By Rinatta Paries
It's been said a million times in many different ways: Men and
women are different. Understanding the inherent differences
between the sexes is an industry. Consider the success of the
"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" series.
But there is one basic but important difference that, once
understood, can help singles and couples create more satisfying,
successful relationships: Women tend to assign relationship meaning to almost all interactions, while men tend to assign relationship meaning to almost no interactions. Women focus on the relationship too much, and the men don't focus enough, and this is how relationships get into trouble.
Women look at almost every interaction as either relationship-promoting or distance-promoting. Obviously, if a woman is interested in the relationship, she would like most interactions to be relationship-promoting (i.e., bringing her and her partner closer together). On the other hand, when a woman loses interest in a relationship or is angry or ambivalent about the relationship, almost every action she takes will be distance-promoting (i.e., pushing her partner away).
Men look at interactions as serving a purpose (communication
of information, accomplishment of a task, entertainment, etc.).
It's not that they do not take actions that promote closeness; they certainly do. But, on a daily basis, especially once the
relationship is somewhat established, men rarely look at
interactions through the lens of the relationship.
For example, if a woman is calling a man on the phone, she is
likely looking to connect. Yet he may listen to her for what she
needs in terms of information, solutions, etc. On the other
hand, a man may call a woman and she may misinterpret his
communication as reaching out to her, when in reality he is just
accomplishing a task. Or the reverse may happen: She may
interpret him pushing her away, while he is simply trying to
accomplish something -- perhaps setting up a date or communicating
something important.
The result? Both people end up frustrated, confused about what
the other person wants, means or intends, and where the
relationship is going.
If this fits for your relationship, here is simple solution:
For women: Realize that not every interaction has relationship meaning. Do not assign relationship meaning to interactions with a man unless the meaning is obvious. Better yet, ask him if there is meaning behind his actions.
For men: If you are in a relationship with a woman, realize that she needs closeness. Focus on the relationship some of every day, showing love, affection and attention toward her in some of your interactions with her.
Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.
