By David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton Coauthors of The Myth of Monogamy (W.H. Freeman, 2001)
Think of it as a glitch in the world of "family values." The monogamous family is under siege, but not because of a homosexual agenda, political ideology or the misbehavior of a small number of high-profile individuals (you fill in the blanks). Rather, it's the shared instincts of human beings -- all of us -- that threaten to undermine the commitment to "forsake all others" and remain sexually faithful "till death do us part."
In recent years, as DNA fingerprinting has been applied to animals as well as people, the revelations have come fast and furious: Even those species long believed to be the perfect poster-child paragons of devoted monogamous fidelity have been revealed to cheat. When biologists have done genetic analysis on young birds, 10 percent to 40 percent of the offspring are shown to be fathered by someone other than the identified social partner of the mother.
In short, there is a whole lot of hanky-panky going on in the animal world. The myth of the monogamous species has been exploded, and the natural world is revealed to be more complicated and interesting than scientists themselves had believed.
On the other hand, it may be reassuring to know that at least one species appears to be truly monogamous: a parasitic flatworm. The male and female encounter each other as adolescents, their bodies fuse and they remain sexually faithful forever after. We'd like to think they are happily united.
In our book, The Myth of Monogamy, we describe these and other findings, showing their parallels to human beings. For example, philandering isn't just a "guy thing." There is no question that women, too, develop a roving eye -- and sometimes a wandering body. Indeed, it is even possible to predict who will be at greatest risk.
Another myth is that happily married couples, deeply in love with each other, will not be tempted. Virtually everyone is, or will be. It's part of our biology, like walking on two legs. In short, monogamy isn't natural -- for either sex.
But this doesn't mean that it isn't a good idea. It might well be for human relationships what Winston Churchill said of democracy: the worst possible system, except when you compare it with the alternatives. Moreover, just because something isn't natural doesn't mean that it isn't possible. After all, people learn to rein in many of their "natural" inclinations, learning to say please and thank you, wait in line and even become toilet trained.
People certainly can aspire to monogamy, and sometimes they can even achieve it. Yet along the way, they would be well-advised to acknowledge the reality of their own inclinations (as well as those of their partner) -- if only so they won't be blindsided by those biological instincts that virtually all living things appear to share.
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Should you dare to have an affair? Could having an affair keep your marriage alive or kill it altogether? Talk about it.
