There you are, stuck in an unhappy marriage. And just when you think things can't get any worse ... they get better!
That's the conclusion of a study involving 5,232 married adults and described in the new book, "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" The authors, led by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, found that many married adults who divorced were not happier than those who remained in unhappy marriages.
This goes against the conventional wisdom that if you're in an unhappy marriage, getting divorced should obviously make you happy. Not so, say these researchers. After conducting focus-group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy couples, they discovered three broad categories of couples that were able to turn things around:
Couples who outlasted their conflicts rather than resolving them. Many stresses connected to children, finances, job problems, depression and even affairs just eased on their own.
Couples who worked on their relationship. They resolved conflicts, improved communication and found more effective ways to navigate through problematic areas.
Couples who found ways to improve their personal happiness through other interests and outlets that were not harmful to their marriage. This in essence lowered the partners' expectations of each other to be the only source of happiness.
As a practicing couples therapist for more than 20 years, these findings are consistent with my own clinical experiences. I would concur with the explanations above for the turnarounds in the couples I have treated, but in addition would offer several more explanations including:
Marriages end not because couples stop loving each other but because they can't stop hating each other. When couples find a way to excavate and then work through the misunderstandings, hurt and disappointment that over time hardened into anger, they often discover that they still have a strong bond underneath.
As aging parents die and children get older and move out, couples reconnect. Frequently they discover that they had displaced the frustration and powerlessness they felt with their parents and kids onto their spouse, believing the marital bond was stronger. As those other situations become less stressful, there is less need to scapegoat the marriage.
Not wanting to fight becomes a legitimate resolution. When couples are younger and in the heat of conflict, getting to the root of every conflict seems very important and not doing so seems to be giving their marriage short shrift. As spouses get older, they learn that just wanting to avoid a very unpleasant argument is a legitimate solution.
Over time, self-righteousness turns into humility. As adults grow older, they accumulate many humbling incidents where as right as they thought they were was as wrong as they turned out to be. All it takes is one spouse to bare his or her neck to inspire the other partner to do likewise.
The more history you share, the more you have in common and the more you have to lose. As couples move through life and experience together both unavoidable losses and uplifting moments, they are increasing what they have in common. This can add to staying power.
Does this mean that every unhappy couple should stay married? Absolutely not. What it does mean is that people should give their marriage their absolute best effort before they call it quits. If they don't, they could end up with deep regrets and more unhappiness down the road.
