Dear Susan, I've been married to the same man for 39 years and he still can't look me in the eyes. It is a problem for me because passion begins with a good look in the eye, or so I feel. He cheated on me years ago and I only found out about it three years ago. I knew he may have cheated because he was mean to me and he went places without me. He said he only cheated once. Not sure if I believe him. I thought I could live with it because it had been a long time ago, but it still comes to mind once in a while and I'm hurt. He won't talk about it and I don't know who it was, exactly when or why. Do I deserve answers? Would this put my emotional stress to ease? He won't talk much about anything. Gets mad when I bring it up. I've never cheated on him and he is the only man I've ever been with sexually. I think I deserve some answers, but I know he'll just say he was young and foolish. That's not enough for me. Why can't this man of 38 years of marriage look me in the eyes? -- A.
Dear A., I'll bet everyone reading this thinks you deserve answers. Of course, your husband would like to get away without having to give answers. Who wouldn't?
You sound like you have a marriage that is based on parallel living -- a marriage that is more of an institution than a relationship.
I'd suggest that you begin a dialogue with him. Don't attack him, but don't let him off the hook. Question him about looking you in the eye. Tell him you want a relationship with him.
I get the message that he can control you with anger. He's learned that all he as to do to shut you up is get angry and you'll back off. Get into therapy to conquer this fear in yourself. Then use your newfound courage to establish some eye contact with your husband, some truth, some communication.
