Q&A
My husband decided to leave me 6 weeks after a heart attack. It seem like we had some issues prior to his heart attack about 3
My husband decided to leave me 6 weeks after a heart attack. It seem like we had some issues prior to his heart attack about 3 weeks. He was very cold and not affectionate at all any more. He told me he didn't know he loves me anymore after 17 years and he said even he had everything he is not happy. When he left he said he still loves me but need to figure out what he wants in life. He said he is 48 and almost dies. I always thought we had a good marriage. He also said I pushed away and he thought I don't love him, Financial pressure and he is working lots of hours. He also has a drinking problem. He doesn't know when to stop. He said his head is clouded he does not know what he wants. He is gone now for 4 weeks. He hasn't spoken to his children, he is not talking to his friends and family. He doesn't want to deal with me, our financial obligations or our house. He is giving most of his paycheck but said he has not come to any conclusion. I told his heart surgeon about it and he will be seeing him in 3 weeks.
Any advice?
I have been focusing attention on the lives of mid-life men and the women who love them for over 40 years now and there are some things I have learned including the following:
1. Men go through a "change of life" that we call "Male Menopause" or Andropause, generally between the ages of 40 and 55.
2. Male menopause is multi-dimentional involving changes in hormone levels, brain chemistry, interpersonal relationships, sexuality, and most importantly uncertainty about their deepest values and beliefs.
3. There is often a "crisis" that precipitates the change. It can be a medical emergency, someone close dying, the loss of a job, children leaving home, etc.
4. Since men don't understand what is wrong they often think the problem is in their marriage. "I love her, but I'm not 'in love' with her," they say to themselves. "I've just got to get away."
5. Leaving the marriage is rarely the answer to the problems the man is facing.
Given these issues, I recommend you hang in and encourage your husband to talk with someone who is skilled in understanding and treating men's change-of-life issues. You can also learn as much as you can. There's a lot you can do to help things move in the right direction.
I know what a difficult time this can be. Please know that these problems, though difficult, are very treatable. Keep focused on the positive outcome you want.
Jed
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