It's 7:00 in the morning, and there's dog poop on my kitchen floor. My husband and I are ignoring it. We're deep in discussion over how our new puppy is creating more chores. My husband wants me to wake up earlier to help more with housework. I'm complaining because I didn't want the dog in the first place and I already do most of the housework and childcare in the afternoon and evenings.
Hours later, a book lands on my desk. It's called Just Kiss Me and Tell Me You Did the Laundry (Rodale, 2004), a guide to negotiating equal roles in career and home life by Karen Bouris.
In homes where more than one individual works, there are lots of negotiations going on. Navigating our way through the drudgery of daily chores and child care arrangements is crucial to relationships for couples, same-sex partners, even for roommates.
It turns out the same negotiation skills that we use to get a job promotion or higher salary need to be used at home, too.
"Most of us wait until there's no food for dinner or something is not working and then we get into seat-of-the-pants negotiations," Bouris said in a telephone interview. "That's when you start having power struggles."
Bouris suggests couples should negotiate upfront how they're going to handle work-interrupting events, such as sick children or appliance repairs, instead of arguing in the heat of the moment or feeling resentful.
She points out that in dual-earner households, there are actually three jobs -- two wage earners and a household manager. She recommends throwing out gender-assigned roles and negotiating areas of expertise. Factor in flexibility in job schedules, job security and work proximity.
Michael Balan, a self-employed mortgage broker and father of two young boys in Miami Beach, explains his nightly routine: "Cindy cooks. Cindy bathes the kids. I clean the dishes. I put the baby to sleep. We both put (the older child) to sleep. She does her paperwork." Cindy Balan, a medical sales representative, says each week she makes lists of the tasks that need to get done, and the couple divvies them up.
"I'm more organized. I can see ahead and plan for the whole week out," Cindy says.
She's wakes early and gets more of the morning tasks. Michael gets home earlier and gets more of the early evening tasks. If one of their sons has a doctor's appointment, they see whose schedule has more flexibility on that day. If someone needs to oversee a home repair, Michael handles it because his office is close to home and his job is more flexible. He says it would have been tougher a few years ago when he worked at a bank and answered to a boss.
These days, men are doing more around the house and want to be more involved with their children. Yet, it's no secret to any working wife or mother that women do more housework and child-related tasks than men, even if the female works and makes equal or more money.
"Women are afraid to ask for what they need," Bouris said in a telephone interview. "They're afraid they won't get what they want." Business experts say men initiate a negotiation about four times more often than women, whether it's getting a raise or getting a spouse to do laundry. Most men also are better at taking time for themselves than women.
Negotiating the tasks of making a dental appointment, packing a lunchbox or carpooling may seem trivial, but such matters make up the day-to-day life of a working parent, Bouris notes. Negotiating and using humor to do it keeps these tasks from taking on a force of their own: usually in ugly words such as "he never ..." or "she never ...".
"You need to build awareness that your goals are equally as important as your mate's," she says.
Tina D'Aversa of Fort Lauderdale says she and her husband do household chores and grocery shop together, and they take turns making dinner. That allows them to get housework done faster, and it gives them more fun time together, she says.
Daniel D'Aversa, a painter, works from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Tina, an ophthalmic technician, works from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tina says Daniel picks up her son from a previous marriage from aftercare when she needs him to do it.
"If I need him to do something, I just ask him, and he'll do it," she says. "It can be tough on a marriage when you're not sharing the work equally." Marta Betancourt and her husband Carlos Betancourt both work demanding full-time jobs. For 18 years Marta did the supermom thing, working and raising a daughter alone.
Marta, now 55 and in human resources at Visa International in Miami, says she chose Carlos as her second husband in part because he was willing to share household responsibilities.
Marta says she pays the bills; her husband does the grocery shopping and cooking every night.
"We are very programmed," she says.
Meanwhile, at my home we've negotiated a more peaceful morning routine. I'm waking up 10 minutes earlier to help with breakfast. My husband and daughter take the puppy outside for a walk. At least for now, our kitchen floor is clean.
2004, The Miami Herald. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Business News.
