Is the demise of marriage harmful to kids?
Or can they thrive in do-it-yourself families with single parents, step-families, boyfriends and grandparents?
The latest U.S. census report, showing married couples now account for fewer than half the homes in the Twin Cities, raises the questions.
Carol Bruess is a marriage skeptic. Marriage as an institution might be crumbling but not the core values of parents, said Bruess, director of Family Studies at the University of St. Thomas.
Those values, including love for each other and for children, are not necessarily being damaged by marriage's decline, she said.
"Some things are changing, but to say we are in a state of crisis -- that is not what is going on right now," Bruess said.
Single parents share the same values as traditional parents, she said. They create networks to make up for the absence of a second parent and compensate for a lack of money or attention at home.
What matters, Bruess said, is raising children in a low-conflict environment with quality care.
"In what type of family they are given these essential features is not so important," she said.
Marriage has changed more in the past three decades than in the past three centuries, said Bruess -- but loving care for children is still the norm.
"In a way, the family is more stable than it's ever been," she said.
That is wishful thinking, said Bill Doherty, professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
"That
was the professional wisdom 15 or 20 years ago. But it's quite clear now that the instability associated with nonmarried households is bad for children."
Everyone agrees that poverty, violence and constant change harm a child's development. But Doherty said those factors are far more common among unmarried parents than married.
It's possible for cohabiting couples to provide stable, nurturing homes for children, but the odds are against it, he said. About 90 percent of such relationships break up, Doherty said.
Unmarried families are forced to move more often. Adults -- boyfriends, girlfriends or relatives -- enter the family and leave, over and over. They form relationships with children and break them, leaving children feeling abandoned, powerless and betrayed.
"The first year of marriage is tricky, anyway. How about adding a child from an old boyfriend?" Doherty said.
Traditional marriages, he said, tend to be more stable and prosperous. "Married men, in particular, feel more responsible," Doherty said.
They drink less, run around less and work harder, he said, and they spend more time with their children.
"Of course, there can be terrible, abusive marriages," Doherty said. "But all things being equal, two married parents are better than two unmarried parents.
"And both are better than a single parent."
Bob Shaw can be reached at 651-228-5433 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 651-228-5433 end_of_the_skype_highlighting.
Source: yellowbrix
