Dear Dr. Gardos, At age 52, I've noticed that I need to wait a day after having sex before being able to do it again. I don't have any trouble with the first arousal, but I used to be able to get fully aroused at least twice in the course our lovemaking. Is there any way to get back that sexual stamina? -- R.
Dear R., What you are experiencing is normal and not cause for alarm. Men have what is known as a "refractory period" as part of their sexual response cycle. This is the period of time between orgasms during which a man cannot get another erection no matter how much he is stimulated psychologically and physically. Women do not have such a physiological "buffer zone" and theoretically can have all the orgasms they want, one after another, with no break in-between. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but women do generally have a harder time getting that first one!
As men age, the length of their refractory period gradually increases. For men in their 50s, it is not unusual for this period of time to stretch to one or more days. It also often takes much more direct stimulation for these men to become erect.
After waiting a reasonable amount of time, you might want to see if you can become erect again with enough direct stimulation from yourself or your partner. However, this should not become a "goal" you are striving for. Simply enjoy the stimulation, whether or not it leads to erection.
Given that you are not having trouble with getting your first erection, I doubt there is anything physiologically wrong. You should, of course, mention this to your doctor to be sure. Eating right, getting plenty of exercise and rest, not smoking, and all of the usual things that doctors recommend also wouldn’t hurt, but you are not going to regain the stamina of your teens.
This, however, is no reason to despair. The reality is that it is possible to have mind-blowing sex without ever getting an erection. I bet your tongue, for example, doesn’t have one bit of a refractory period! In fact, I would wager that you know how to use that tongue (and your hands, and your ...) much better now than when you could get it up twice a night!
Many couples find that as they get older they are forced to experiment and, in the process, reach new heights of ecstasy that they never even knew existed. Look at this as a way to learn more about yourself and your partner. In a way, youth are cheated from finding out what they really like because society tells them that the old "in and out" is the only true sex. You can now move beyond that.
And, I don’t know a single woman who would choose a teen over a man of your age who knows his body -- and that of his partner -- much better. Learn to enjoy it!
