Dear Suzie, Help! My partner and I are in our mid-50s. Though he talks a lot about sex, when it comes to the nitty gritty, he can't stay up. What's wrong with him? How can Tantra help us? -- F.
Dear F., Ancient Tantric and Taoist practices integrated whole body systems -- what we today call body, mind and spirit. Back then a man in his 50s would probably have practiced semen retention and ejaculation control, eaten whole foods, meditated and had clearer arteries and less stress than today's typical American man in his 50s. Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption are also big culprits in modern society. The two of you may want to evaluate some of these aspects of your life in addition to the sexual issues.
As far as your sex life is concerned, it seems obvious that your partner is still interested in sex. To make sure, however, the two of you should have a very vulnerable, compassionate conversation. Let him know that you really care and that you want each of you to be happy and knowledgeable of the other's desires and fears. Assuming he confirms that he is interested in increasing his stamina, here are some suggestions (you may also want to see a good sexuality doctor):
As we age, our arteries begin to narrow and our blood flow gets more sluggish -- this includes blood flow to the penis. At the same time, the veins that carry the blood back out of the penis begin to lose their elasticity and leak blood back out at the most inopportune times. However, placing one's fingers in a circle -- or using a soft ring made for this purpose -- around the lower part of his member will help keep the blood in longer.
It's important to keep having sex, for it counteracts the actions of normal aging. "Use it or lose it" is the active principle here. Men who practice even a marginal amount of ejaculation control have stronger, longer erections.
Take the heat off your partner by having some fun that's not so goal-oriented. Get some erotic massage oil and study a few new "hand techniques" so that you can pleasure him in new ways. By practicing this way for even a few weeks, the two of you will be amazed at the progress he'll make toward lasting longer.
Take your vitamins and supplements. Try L-Arginine, which opens arteries and increases blood flow. If you are on prescription medications that already do this, then try a topical cream that has the same effect.
Most importantly, relax and breathe deeply. Take the pressure off of yourselves and allow the energy to build more slowly. Increase your repertoire of foreplay. Spend time simply eye-gazing and holding each other. I can assure you that when the performance anxieties are removed and a little variety is added to your skills, your man will naturally rise to the occasion!
Celebrate the holidays and your partner! ThirdAgers receive a $5.00 discount on any purchase with the code "TA" at Tantra.com.
