Not doing anything isn't the answer, either. Resentment and loneliness lead to criticism or negativity. Sometimes not getting needs met at home is used as an excuse to stray. The biggest mistake people make in this situation is to assume this is the end. No longer "in love," it's all over.
Yet most couples aren't synchronized swimmers, as much as there is that longing for a perfect fit at times. Regardless of gender, there may well be times when one is ready and raring to go and the other is in no-go mode. How that is dealt with and how the relationship is cared for day-to-day will determine whether this is occasional or the beginning of a problem. This is a common situation that brings couples in for the expert help of sex therapists.
In all areas of relationships, there are bound to be times of utter frustration where it simply feels like both are no longer walking the same path. That's totally normal it's what happens next that will determine whether a serious a problem arises or not.
Not everyone is articulate in the language of the heart, nor in negotiating conflict. But some words are essential to work through this sort of situation.
It's important to find a way to name the problem without blaming. Try to remember you're both on the same team, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Sit down and have a joint discussion about how each of you is seeing and experiencing your relationship. Be reassuring to each other about how much you care.
Sexually, the rhyme about the knee bone being connected to the thigh bone applies to the genitals and the heart, soul and brain. Anytime you're stressed from work, worried about a child, under financial strain, or distanced from your partner, then chances are, sex won't be on the menu that day. And if "no" becomes an issue, "yes" is likely to become increasingly rare.
On the other hand, anyone finding themselves frequently saying "no" needs to recognize there's a problem. The source of that problem could be in the relationship, it could be psychological, medical, spiritual or a combination of all of those things. Don't ignore it: It's a tragedy when the joint history couples amass is appreciated only after it's brought to an end.
Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network.
Source: Evening Standard (New Zealand). Powered by Yellowbrix.
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