By Edit Ankersmit Kemp, L.C.S.W. and Jerrold E. Kep, Ed. D.
Being ready has as much to do with your heart as it does with your head. The question on both levels is, "How ready are you for commitment and intimacy?" Here are some important issues to explore.
Hasty Action
In seeking a new love, you need to be sure that you are not merely running from grief, or from a fear of being alone. Hasty action could take place shortly after a divorce or a death of a spouse.
Ralph, for instance, lost his wife to cancer after six years of marriage. Within six months, he had married a woman 16 years younger than himself. In his words, "It was a stupid mistake. She married me for my money." He divorced her four months later.
Ready Sooner Than Thought Proper
If you have nursed your partner through a long illness, you've probably done a great deal of grieving in advance. In such cases, the death of a dear one can be almost a relief, and you may be ready for a new love much sooner than is conventionally thought proper.
Stuart nursed his wife though seven years of illness. Ten months after his wife's death, he had remarried Donna. This shocked members of his religious community, but Stuart said, "I had a long time to say goodbye to my wife. I knew God was right in taking her, and that he blessed my union with Donna."
The Benefits of Independence
For many women who have experienced long conventional marriages, being alone can at first be frightening. They may not have had the experiences of working, handling finances or even going out alone. In entering new relationships, these women might primarily be looking to be taken care of.
This was not true for Karin and Naomi. Both were widows after long marriages. Both then gained self-confidence through employment and independent activities. These experiences helped them to develop into mature persons ready for new relationships based on equality.
Fear of Commitment
Many people say that they want new relationships, yet they are distrustful because of painful past experiences. They may go through the first steps of searching, but never find anyone who pleases them.
Harold is an example of this underlying fear of commitment. After his divorce, he entered therapy with the stated desire to form a new relationship. But inside, he was terrified. He had a psychotic mother who treated him cruelly as a child, and then later in life married a woman much like his mother. Before entering a new relationship, he needed to believe on a deep level that a woman could be kind and loving.
For more insights and stories on finding love, visit Older Couples, New Couplings: Finding and Keeping Love in Later Life.
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