Real life doesn't always turn out like scenes from the Brady Bunch. Contrary to those TV images of familial bliss, blended families rarely groove together right off the bat.
"Statistics show that it typically takes three to five years before the members of the family identify each other as stepfamily members," says Tara Fass, M.F.T., of Los Angeles.
Yet there are several steps you can take to promote the growth of your blended family. Fass, who specializes in family mediation issues, says that "as parents of children and stepchildren, you are responsible for opening communication and not burying your heads in the sand."
"This communication may feel awkward and painful," she continues, "but you must allow your children and stepchildren to express themselves, and you must listen respectfully to each other."
"Biological children often report feeling anxious, lost and jealous about having their birth order changed by the blended family," Fass notes. Parents can emotionally support their biological children by scheduling special private time with them.
Family therapy may also help them and facilitate communication between all family members. Or, find out if your church or synagogue offers counseling for families or individual children, teens and/or adults, suggests Christopher McCullough, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who practices in San Francisco.
To help foster emotional stability in your new family, get together with both your ex and new spouse to draw up a childcare plan outlining whose responsibilities are whose. Invite ex-spouses to all gatherings, let your kids and stepkids go to the ex's house on holidays and birthdays, and welcome the friends and relatives of your stepchildren into your house.
"Everyone will be happier with a more open and inclusive social life, plus you're setting the example that you can all get along," says Fass.
