Q: I am interested in dating a new person that I met through friends last week. He is adorable, cute, smart and funny. However, he has a spinal cord injury from an auto accident that occurred 10 years ago. He is in a wheelchair and seems to be paralyzed from the waist down. I would love to ask this guy out but am a bit apprehensive. I'm afraid that I might say the wrong thing or offend him. I'm most concerned about getting into a sexual situation with him. Can I touch his legs, penis or other parts of his body that do not have sensation?
A: This is a very important topic that should be discussed more often. There are many stereotypes about sexual expression and people with disabilities. Many think that those who are disabled are asexual -- that they don't care about sex because they have too many other things to worry about in the world, or that they are physically incapable of having sexual activity. These are simply myths!
If you are interested in dating this guy, by all means, ask him out -- and do so in the same way that you would ask anyone else. Keep in mind that wherever you decide to go must be wheelchair accessible (both the buildings and the restrooms). You can call ahead and ask about access, but often the best approach is to ask the person with the disability about accessible dating options.
As far as saying the wrong thing, I would suggest using the same rules that you would use with any person when about asking personal issues. If you have a question about his disability, I do think that it is OK to ask. I wouldn't do it within the first five minutes of the date, but at some later point in your time together, which will let him know that you see different parts of him besides his disability. I might say something like, "Do you mind me asking about your disability?" This will allow him either to answer or to indicate that he is not comfortable discussing the topic at that point in time.
If you get to the point of being sexual with one another, it is appropriate for you to ask him for guidance. Tell him that you really are attracted to him and want to be with him but that you are a bit unclear about how to touch him, and what is and is not OK. The other option is to start being sexual with him and let him guide you verbally and nonverbally through your encounter. Some feel that this is a more natural way to let things happen.
It may be all right with him if you touch his legs or other parts of his body that have been affected by his injury. Depending upon the nature of his injury, he may or may not have sensation in his penis and other areas of his body. Similarly, his ability to achieve and maintain an erection will depend upon the nature of his injury. Once again, when in doubt, ask for his guidance and permission in taking you through this experience.
Overall, give yourself permission to have questions, apprehensions and doubts. But, do not let them get in the way of getting to know this person. Good luck!
