When I completed the research for my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome, I was astonished to see that mid-life and older men were committing suicide at rates much higher than women. For instance, men in their 40s commit suicide at rates 350 percent higher than women of the same age. Men in their 50s commit suicide at rates 400 percent higher. Men in their 60s commit suicide at rates 500 percent higher. And men in their 70s commit suicide at rates 800 percent higher than women in their 70s. We also know that men of all ages are more violent than women.
According to the World Health Organization each year more than 1.6 million people worldwide lose their lives to violence. They divide violence into three broad categories:
1. Self-directed violence which includes suicide.
2. Interpersonal violence which includes partner violence and community violence.
3. Collective violence which includes armed conflict within or between states, genocide, and terrorism.
It's clear we live in an increasingly violent world. But the question is what can we do about it? The answer may be to take better care of our males.
Next page: The warrior brain
Psychologist and historian, Lloyd DeMause, has been doing research for more than 30 years on the underlying causes of violence. In his forthcoming book, The Origins of War in Child Abuse, he offers important insights about why men are both the perpetrators and victims of violence and what we can do to change things in our families, our communities, and in the world.
"Virtually all of the warriors across history have been male, from tribal to modern times," says DeMause. "Similarly, males have perpetrated most of the interpersonal violent crimes. In the U.S., 90 percent of murderers and 82 percent of other violent criminals are male." What's going on?We need to begin by understanding that the male brain and female brain are different in significant ways. Males have a smaller corpus callosum, the part of the brain that connects the right and the left hemisphere. The larger corpus callosum of infant girls allows them to work through trauma and neglect more easily than boys. Furthermore, boys who are abused had a 25 percent reduction in sections of the corpus callosum, while girls did not.In my view, this means boys actually need more love and caretaking than girls as they grow up. If they do not receive enough interpersonal attention from their caretakers they suffer from damaged prefrontal cortices (self control, empathy) and from hyperactive amygdalae (fear centers), their corpus callosum is reduced further, and they have reduced serotonin levels (calming ability) and increased corticosterone production (stress hormone). All these factors make them have weak selves, reduced empathy, less control over impulsive violence and far more fears than girls.
But rather than getting more care and nurturing, males actually receive less than girls. According to Dr. John Archer and Dr. Sylvana Cote, authors of Sex Differences in Aggressive Behavior: A Developmental and Evolutionary Perspective, "Boys are given less care and support, from everyone in the family and in society, and they are abused far more than girls, so by the time they are three years of age they become twice as violent as girls."Next page: Something can be done What Can Be Done?Based on the work of DeMause and others, here's what we can do to reduce violence in males:1. Touch us: from cradle to grave, boys and men need to be touched more. We all need to be touched, but males need it even more than females. Little boys need more touch. So do teen-agers. So do adult males. And so do older males. When in doubt, give us some more touch. We may resist at first, but we'll love you for it.2. See us, really see us.Many males grow up feeling that they are not truly seen and there may be some truth to their feelings. According to Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain, "Over the first three months of life, a baby girl's skills in eye contact and mutual facial gazing will increase by over 400 percent, whereas facial gazing skills in a boy during this time will not increase at all." Boys grow up with less attachment strengths because careful studies show that mothers look at their boys less than they look at their little girls.
As men get older and their "bread-winning role" diminishes, they often feel useless and invisible. See men for the wonderful, complex, and valuable beings they are. Look at us more with care and compassion.3. Stop the abuse.There's a simple, yet profound truth, which is this: Male violence is caused by male violence. In my 42 years of working with men, I have never seen case of male violence that could not be traced back to violence that was done to the male. Violence is not just about obvious aggression, but starts in the way boys are treated by their earliest care-givers.I'm not blaming women. I well remember how difficult it was for my single mother to take care of me when I was young. According to DeMause, "Perhaps because boys' needs are greater than girls', harried and often depressed mothers give them less love and attention from birth."Careful studies reveal that mothers look at and talk more with their daughters than with their sons, spend more time interacting with them, smile more at their daughters than at their sons, direct more orders and prohibitions toward their sons, and use more severe disciplinary styles and more shaming techniques toward them.The difference in how mothers see infants is demonstrated in studies that show when the babies are dressed in gender-neutral clothing they are seen as displaying "fear" when the mothers are told they are girls but "anger" when they are told they are boys. I'm sure few mothers are consciously treating their sons with less love than their daughters. It's harder to love someone we see as angry than it is for someone we see as scared. Here's another insight. It's never too late to make up for our childhood losses. Don't be afraid to hold your 50, 60, or 70 year-old man and treat him like you would a most loved child. He may resist at first, but believe me, it will be the most healing gift you can give him.Come visit me at www.MenAlive.com and receive your free e-newsletter
