I have been married for 25 years and we have 3 minor children at home. 1 1/2 years ago, my wife separated from me and our 3 children went back and forth between my home and my wife's parent's home, where she was living. After almost one year, she suddenly moved back in for the sake of the children, but has been adamant about getting a divorce. She sleeps in one of our children's bedrooms, and is completely separated from me - in the same house. This is extremely hurtful to me, but my children pretend the white elephant sitting in the living room does not exist. About 5 months ago, it was discovered that she has been having an affair with my "former best friend" for quite some time. I confronted her and she reacted with anger and denied it, even though I had proof. I don't know if the affair has continued to this day, but I have tried many, many times for the first year of our separation to get her to reconcile. I went through marriage counseling alone, since she was not willing to go. I want to ask one last time if she would be willing to reconcile before proceeding with a divorce, but I want to ask in such a way that would be appealing to her. I also want to focus on the positive and not the negative hurts of the past. I can forgive her of the affair, but I'm not sure I can forget the tremendous pain and loneliness that I've endured over the last 1 1/2 years. One other huge problem is that my wife has always had extreme difficulty in expressing her feelings and is very sensitive. I, on the other hand, am so afraid of hurting her feelings that I usually don't express myself for fear of hurting her. The end result has been that we are not best friends. Again, how can I say the right words in a loving way to encourage her to want to reconcile?
I have a situation threatening to tear my marriage apart. We have been married for 8 years and this is the 2nd marriage for both of us. Together we have raised 5 children (4 boys, 1 girl) and the girl is 18 and still lives with us ~ all others are on their own. I am 51 and she is 45 ~ we are both reasonably attractive and stay fit & healthy.
During the stressful teen years, we both neglected our sex life and we had our more than our share of problems with the step-daughter. That situation is better now.
About a year ago, my wife turned to an on-line site for people seeking extra-marital sex, posted a profile of herself, and had met 5 other men in a 6 month period without my knowledge. It was devistating to me and it nearly ended our marriage when I doscovered what she had done. We are working through that, and at this point BOTH want to save our marriage.
We both have high sex drives so we are evenly matched for desire. But she keeps telling me she "just needs something different". I love her VERY MUCH, and she tells me that I mean the world to her, and we want to repair our relationship and it seems to be working . . . . EXCEPT ~ she continues to tell me she needs something new & different about once a month and that "it's just sex and doens't mean anything more than that".
She cannot understand why I don't like it if she wants to meet one guy in particular, to have sex with her and no emotional attachment. And i do believe it's sex only - neither of them wants to change anything else. He is 32, married, apparently well-built and travels through our area monthly. They connect by text or email ~ they arrange their schedules ~ and she wants to go! They split the cost of a room and spend 45 minutes together. She calls him "a dom" and says there is no affection involved in their "arrangement". She tells me when it's going to happen if I prod her with questions, or she will tell me AFTER it's happened. She says telling me beforehand "takes the fun out of it and she can't enjoy their meeting". She knows how much I hate this, but so far, knowing that this tears me apart inside is not enough reason to make her stop. I should add that her counselor is treating her for ADD, depression and anxiety and she has battled these things for 20+ years. She does exhibit some bi-polar traits, but has NOT been diagnosed as bi-polar. Apparently sexual addiction is related to some of these conditions.
We are seeing a counselor, and no, the counselor does NOT know about this activity, because as long as I "permit her" to have a monthly visit with this guy, our relationship otherwise is fantastic! It's only this one aspect that's killing me. . .but she says having this monthly visitor makes her want ME SO MUCH MORE???
I don't understand and I'm frantic to tind some answers that will help me deal with this . . . .I pray someone will answer this email ~~~
Comments (4)
I have been married for 25 years and we have 3 minor children at home. 1 1/2 years ago, my wife separated from me and our 3 children went back and forth between my home and my wife's parent's home, where she was living. After almost one year, she suddenly moved back in for the sake of the children, but has been adamant about getting a divorce. She sleeps in one of our children's bedrooms, and is completely separated from me - in the same house. This is extremely hurtful to me, but my children pretend the white elephant sitting in the living room does not exist. About 5 months ago, it was discovered that she has been having an affair with my "former best friend" for quite some time. I confronted her and she reacted with anger and denied it, even though I had proof. I don't know if the affair has continued to this day, but I have tried many, many times for the first year of our separation to get her to reconcile. I went through marriage counseling alone, since she was not willing to go. I want to ask one last time if she would be willing to reconcile before proceeding with a divorce, but I want to ask in such a way that would be appealing to her. I also want to focus on the positive and not the negative hurts of the past. I can forgive her of the affair, but I'm not sure I can forget the tremendous pain and loneliness that I've endured over the last 1 1/2 years. One other huge problem is that my wife has always had extreme difficulty in expressing her feelings and is very sensitive. I, on the other hand, am so afraid of hurting her feelings that I usually don't express myself for fear of hurting her. The end result has been that we are not best friends. Again, how can I say the right words in a loving way to encourage her to want to reconcile?
hello bob and susan i am a girl of 18 years an i need a serious boy friend
Dear Bob & Susan,
I have a situation threatening to tear my marriage apart. We have been married for 8 years and this is the 2nd marriage for both of us. Together we have raised 5 children (4 boys, 1 girl) and the girl is 18 and still lives with us ~ all others are on their own. I am 51 and she is 45 ~ we are both reasonably attractive and stay fit & healthy.
During the stressful teen years, we both neglected our sex life and we had our more than our share of problems with the step-daughter. That situation is better now.
About a year ago, my wife turned to an on-line site for people seeking extra-marital sex, posted a profile of herself, and had met 5 other men in a 6 month period without my knowledge. It was devistating to me and it nearly ended our marriage when I doscovered what she had done. We are working through that, and at this point BOTH want to save our marriage.
We both have high sex drives so we are evenly matched for desire. But she keeps telling me she "just needs something different". I love her VERY MUCH, and she tells me that I mean the world to her, and we want to repair our relationship and it seems to be working . . . . EXCEPT ~ she continues to tell me she needs something new & different about once a month and that "it's just sex and doens't mean anything more than that".
She cannot understand why I don't like it if she wants to meet one guy in particular, to have sex with her and no emotional attachment. And i do believe it's sex only - neither of them wants to change anything else. He is 32, married, apparently well-built and travels through our area monthly. They connect by text or email ~ they arrange their schedules ~ and she wants to go! They split the cost of a room and spend 45 minutes together. She calls him "a dom" and says there is no affection involved in their "arrangement". She tells me when it's going to happen if I prod her with questions, or she will tell me AFTER it's happened. She says telling me beforehand "takes the fun out of it and she can't enjoy their meeting". She knows how much I hate this, but so far, knowing that this tears me apart inside is not enough reason to make her stop. I should add that her counselor is treating her for ADD, depression and anxiety and she has battled these things for 20+ years. She does exhibit some bi-polar traits, but has NOT been diagnosed as bi-polar. Apparently sexual addiction is related to some of these conditions.
We are seeing a counselor, and no, the counselor does NOT know about this activity, because as long as I "permit her" to have a monthly visit with this guy, our relationship otherwise is fantastic! It's only this one aspect that's killing me. . .but she says having this monthly visitor makes her want ME SO MUCH MORE???
I don't understand and I'm frantic to tind some answers that will help me deal with this . . . .I pray someone will answer this email ~~~
signed,
FRANTIC in Ohio
I think that married couples should have sex at least twice a week.