Celebrity talk show host Larry King is a pro at it. So is Hollywood actress Elizabeth Taylor. Both treat marriage like a sport, having remarried eight times -- twice with the same person. But why are so many people getting divorced? And then getting remarried again without a second thought? Maybe the sanctity of marriage isn't what it used to be.
Getting Divorced
No matter what your politics are, weren't you just a tad disappointed -- and shocked -- when Al and Tipper Gore called the whole thing off a few months ago?
After 40 years, why now?
"I'm seeing more and more of it in my practice," says Tampa-based psychologist and author David Clarke. "In the past, even if couples were miserable, they stayed together. Splitting up finances, friends and even family was just too awkward; the stigma of being divorced was too great."
As a marriage and family counselor, Clarke's job is to help mend fractured unions. But with changing cultural attitudes toward marital vows, that's becoming more difficult to do.
Couples who married younger are living longer, Clarke says. After their children are grown, they have another stage of life ahead. So if they feel they're in a dead-end relationship, they may be thinking: Why spend those years miserable?
"I believe you can change to make things better, but the older you are, the more entrenched your habits and decades-old patterns are," he says. "It's hard work. If you're not willing to make that commitment, society is making it easier to walk away."
Of all the Americans who say "I do," more than half will eventually say "I don't." Statistics on late-life breakups specifically are sketchy; the U.S. Census Bureau is only now starting to track divorces to give a clearer picture.
Betsey Stevenson, an assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business, did some number crunching and concluded there's no reason to panic about a "divorce crisis" among older Americans. It's actually on the other end of the spectrum. The highest divorce rate is among those wed 10 years or less. "All marriages end, by death or divorce," she says. "These advances in life expectancy mean less death, and with less death, we'll see more divorces coming from the simple fact that you can't divorce if you are dead." Healthy But Not Happy Today's baby boomers are the first generation to find themselves approaching retirement age healthy, with decades of living to go. "They may think it's worth searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right-for-the-rest-of-my-life, rather than settling with whoever was right for them 40 years ago," she says. Those who call it quits in their later years will likely need counseling or group support for the transition. Mike Velasco has led three 13-week Divorce Care programs at The Crossing Church in Tampa; he'll start another one Aug. 31. Twice divorced himself, he says he finally "got it right" on his third time around. He and his wife will celebrate 11 years together November. He didn't have the knowledge back then that he has now and would have done things differently, he says. "I think you need one year of healing for every four years you're married. So if you've invested several decades into one person, do the math. You've put a lot of time, emotion and energy into that relationship and those feelings don't disappear overnight." Take Time to Drop Baggage Not taking the time for personal reflection after a divorce is like "trying to run a marathon with a broken leg." And if you don't get it fixed, Velasco says, "you'll just bring all that baggage and messed-up emotions to the next relationship." Men are the worst for that, he says. In his experience, women rebound with greater success, and are more likely to settle in happily alone. "Face it, men are used to being nurtured by their mothers and wives." Kathryn Shinovich says amen to that. The 69-year-old Clearwater, Fla., woman got divorced after 29 years of marriage. Her four children weren't happy about it, but Shinovich's misery in her troubled relationship trumped that. She's made a point not to repeat the mistakes made by her mother, married six times. "Don't be needy. Don't be afraid of being alone," she says. "If you're truly not happy, move on, no matter how old you are. I wasted all of my youth on something I knew was never right. Now I'm on my own and loving it."// var ranNum = Math.round(Math.random()*1000000); document.write('http://content.yellowbrix.com/images/content/cimage.nsp?ctype=full_story&story_id=148304189&id=thirdage&ip_id=McClatchy-Tribune+Business+News&source_id=Tampa+Tribune&category=Relationships&random=' + (ranNum));// ]]>//
