Despite the stereotypical male jokes about the "old ball and chain," studies have shown that, overall, married men are mentally and physically healthier than single men. The reverse, however, is true for married women in unhappy marriages. Psychologist Robert W. Levenson, Ph.D. (University of California, Berkeley), spoke at the American Psychological Association's 2001 Annual Convention, theorizing that the difference could be attributed to the way men and women process their spouses' and their own emotions.
In an article by Deborah Smith of the APA's "Monitor" (December 2001), Levenson says that in situations of marital conflict, men "experience higher autonomic arousal, they feel badly and they withdraw." Levenson refers to this coping technique as "stonewalling," while at MarsVenus we call it "the cave." The cave is the description of how a Martian may withdraw under stress, removing himself from a problem so that he can work out a solution.
While a Martian needs to retreat to into his "cave," Venusians typically need to talk about feelings in order to reach a resolution or achieve closure under the same circumstances. Levenson goes on to say that women attempt to stay engaged in a discussion while their husbands begin to withdraw or "stonewall" -- leading wives to feel frustrated and even more stressed. In difficult marriages, that continual heightened stress produces physiological responses in women than can lead to poorer health.
Another theory for the difference in mental and physical health in married men vs. married women, according to Levenson, is the way each processes the emotions of their partner. "Men and women are just as good at knowing what the other is feeling," says Levenson. "However, there's a consequence of that that shows an interesting gender difference. When wives are accurately reading their husbands' emotions, they take on the physiology that their husbands are showing. Meanwhile, husbands -- who are just as good at knowing what their wives are feeling -- don't show that kind of physiological activation." This is not surprising since Venusians are typically receptive and responsive. It is natural for them to "take on" or at the very least "take in" much of what goes on in their environment. Martians, on the other hand, possess the ability to more effectively compartmentalize and detach themselves from stressful situations. While the studies and theories seem to indicate that in general marriage is better for men than women, realizing and accepting the differences between Martian and Venusian behavior and reactions can go a long way toward equalizing this difference. Venusians need to recognize that their mates need time and space to cope with and resolve conflict. Realizing that retreating into his "cave" is a normal, natural and temporary occurrence for Martians can alleviate the stress associated with this behavior. Martians should realize that the responsiveness and receptivity that they value in their mates can cause Venusians to take on their emotions and stress, even though they themselves are able to detach from the emotional fluctuations of their mates.
Scientific research continues to support the theory that there are fundamental differences in the ways men and women experience emotions and communicate those experiences. It is important to understand and accept these differences so that men and women can have healthy and satisfying relationships. Recognizing the different emotional and communication styles of Martians and Venusians can be the first step. For more information about the different needs of Martians and Venusians, check out the articles on Understanding the Differences in the MarsVenus.com Membership Section. John Gray has helped millions of men and women develop better relationships with his phenomenal New York Times bestseller "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (HarperCollins, 2004). For insight into dating and relationships today, visit Relationship Advice from MarsVenus.com.
Source: Relationships & Love
