. Where did the money go? To a girlfried who has diagnosed bipolar disorder and who has encouraged or permitted him to pay a number of her large bills. (This is not a complete description. Like all of us she is a child of God and worthy of love and forgiveness; I'm just being factual.)
My husband and I blame ourselves. We have not been tough enough. We complain, then soften, and give. We are willing to chalk it up to experience.
Now our son's friends who went to college are coming back to town and he is seeing that there is a bigger world. We hope that he will follow through on his plans for taking community college courses to earn a degree over time while he works (he absolutely did not want to go to college full time).
We hope he meets new people there.
The potentially negative scenario though--the one I fear and that led me to read and comment on this discussion board--is that he will stay at home for many more months and that our arguments will get worse and our relationship will deteriorate. It is right now at a very low point. If money is missing from my purse, I can't stand how I feel so I feel compelled to ask him if he took it and he acts very angry. (He has only admitted to this behavior once, and says he is reformed. I really want to believe him and in my heart do tonight.)
This is the agony of it. More than anything, I want a loving relationship with him, and his Dad wants that very much also.
We know that the solution is for our son to get his own place, and I pray that it will be soon, and voluntary. Having his own place is that I think it would teach him the reality of money. Also it would bring out the true character of the girl he is with, who may perceive him to be rich because our house is large.
I don't want to have to kick him out. I really really hope that he is able to move out on his own before it gets to that. But I love him enough to do that when the time comes. I may be back with good news...or to cry on your shoulders.
Please be sympathetic even though I am largely to blame for this situation. I do sympathize with what I've read here, and I appreciate everyone's honesty.
Posted 12/01/08 2:21 PM
To Kick out or not to kick out. that is the question
Take the advise of someone who has been through a very similar situation. I definitely would kick her out. Why torment yourself ? I in the past have given my daughter chance after chance and it did not work. Recently in fact 3 weeks ago had to kick her out permamently because she lied that her car payments were up to date. Guess what? The car got re-poed plus she was lying about working full time. This time I did not feel bad because the lies have been going on for many years. Like your daughter she is a chronic liar who needs professional help. Do yourself a big favor and untie the apron strings now. I am 61 years old now and should have had my life 15 years ago. Unfortunately I am on a disability and have to make the best of whatever life I have left. You and your ex-husband deserve a life too without all of this aggrevation. Hadn't been for all the stress she put me through maybe I would still be working. It is tough love but must be done! These adult children should be taking care of themselves and helping us out not the other way around. She lacks respect for you just like my 34 year old. Time to say goodbye and good luck. You will be happy you did.
Posted 09/16/08 8:33 PM
To Kick Out or Not To Kick Out...That is the Question
I have a 23 yr old daughter who was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (progressive and non-curable). She is currently on medical leave from her minimum wage retail job. She makes about $12k per year and has practically nothing left of her salary after paying for her medical insurance, prescriptions and co-pays for her doctor's appointments. She lives half-time with me and half time with my ex-husband. She does not drive. She does not pay rent.
She is a chronic liar. She has lied about big things:
1) She was away at college and failed out 2nd semester (never went to class) and lied about it.
2) She spent all her extra money on online games and went in default on student loan payment and credit cards and lied about it.
3) And most recently, told me that she was going to visit a girlfriend in another state to help her get ready to move and care for her kids while she packed. She really went to meet a guy she met on the internet playing the above-mentioned video game.
I caught her in all of the lies above...who knows how many more there were that I didn't catch her in.
My question is: Do I kick her out for being dishonest even though I no she has no means to do so and has a chronic illness? OR do I give her one last shot with very rigid rules - a LAST CHANCE to comply or leave and try to get her to counseling? She has very low self-esteem.
Thanks in advance. This is heart-breaking...she returns home in a few days (I don't even feel like picking her up at the airport, I'm so mad!)
Posted 09/12/08 11:25 AM
When able-bodied parents move in with adult kids!!!
Okay, I have read a lot of posts regarding adult irresponsible children moving back in with their parents or just never having left!!
My situation is very different from any of this!
I am a 35 year old married woman with no kids yet. My 62 yr. old mother, and 60 yr. old step father lost their home on foreclosure due to an unscrupulous attorney having stolen money from them, the subprme mortgage crisis, and just plain bad financial planning, irresponsibility, and poor decisions on their behalf. i moved out of my mother's house when I turned 22, and have always been financially responsible for my own bills, college tuition, helped pay the mortgage when I lived there, utilities, etc. My siblings had come back to roost an both lived their scott free without paying a dime and left my husband and I holding the bag as a result of their generosity which added to them losing their home. Now my sister has her own home, my brother has a condo(which my husband and I helped to get for him) and now my parents have no home!!! I am very torn b/c I have never taken advantage of her, nor have ever asked for hand outs,nor did she provide them to me either. Everything I have, My husband and I worked hard for. I currently own a beautiful 2500 sq ft home 3 minutes away from the house my mom lost. She wants to come and live with my husband and I , but neither are working right now. I have always provided everything that ym mom has ever needed and more. Financially, emotionally, sports car, tens of thousands of dollars, etc.
She seems to have become quite comfortable with what I would refer to as being a parent-child role reversal. I agreed to begin building an in-law set up b/c I can't have my mom living in an unsafe situation. Little bit of back story...I am the youngest child and yet the most responsible! My dad died when I was 10, and even though my mom remarried a year later to her husband, I have always felt responsible for her!!! PLEASE HELP WITH A ROLE REVERSAL SITUATION!!!
Posted 08/21/08 3:11 PM
a good mom in Colorado
I am mother to 2 girls both moved away from home a quickly as possible...when high school was finished...and may I add FAR away. I thought we had a close relationship but come to find out they think i was a terrible mom....the younger one will talk to me about her feelings but the older one is closed as tight as a drum......I know they love me...maybe because they have to but I don't think they like me too much. They don't call unless they need something....I have no idea what goes on in their lives.....this breaks my heart because I want so much to be close to them....any suggestions on how to repair the relationships?
Posted 09/02/08 7:58 PM
It's heartbreaking I think
It's heartbreaking I think to be threatened with the loss of what we cherish, a strong relationship with our children. Clearly you have your younger daughter's trust given that she at least feels she can talk to you about her feelings. My daughter has as well moved out of the home And she too is very private about her feelings. I know that as a young single mom, working and going to school I didn't always provide the nurturing she needed. I have decided to do what I can now. So, I try not to ask too much of her (in terms of meeting my needs) e.g. a telephone call on a regular basis would be nice. :-* But instead have said it's important to me that we work out together how we can both be happy with our relationship. Sometimes I leave voicemail mssgs. or I email with things that she has done that I've thought were really kind, or cool for funny. As I started doing that, and realized what a lovely young woman she's grown to be, I thought maybe I didn't do such a bad job afterall. And I wouldn't be surpised if you know those same things about your daughters and yourself as a mom.
Good Luck with this.
Posted 09/13/08 1:07 AM
I consider myself a very
I consider myself a very good mom, my husband is a very good dad. We have two adult children. One is 40, has a career, is married, owns her house, all is normal....
The other one is 38, she is a real bum. She has lived in Hawaii, Alaska, Colorado, California, worked bits and pieces with waitressing, most she has lived like a bum.
Now, she has a child and she and the father of the baby are back in Hawaii, and my husband and I have sent them money but we are now fed up with it. She is not very thankful either, only gets in touch with us when she needs money.
We happen to be quite wealthy, but we are at our wits ends with our daughter, aged 30 with a baby, and still she doesn't take responsibility for her life..
I think she suffers somehow from a mental illness or she is a bad case of being an adult who don't want to grow up, period.
again, we were very good parents, but we probably should have stopped helping her out long, long time ago...she seems to be getting worse. Help anyone!!
Posted 03/07/09 11:30 AM
I read your post this
I read your post this morning and I'm wondering if you are still having the same situation. I see that your post was back in September. It's really hard for me to say no but it is frustrating to see my own flesh and blood not be responsible for themselves. I do see my daughter and her husband regualary socially but every once in awhile I get "please help us". I'm weak to say no but I'm getting more angrier each time they ask me. Neither of them have worked in about a year. The inheritance helped them to live like rich people. Now that money is gone.
Posted 11/19/06 7:46 PM
Babys feel lonely
Surrey3, my heart went out to you when I read your post. I realize you wrote it in 2003, and may never see this post, but I nearly cried at the vision of your baby boy afraid with the trembling lip, and covered in tears. God bless you for sharing that story. I'm so very sorry that you lost your son at such a young age.
Posted 06/28/03 9:21 PM
I don't know what to do
I need help with this one. My son and daughter-in-law recently made my husband and I grandparents. Everything was wonderful until "Babywise", which is stupid because there is nothing wise in what it says. But that's not everything, I now am suppose to let my grandson cry until he goes to sleep, I can't have the TV on because it is not appropriate. If I feed this child homemade food, I am criticized but its okay to fix him instant macaroni and cheese.
My son wants him on a schedule so he won't become self-centered like he is and all I want to do is enjoy being a grandparent, without worrying if they are letting him cry all the time. I know this doesn't sound like I'm making any sense, but we had a big fight and I don't want to be left out of my grandsons life. I take care of him two days a week, how bad of an infulence can I be?
Posted 10/21/03 6:05 PM
Babys feel lonely
Years ago my Motherinlaw made us leave our son in herfront room to cry-As she had done for her 5 boys.When i went in his face was covered in tears and his bottom lip trembled with fear,he was sweating with fear;I could never forget how
he looked..When all he needed was a cuddle.
He died at 21..But i still remember his little face when he needed to be held.So just
cuddle the baby and dont let him live in FEAR of being alone -because he will feel that way the rest of his life;
Posted 06/24/03 5:23 PM
Family loans
I am writing a story about family loans and I'm gathering experiences to liven up the article-and questions to ask experts. Where do you stand? Do you think the type of relationship makes a difference, or instance, should your reaction be identical whether it's an adult child vs. a second cousin asking for an advance? What about if the person being asked for dollars obviously has enough to give, should that impact the decision of being asked or given the money?
If you've lent to, borrowed from or turned down kin, I'd like to hear about the circumstances, as well as what worked and what didn't. Would you do anything different next time? Has it affected the relationships between the parties involved? Were there any other alternatives you considered, and what ruled them out? What about unintended or unforeseen repercussions?
Please feel free to contact me via my email or by posting here.
Thanks so much for all your help! Your insights and advice will give others an advantage.
Sincerely,
Diane857@aol.com
Posted 06/12/03 2:58 PM
Adult child (41 yrs. old) will not leave home
Give him/her and exact time frame, like 2 weeks, no more that one month and stick with it. Then at the exact date that you gave for the move out, you must follow through and kick him/her out, regardless of what they are saying.
You have become an enabler, and you must stop it, if you really love your child.
You are NOT helping him/her this way.
I know what I'm talking about, I had to do this!!
I had to kick my son out, and I know, that's not easy. After the door shut, I cried all night, and told myself what a terrible mother I must be to kick out my own son.
I even remember telling him, that I was doing this not because I didn't love him, but because I really did. He called me 6 month later and asked if he could come to see me, and when he did, he thanked me for throwing him out.
He said it was the best thing that could have happened to him. He had a good job, a new girlfriend and was proud of himself.
That was 25 years ago, and he still tells this story :):)
hwmentor
Posted 06/05/03 3:42 PM
my new office
This seem to be the thing these day adult that was once a child is still a child... touch love is the only way to go. My opinion is send him or her on a mission any mission and when they return have their thing sitting out on the porch or in the yard with a note attached to their items telling them the nest is filled I need the space for my new office and don't look back... touch it is love.
Posted 06/04/03 9:28 PM
Adult child (41 yrs. old) will not leave home
Mother should have kick her son out long time ago. He need to learn to be on his own. Now, maybe it is too late, cause he is too old.
By hwmentor
Posted 06/12/03 3:05 PM
Adult child (41 yrs. old) will not leave home
Give him/her and exact time frame, like 2 weeks, no more that one montand stick with it. Then at the exact date that you gave for the move out,you must follow through and kick him/her out, regardless of what they are saying.
You have become an enabler, and you must stop it, if you really love your child. You are NOT helping him/her this way.
I know what I'm talking about, I had to do this!! I had to kick my son out, and I know, that's not easy. After the door shut, I cried all night, and told myself what a terrible mother I must be to kick out my own son. I even remember telling him, that I was doing this not because I didn't love him, but because I really did.
He called me 6 month later and asked if he could come to see me, and when he did, he thanked me for throwing him out. He said it was the best thing that
could have happened to him. He had a good job, a new girlfriend and was proud of himself. That was 25 years ago, and he still tells this story :):)
Posted 06/03/03 4:38 PM
What To Do About a 41 Yr. Old Child...
He must be on disability; Right? NO?! Throw the bum out!
Posted 06/03/03 3:29 PM
adult child
I bought a house when i found out my son who is 25 and his wife 25 was having a baby. they were living in a run down place and i didnt want me grandson to grow up there. It has been a year and they had agreed to pay 400.00 a month to help out with the bills. In a year I have seen only 400.00 once in one month. He is working at a car wash and she is not working so when it rains he doesnt work. some weeks i get 20.00 others i may get 100.00. They invite people over all the time and i now feel like a guest in my own house. My 17 yr old lives there to and he works and goes to school and pays his car insurance to me and never misses a payment. WEe had a 3 yr plan and i am sticking to it. They have 1 yr and 7 months left. They are not even attempting to save anything toward their own place. My 17 yr old will be graduating and going in the service at the end of that time so I will be selling the house. My fiance wants me to move in with him and let them stay there and just keep paying the bills. I am afraid if i do that they will destroy the house with friendsthe let stay over whenever they want. I now believe it was a mistake to offer them a helping hand and will not do it again but i will stick to my plan. Am I wrong?
Posted 07/22/09 4:16 PM
Absolutely not. You are
Absolutely not. You are Right. Stick to the plan. They've had time to plan for the future. If they didn't, not your fault!
By lendance
Posted 06/03/03 1:36 PM
Child will not leave home
Mother:
The reason he is there is because of YOU. You made a mistake in rearing him by doing everything for him, making all his decisions and now he's AFRAID to be on his own. From the time children begin to understand what a family is, and what marriage means, and what growing up means they should already be getting the message that people leave Mom and Dad behind and strike out on their own when they become of age and have their own careers.
Your son NEVER got THAT message. What he did get was: Mommy will always be here, to cook for you, wash for you, and do everything that a wife can do; therefore, you never have to leave home.
By LUCKYTOAST
Posted 06/03/03 11:11 AM
Hanging in there
My youngest daughter, 31 is going through the same thing (or was) until the 46 year old dad of the 2 teenagers, told them the she was there as long as he loved her & she him. They got into it a few times but when they saw it wasn't working they settled down & accepted her & her 3 children.
By MOOK53LHD
Posted 06/03/03 7:55 AM
reverse mook53lhd@webtv.net
i am an eldest son who lives with mom.i moved out when i was 20 many moons go. was middle class with
my ups & down.i was living in s. fla when my pop had a heart attack in 1990.i came back to ny of course.my mother wasn`t left well off.besides 2 weeks after the condolence period,i met someone.well 5 yrs went by & i fell very ill.had to resign my position ,then sold my car,needless to say the girl didn`t stick.my mother being there meant everything.i had to take medication with horrendous side effects.for 2 yrs i wouldn`t let anyone know or see me.my mother during this time fell ill depression.so we helped each other.there were things that occurred that my mother couldnt`ve handled alone.we still live together take our medications & are better for it.oh i am 54 on disability,so theres no sponging,i pull my weight. in other cases where a shiftless bum son lives with his mom disrespects her & taxes her resources.well that i can`t abide .then you have the helpless & harmless son who is either shell shocked by his unhappy past or just can`t hack it.if hes well behaved & doesn`t take liberties ok.so i`ve given you the other side of the coin.i would add that a man can still be a man & not a pantywaist living home with mom. yours snorky was it ps you`re not related to al capone are you?his intimates called him snorky
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