By Tom Blake
Over the past few years, the Internet has brought opportunity and hope to midlife singles.
Before Internet dating took hold, ThirdAgers had to meet prospective mates via chance meetings, friends, local activities and trips.
Yet the Web has now enabled singles to meet others from across the entire country -- from the convenience of their computers. Singles can even reach out overseas to meet others in their age range. In particular, people in small communities -- where there may be no one for them to date -- have benefitted from Internet dating.
Because of the Web, the number of long-distance relationships has inevitably increased. But, along with these relationships come issues. One of the biggest: If two people are going to be together, who is going to move? Which person is going to leave behind his or her friends, family, children, job and home to pursue a new life in a new city with a new love?
Uprooting oneself can be risky. Even though people get to know one another through visits, do they really know each other? Each time they've been together, it's been like a honeymoon -- dining out, sightseeing, taking trips and having fun. But, have they experienced day-to-day life together, where chores like paying bills, cooking meals, dealing with family members and jealous ex-spouses, doing dishes and taking out the trash can take luster off of the relationship?
What happens if it doesn't work out? Can the person who moved go back and pick up where he or she left off? Perhaps, but as people get older, starting over is difficult.
Mary gave up her job and moved 400 miles from Fresno, Calif., to Orange County to cohabit with the man she'd been dating for several months. Right away, she noticed that phone calls from women were landing on his answering machine in the middle of the night. When she asked him about the calls, he made a flimsy excuse. The calls continued.
Privately, Mary did a little detective work and found that he was still talking to and romancing other women, even using the same lines he had used when courting her. When she confronted him a second time, he dumped her belongings on the front porch and told her to leave.
So there she was, two weeks out of Fresno, with nowhere to go, no job and knowing no one in Orange County. Eventually, she landed on her feet, but it took a couple of years and was a stressful experience.
A person needs to evaluate the pluses and minuses before deciding to move. Because of loneliness and a desperate desire to be with a mate, many older singles look through rose-colored glasses when evaluating the decision. They ignore the minuses and rationalize with a "What-have-I-got-to-lose?" attitude.
Before making the final decision, a person should consult family and friends for their opinions and listen to what they say. He or she should remember that when the potential of excitement looms before us, we tend to hear only what we want to hear and ignore sage advice. So, as long-distance daters speak with their loved ones, they should try to keep their own eagerness in perspective.
Singles need to trust their instincts. If there is something that just doesn't feel right about moving -- even one little nagging issue -- they should postpone such a life-changing event until that issue is resolved.
Before moving to be with a new love, a person should:
- Spend time living in the more mundane reality of a day-to-day relationship
- Seek opinions from family and friends
- Listen to his or her instincts
- Have a backup plan
- Avoid selling his or her home
- Avoid rushing the decision
Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California. To subscribe to his weekly "Finding Love After 50" newsletter, go to www.findingloveafter50.com.
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