By Rinatta Paries
We all have a need for validation -- being told a job was well-done or being told that we are valued, wanted or attractive.
Some people have a particularly high need for such affirmation.
If after reading this article you realize that you are one of these people, you'll walk away with ideas to help quench your
thirst for validation. Or if it turns out you do not require a lot of validation from others, use this information to identify those in your life who do and discover ways to help them with their need.
People with a high need for validation pay a high social price to
try to get their need met. Do you recognize yourself or someone
close to you in the following scenarios?
- People tend to shy away and think you are self-centered.
- People tend to feel uncomfortable around you without knowing
exactly why.
- You don't attract trustworthy people/partners.
- You work hard to build up your partner so that she/he can
validate you.
- You spend a lot of energy deciding who you should be for
others, rather than being yourself.
- People take advantage of you or do things to you that make
you feel uncomfortable.
- You tend to feel needy.
To confirm whether you indeed have a high need for validation, see how many of the following statements fit. Do you:
- Feel sad when you are not the center of attention?
- Present yourself in a way that calls attention to you immediately?
- Make sure that you are the main topic of conversation?
- Cheat on your partner?
- Overachieve in your career at the cost of taking care of
yourself?
- Choose people who you feel are less than you as partners?
- Try hard to get people to like you?
- Feel uncomfortable setting boundaries and saying no?
- Feel better when with company and worse when alone?
Unfortunately, your own need for validation can never be
adequately satisfied by anyone but you. To completely meet your
need for validation, you must first validate yourself and then
ask others to do the same. Here are some specific steps to help
you fulfill your need for validation:
- Learn to be there for yourself. Rather than trying to get your needs met by others, make it clear that you approve of yourself. Write in a journal. Have gentle, nurturing, approving conversations with yourself. See yourself for the wonderful being that you are.
- Treat yourself well. In our fast-paced world, self-care is possibly the last thing on your mind. Yet, the less you take care of yourself, the more you will need validation and
attention from others.
- When feeling needy, take time to yourself. As easy as this may sound, it's not a natural instinct. After all, the last
thing a needy person wants is to be alone. However, private time, self-talk and self-care go a long way to helping you feel less needy.
- Ask trusted others to meet your needs. Figure out exactly what you need in order to feel validated. Ask safe people
to exhibit the behaviors that will fill your needs. This gives
you the validation you seek, while giving others an opportunity
to contribute to you.
- Learn to see validation and approval all around you. It is often said that whatever we are trying to prove we can find
the evidence for. If you look for evidence that you are important and loved, you will find it as easily as finding the evidence that you are not. There is a constant inflow of attention and love if you know how to look for it. Stop trying to covertly create validation, and notice that you already have it.
Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.
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