You have cancer. Whether its your diagnosis, or that of someone you love, those three words can be life altering. Often you must begin making decisions, booking appointments and re-arranging schedules, while youre still reeling from waves of shock, grief, anger, and sadness. Its an intimidating prospect, and much as you might like to retreat under the covers, thats not an option.
You just cant turn away from the diagnosis and expect it to disappear, says Joni Aldrich, author of The Saving of Gordon: Lifelines to W-I-N Against Cancer. The best option is to face it head on. A poorly devised and executed cancer attack plan can cost you much more than just time.
When people are diagnosed with cancer, their inclination is often to turn their lives and treatment options over to the healthcare industry, says Aldrich. After all, they are the experts. But its just not that simple. Aldrich explains that youthe patient or the loved one of the patientmust take part in many decisions, ranging from choosing a cancer treatment center and oncology team to deciding upon a treatment protocol.
Aldrich knows about the subject of cancerand its ramificationsall too well. In 2006, she lost her husband, Gordon, after a two-year battle with cancer. He was just 43. Aldrich says they trusted the wrong medical treatment facility and team for the first five months of their fight to save her husbands life. While they finally did find the right treatment facility, it was too late.
In her second book about surviving griefThe Losing of Gordon: A Beacon Through the Storm Called Grief Aldrich tells the inspirational story of her own rebuilding after losing her husband.
Here, Aldrich offers eight ways to begin coping with cancer:
1. Admit that you and your family are in crisis. When you hear the word crisis, it typically conjures images of natural disasters and third-world countriesnot something that is the result of a day at the doctors office. However, no matter how small a scale, a crisis is a turning point, and a diagnosis of cancer is just that. Aldrich says that you have to come to terms with the fact that your life has now changed, and move forward knowing that even though things wont be the same, your life will continueand it must.
A cancer diagnosis is different from any other crisis that you may have been through before, explains Aldrich. While fear has a way of stopping us in our tracks, Aldrich says, Keep moving forward, even if you start with baby steps. Focus on staying strong and in control.
2. Dont stop with the first opinion. One of the biggest mistakes people make after a diagnosis is failing to get a second, third, or even fourth opinion on their diagnosis and treatment options. Even if you have to travel out of state or across the country, its worth the effort if it means getting the best possible care.
This is one mistake Gordon and I truly regretted after the original treatment failed, recounts Aldrich. And because of that, the cancer had grown out of control. We were sold a bill of goods and given expectations that had no real chance, because his cancer was too aggressive. We were originally told that after six months of radiation, chemo, and a stem cell transplantpoofGordon would be as good as new. It didnt happen. His cancer was more aggressive than his treatments.
Be aware that every patient is different, she adds. You need a doctor and medical team who can bob and weave through whatever turn your cancer decides to take.
3. Remember that knowledge is power. The best remedy for feeling armed and ready during your fight with cancer is to equip yourself with informationa lot of it. Aldrich says that most patients and their families tend to defer to their doctor without realizing that they actually have a say in all decisions. Insist from the beginning that your medical team be direct and forthcoming with all information. Pay close attention at doctors appointments, ask for multiple recommendations, and stay grounded. You need to clearly understand your options, the side effects, and future concerns. After all, this is your life at stake.
Keep in mind that there is no preset treatment for any type of cancer, and every patient is different, she continues. Ask to be provided with copies of all medical tests and blood work. You may not understand every word, but youll catch a lot of the information and learn as time passes. Keep all documents organized in a file, so that if you need an additional consultation youll have everything that you need.
4. Make use of the gifts of those around you. Chances are the people in your own inner circle, your family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers, all possess individual talents and resources that can help you face your fight. For example, perhaps you have a relative with experience in the medical field, who can help you navigate the hospital system. Or maybe your neighbor has a gift for organization and can help you keep up with your paperwork and appointments. People really want to help, so dont be afraid to ask. Youll be amazed at the talent and resources that are available to youoften right in your own family!
Many newly diagnosed cancer patients put their faith solely on the shoulders of their medical team, explains Aldrich. This includes shutting out other patients who have gone through treatment for that same type of cancer. Dont! Its productive to listen and learn before you decide whats best for you. Ask your friends and family for their opinions, help, and guidance. Having the right support system at home is almost as important as having a top-tier medical team.
5. Dont buy into expiration dates. Cancer is very serious and you dont want to live in denial. Yet, you also dont need to assume the worst. If your doctor says the typical patient with your kind of cancer lives six months, that doesnt mean you have only six months. Maybe you have nine months or two years or even more time ahead of you. The doctor doesnt know for sure. Assuming she knows how long you have sets you up psychologically to live until that date and no longerand since outlook is such a critical part of the battle, that could have dire consequences.
This is very easy to say and very hard to do, but Im going to say it anyway: Enjoy every day and keep your hopes high, and dont focus on some imaginary deadline, says Aldrich. Concentrate on the here and now and the things you can control. That way, no matter how long you end up living, the time will be worth living.
6. Commit to face the battle together. A cancer diagnosis is challenging in many ways. It can tax you mentally and physicallyand it can put a real strain on your personal relationships. You have to go into it knowing that neither you nor your partner will survive this trial without the other one. Studies show that patients with poorly managed anger and pain may feel stress, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and guilt. They may even withdraw from loved ones. Sometimes that will hurt you both, but your mutual understanding of what is happening can make all the difference.
You have to keep in mind that you are not in a normal situation, Aldrich says. You cant expect a normal relationship during this time. So practice forgiveness. Be patient. Lean on each other, and most importantly, take every opportunity to say the words I love you.
7. Remember, the patient has the final say. When youre the patient, youll want to do everything in your power to fight your cancer and become a survivor. But there may come a time when its all too much, or when you dont feel comfortable with a decision or treatment planand its okay for you to say no or ask for another opinion. Personal choice is critical in the fight against cancer, and keeping in mind that you have a choice can be both empowering and comforting. Of course, when youre not the patient, it can be very difficult to let go of your need to control the situation and make decisions for him or her.
Allowing a patient personal choice can be particularly hard for family members and friends, Aldrich says. To them, I would say this: offer your love and support, but unless the person is mentally incapable of taking part in the decisions, he or she should have the ultimate say. Otherwise, how will you live with the results, if you force your loved one and the outcome is not positive? Youre a team in the strange land of cancer. You must work together to strike a balance.
8. Realize that life does go on (if you let it). A cancer diagnosis can change everything about the way you liveyour capabilities, your schedule, and your ability to make future plans. And quite often, this loss of freedom and flexibility is one of the most difficult aspects of the disease for cancer patients to cope with. Thats why its critical to live your life as normally as possible. Get up every day, go to work if you are able, and stay active and involved with your friends and family. Finding the right balance will keep your spirits high and your attitude positive.
So much of your success in fighting this battle is tied up in your attitude and mental state, explains Aldrich. If you let the cancer consume your life, youll begin to lose touch with that life you are fighting for. As long as you are aware of your own limits and boundaries, there is nothing wrong with getting out there and doing the things you love to do and that make you and your family happy.
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