Ever wonder what in the heck goes through the mind of a woman involved with a married man? Or perhaps you've toyed with that temptation yourself and wonder about the consequences?
Dorothy says of her lover: "He was very emotionally present for me, and interested in ME." Jean had a similar experience of being made to feel special: "He put me on a pedestal, showered me with attention," she says.
"I wanted to believe that ours was an example of true love and was comforted by the notion that my lover would be with me if only circumstances had been different," says Mara.
Yet according to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey From Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000), "You can trick yourself into believing that you are pursuing a relationship, when you are addicted to 'emotional candy' -- intoxicated by conquest, competition and secrecy."
Jennifer acknowledges the rush associated with a clandestine romance. Her affair "was addictive -- his unavailability was exciting."
In fact, the premise for an adulterous relationship is dishonesty. It's not only the lie he tells his family, but our own denial -- that he would leave her if he could, that our love is ideal, that this is the best we can have. We somehow believe we don't deserve more than a man who can have his cake and eat it too.
"Being a mistress says a lot about our self-esteem, or lack thereof. Deep down, I believed I did not deserve more, that this was all I could get -- so I took it," says Jean.
"Many women are not ready to accept the emotional responsibility of a real relationship so they seek unavailable partners to avoid true intimacy," says Anderson.
Jean admits, "I never had to do the real stuff like argue over bills or the trash. It was a constant honeymoon." Looking back on her affair, she reflects, "I've learned that I can't have it if I can't give it. I now realize I was emotionally unavailable too."
Will he ever leave his wife? Statistics suggest that if he doesn't leave in the first six months, he probably won't. Tensions in the marriage may actually be deflected by the affair, making married life easier.
"He never left his family because I gave him what was lacking in his marriage!" says Mara. Even if he does leave, it may not be what you expected: "Before, his mundane needs were met at home, so he focused exclusively on me. Now, that's changed," says Dorothy.
Still, the emotional dependence, anxiety, insecurity and sense of abandonment that come from being a mistress can be a learning experience for women. You discover what you don't want, and what you're entitled to -- love, respect and honesty.
Jean says that "I had to go through this to understand that I am loveable, that I'm OK alone, and that I deserve to have an open, equal and loving relationship." Or, as Susan Anderson puts it "Being the 'other woman' can turn out to be 'boot camp' for finally getting into a more realistic, mature relationship."
