The Institute for Equality in Marriage currently moderates a discussion group on ThirdAge where individuals can ask questions about divorce and seek support from our professionals and other people facing similar problems. Below are some of the questions we get most frequently -- and answers that can help you improve your situation.
1. When is enough enough? How do I know when to consider divorce? We believe strongly that if you are in a situation that is physically or mentally unhealthy then there are two options: you are either working to improve the partnership or you are getting out. This doesn't mean solutions happen overnight, but being part of an equal partnership means being able to articulate your concerns and working together on solutions. If one partner is unable or unwilling to collaborate and create a lifestyle that is mutually beneficial, then it may be time to consider ending that relationship and rebuilding a more fulfilling and stable life.
2. How do I tell my partner I'd like to work on repairing our relationship? Communicating sensitive issues is never easy, and it is important to be prepared. Simply saying "I'm unhappy," or "This isn't working," is very vague and is not a starting point for an effective conversation. First, think about the specific components of your relationship or your partner's behavior that are causing difficulties. Then, when broaching sensitive subjects, try to start out on a positive note by bringing up aspects of the partnership that are fulfilling and positive. Then move on to the broken areas of the relationship with a focus on working together for improvement -- and not with an accusatory tone.
3. I'm getting divorced. What do I do first? The first thing to do when approaching a divorce is to educate yourself. Utilize on- and offline resources like The Institute's Web site to learn all you can about the process of divorce and the different options available to you. Then make sure you have copies of all important financial and legal documents related to your marriage. Once you have a basic understanding of the divorce process and all your paperwork is in order, have an initial consultation with a lawyer who can help you understand the dynamics of divorce in your state and for your given situation.
4. After a divorce, how long should I wait before I start dating again? There is no standard time that should exist between divorce and dating. What is important is that you are actually ready to work on a relationship and that you are not just rushing into a new situation to escape dealing with the emotional ramifications of the one that has ended. Make sure you have taken time to really understand where your previous partnership didn't work and to utilize those lessons in future relationships.
Also, make sure you have taken time to focus on your new life and that you've improved yourself as an individual before jumping in the dating pool again. It is nearly impossible to have a strong "we" if there isn't a strong "me."
