By Jed Diamond I learned a lot about who was suffering from the Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) from letters I received from men and women. Here are two that are typical of many.
A 52-year-old man writes, "Over the past three years especially, I have noticed that my relationship with my wife has begun to deteriorate. In the past, there were open displays of affection and frequent verbal affirmations. Now, I seem to be irritable all the time. My attitude seems to be 'don't come near me, don't talk to me, I've had a hard day, I want the entire world to back off.' Now she rarely tries to hug me, never initiates sex, and talks to me about half as much as she used to. It's gotten to the point where I find out what's going on in her life from my mother or sisters. We're both miserable."
A 57-year-old woman sends a terse letter about the man she lives with. "Last January, a man came home from work with my husband's face, but did not act at all like him. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them, and have never met THIS guy before. Mean, nasty and cruel are just a few words to describe him."
When the IMS joins the household, men and women suffer, but in different ways. If you're a woman, you are probably confused about what is going on. You may blame yourself and wonder what you are doing wrong. You may blame him for turning against you. You have tried your best to do the things and say the things that would make things right, but nothing seems to help. You try to be responsive to his needs, but he is so unclear and changeable it is nearly impossible to give him what he wants. You feel damned if you do and damned if you don't.
You may feel you are losing the person you most love and care about. Your sex life is probably not good. There is often tension in your lovemaking, and even when there is passion and excitement, something doesn't feel right. What you miss even more than the enjoyment of lovemaking is the feeling of safety and intimacy you once felt. The gentle touches and warm smiles are distant memories. Where he used to feel warm and cuddly, he now seems cold and prickly. You may feel you are on an emotional roller coaster, whipped up and down and side to side. There are times you'd just like to get out and walk away, but you remember how things used to be and long for what you hope can still be in the future. You probably feel hurt and you likely feel lonely. You long to get the man back who you loved and used to know. If you're a man, you may be aware that life is more stressful than it should be. At times you may feel that the hassles of life are more than you can take. You think you should be able to handle things, but you sometimes think how nice it would be to get away from it all. You can't understand why all your efforts to make things better seem to have the opposite effect. You're tired of feeling that nothing you do is right. It seems that the people you most rely on are no longer on your side. People at work seem more adversarial than supportive. Old friends may have dropped away or are no longer as close. Your children treat you differently and you may have lost connection and contact. Your wife seems to withdraw from you sexually. She seems to nitpick at the smallest thing you do or forget to do. It's increasingly difficult to relax around her. You feel guarded and protective, but also lonely and misunderstood. You, too, long to have the kind of relationship where you can relax and enjoy the ease of intimacy you seem to have lost.
Both men and women thus come to feel lonely, unloved and uncared for. Because they don't understand what is going on, they have a tendency to blame themselves or their partner. When I see men and women in counseling, each wonders why the other is acting with such disregard for the person they say they love. They wonder why the world they live in has become a place of annoyance and anger rather than comfort and joy. She may blame herself or blame him. He, more often, has a tendency to blame her. Inside, however, he may be extremely self-critical and down on himself. Both are caught in a downward spiral of unhappiness, pain and confusion. As time goes on, these destructive patterns become more entrenched. If not dealt with, relationships begin to deteriorate and come apart. I see too many couples who split up just at the time of life when they could enjoy each other and the life they have created together. When Bad Feelings Become Entrenched Moods, We Are in TroubleGrowing up male, we are taught to avoid anything that is seen as the least bit feminine. We are taught that men "do" while women "feel." As a result, men are taught to keep all emotions under wraps. We cannot show we are hurt, afraid, worried or panicked. The only feeling that is sometimes allowed many men is anger. When men begin going through IMS, it is often anger that is the primary emotion.
Whereas feelings like anger, anxiety and frustration can occur quickly and end quickly, irritability can develop into a mood state that can last over a long period of time and can trigger these feelings over and over again. It can have a major impact on our whole lives. "When we're in a mood, it biases and restricts how we think," says Paul Ekman, who is professor of psychology and director of the Human Interaction Laboratory at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco. Dr. Ekman is one of the world's experts on emotional expression. In describing these kinds of negative moods, Ekman continues, "It makes us vulnerable in ways that we are normally not. So the negative moods create a lot of problems for us, because they change how we think. If I wake up in an irritable mood, I'm looking for a chance to be angry. Things that ordinarily would not frustrate me, do. The danger of a mood is not only that it biases thinking, but that it increases emotions. When I'm in an irritable mood, my anger comes stronger and faster, lasts longer, and is harder to control than usual. It's a terrible state -- one I would be glad never to have." Anger is normal, of course, and moods are part of everyday life. But when irritable moods become entrenched, they can undermine our peace and well-being and destroy even the strongest relationship. If you think you, or someone you care about, may be suffering from IMS, come visit our Web site at www.TheIrritableMaleSyndrome.com. You can take the test and see how you score. It might be the most important test you've ever taken. You can also order the book and receive additional FREE resources if you order right away.
Jed Diamond is the author of seven books, including the bestseller Male Menopause (Sourcebooks, 1997), which has now been translated into 20 foreign languages. He has been a leading authority in the field of men's health for nearly 40 years. His latest book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression has recently been published by Rodale Press. He has lent his expertise to such programs as "The View" with Barbara Walters and "Good Morning America" with Charles Gibson. See his Web site at menalive.com for more valuable information on living long and well.
Source: Health & Wellness
